A
female
age
30-35,
*eadytoforgive
writes:When I was 22 I started dating a friend of my fathers he was 18 years older then me and my parents didn't accept our relationship. They thought he "groomed" me and that he was using me for sex. Things got really bad between us and they told me that I had to choose him or them. I moved out of town and we stayed together. When we got engaged I messaged my parents to tell them about it and they both refused to come to my wedding. I was devastated and became very bitter towards them. I deleted them from Facebook and stopped trying to make contact with them.Over the last four years I had no contact with them other then when my grandmother died I went back home to the funeral and they asked my husband to leave, he did because he didn't want to cause any issues.I left as soon as the service was over. I have kept in contact with other family members , I have an aunt that I visit frequently and we visit my grandparents a few times a year. I have 18 month old twin boys just my parents have never met. About a month ago my mom friend requested me on fb and accepted it. She never messaged me or anything like that. Over the weekend my aunt posted aging how she couldn't wait for our trip to visit her in a few weeks and how excited she was to see the boys again. My mom commented saying "I would give anything to see those boys" then went on to like a bunch of my pictures . There was a silly picture of my husband and I kissing in front of cinderellas castle during a recent vacation and she even liked that picture and commented on how happy we look. And she is right I am happy, I have a husband who adores me and our kids, we have an amazing relationship. I have no issue what so ever with her meeting my kids when I'm there BUT I will not let her belittle my husband or my relationship or cause a scene. I don't want the boys to see us fighting. If her and my dad have decided to move past everything and accept my relationship then I would gladly allow them in our lives again. But how do I bring this up? Do I call them and let themKnow? Ask my aunt to talk to them ?
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engaged, facebook, grandmother, kissing, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 Hope it went well for you and it worked out the way you wanted, family can be the most important part of life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Readytoforgive +, writes (17 May 2016):
Readytoforgive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone , I messaged my mom and told her how I felt, I was nice but made it clear that if she wanted to be part of my sons lives that it involved being nice towards my husband. She asked if she could call me and I agreed, we talk for quite some time and both agreed that a public meeting would be best. We will be going out to lunch then a local park that is near by. It will be both of my parents and my family. If that goes well I have no problem with them seeing the boys again while we are there on a two week vacation. Hopefully things go well, my parents aren't horrible people , I had a very nice childhood and would love for my boys to have them in their lives if everyone can be civil. I explained to my mom that I don't expect my dad and my husband to be best friend again but it would be wonderful if we all could get alone enough to be parents / grandparents to my kids
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): So call her and tell her what you wrote here
You don't have anything to lose as you already cut them out of your life
Don't put your aunt in the middle
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 I'll say call them, speak to your mother she seems to be the one who has come to her senses, start from there, met her up for a coffee without the children or your husband, start of by rekindling and getting close again, you seem very mature and ready to forgive despite the way your parents acted. Which is always good news and makes things much easier on everyone when one of the parties is willing to be the bigger person.After a while maybe you meet your mother with your husband and try to mend things between them. if that works schedule a meeting with her at your home to see the children and be around them.but to start with met her by yourself, talk to her in a very straightforward manner, let her know mother to mother wife to wife, that no one will come in your home and cause havoc and disrupt your husband or your children, but that you are very happy to have her if she is willing to respect you and everything you built. I am sure if your father is not on board by them, he'll slowly start to come around once he sees your mother bringing him photos of your children and anecdotes.I am sure this is easier said that done and that this will take some time to work out correctly. but i am sure you know this.much luck in your endeavours!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 May 2016):
 I recommend, when you're ready, that you send an email directly to your mum. Facebook email seems the most logical place to start.
Keep the message friendly/formal. Not cold, but not too cozy this early either. Start afresh by keeping everything light and POSITIVE and about the present and the future. That means no references to the past, and no ultimatums. These several years of estrangement have already proven far more effectively than words ever could that you won't tolerate any belittling of your husband or your marriage.
When it comes time to setting up a meeting, I suggest a neutral, public place for only a couple of hours at most. You could say something like 'Paul and I would be very happy for you and the kids to meet. We could meet for a light lunch at Appleby's on Sunday at 1pm. Let us know if that works for you.'
This is an upbeat, friendly, confident and non confrontational way of letting her know your husband is part of the deal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2016):
I think you should NOT have you aunt talk to your mom, I think YOU should pick up the phone (while your hubby watches the kids) and call your mom.
I think you should tell her the gist of this post. That you are VERY happy with your husband AND your kids and that you would LOVE to show off the boys to their grandma, but NOT at the expense of your husband. So in short if they can't be civil towards your husband, there is no need for further contact.
I think she DID reach out to you with her friend request, but didn't really know how to establish a dialogue, so SHOW her that you ARE an adult and that YOU can do that.
While I honestly, can understand how your parents felt when you at 22 started to date a man who was 40, I also think they saw you as a child still at 22. Parents do that, even when you are 40+... Not saying they are right in how they felt, but I can understand it. However, THAT is in the past (hopefully) so show them BY BEING a mature adult and mother that you DIDN'T make a mistake, they did in judging him so harshly.
Call your mom, sort it out. But don't expect instant fix. It might take some visits back and forth for you all to be comfortable with each other. AND that is OK!
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