A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know this will sound selfish so I'm asking if you're going to reply having a go then please don't!I'm in a 4 month long relationship with a man who is everything I could possibly want but we want different things. He is ready to get a place together, has talked about getting married next year and would like a big family. He's had his youth and his lad time and now he wants to settle down. I'm the total opposite. I was in a controlling relationship in my late teens, and had my children in my early 20s. At the end of last year, at 28 I finally started going out with friends, going to bars and clubs and having a good time and laughs with friends. I love doing this and am in no way ready to give it up yet. But at the same time I know that if I don't , I will lose my parter. He is everything I want.. But in 5 years time. Do I follow my head which says settle down with quite probably my life partner or do I follow my heart which says you only live once, there's plenty more fish in the sea? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (6 November 2014):
 s he contrarion of my peers, I say; you DO only live once and he will survive you deciding to move on down the road. don't worry about him. If he's half the "catch" you make him out to be then he'll di fine finding that rare one that wants a solid stable life in a cottage with a white picket fence and 3 toddles running through the house making a mess as they go. I say go for it go and live it up he's had his shot at 'the wildside' it's only fair you have yours. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 November 2014):
 I would say no because you have children and he wants a big family. You would probably be having 5 kids in the house. I won't even call that settling down. That's taking in more than you can chew.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Actually, at the 5 month mark, he's moving WAY too fast. You're still in the "getting to know you" stage of a relationship, and his wanting to move in and such is going way too fast. Also, moving in with a guy doesn't mean giving up having fun or a social life, but if you're getting that sort of vibe, especially if his reasons for wanting to move so fast are because he has trust issues or is trying to settle you down...then you should slow things down.
You aren't ready to settle down, and if he's implying that if you don't move in at the 5-month mark, that you'll lose him, then you're heading into serious trouble.
People typically don't think about moving in until it's at least around the 1-year mark. I personally am not a fan of doing it until after marriage, but that's just my choice. 5 months is alarmingly too soon. Many relationships haven't even declared their love for each other until around that time.
This guy is pushing fast, and you're within your rights to slow it down. If he starts the pressure, then he IS controlling. You do not have to compensate for where he is in life, and even when the time comes and you do live together down the road, you do not have to give up your own life! If he's saying you can't go out with friends (I know that in clubs, you're not doing anything remotely disloyal to him) afterwards, then he's the wrong man for you.
Slow him down. 5 months is too early. If he pushes or emotionally blackmails with you losing him, it's a RED FLAG and you need to call him on it. Tell him it's not even an option until after a year, and even then you're still getting to know him. Take your time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): You do what you think is best for you.
Sometimes you only appreciate what you have when it's gone and that's how you learn not to take things for granted.
I'm not sure what you get from a life of partying exactly but if you think that outweighs having a life partner and a stable family then go for it.
Ps. There isn't more of him where he came from.
Also, after 4 months declaring that he's the love of your life might be a bit premature.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): personally I don't see why you can't have both.If your man is worth it, and he thinks the same as you, you'll stick together and he'll let you go out and have fun. You'll trust each other nothing will happen, and it will be fine.Whats to say you can't live with him and still go out with mates on a sat night? He may even come with you some days, and I'm sure he'll still have friends he wants to see at other times. Just because you settle down doesn't mean you don't see friends or can't have fun.Speak to him. If he'll let you go over having some time out with friends, hes maybe not the one to settle down with.(I of course assume you're not wanting to go out 6 nights a week every week... if thats the case then maybe there is a conflict).Plus tbh, 4 months is not long. You've still a lot to learn of and about each other.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2014):
 Do you think there is the possibility that you'll begin to resent your partner for depriving you of the social life you are enjoying, down the road?
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female
reader, Princess_008  +, writes (5 November 2014):
You are pretty confused about what you want. You should sit down and take a bit of time along and think of what you want more.You said that man is everything you want. Its upto you to decide whether you wish to give up your man in return for fun. Yes there's plenty more fish in the sea!!! But you will never get one alike! If you think he is the perfect man for you and if he truly loves you i would advise you to go for the relation instead! True love are so rare nowadays! If you got one, you are lucky. Don't let go! Clear it out with your man that you like to party with friends etc. and see if he has any objection with that. am pretty sure he'll understand your feelings and might even have no objection regarding that. But yeah of course its gonna be different since you will be no more single and you will have responsibility. You surely can't have fun every night!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): First off I don't understand why ou need to give up your friends and stop going out even if you are married. Life doesn't stop once you have a husband. I am married but I do girls nights out couple times a month. One thing I would be worried about is how big of a family he wants?You already have couple of kids, do you want anymore???For me it would be a deal breaker. under no circumstances I would have another child. Unless we have unlimited finances. I would be looking at someone with kids already or someone who doesn't want any of his own. Because I don't want to spend most of my life raising kids. But that's me. Another thing that worries me a little in your post that you still looking for another fish. If you loved him you would not be doing it. We all know why girls and boys go to bars when they are single. Friends, bars, fun..it's all good and easy, if this is what important to you then by all means keep on doing it. For me personally to have a mate is kind much more important than occasional hang outs with friends. My outings and my friends is just an icing on top of the cake. But again, it's me. It seems like you missed that part in your youth and now you think you need to catch up. I didnt do much of it also, but I don't really think that I missed out on something. Actually I get quite bored in bars, I don't last very long there, may be because I don't drink much. I think it's not a good idea for you to go along with whatever your boyfriend wants in his life. It's your life also, and you fell you are not ready, then your are not ready.
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