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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hello i need some good advice please. I have a trust problem. I ve read some of the trust articles here and some had really good answers. well done. Im in a relationship which we love each other so much and we ve been together for a year and a half. My bf is a very strong and tenacous person and i know he loves me blindly and respects me and me too, but i cant trust him completely. i had bad experiences that i thought i got over the damadge they caused me but apparently not. Im driving my bf crazy as he doesnt feel trusted, especially when he has a work function or a simple drink after work... i feel bad and start screwing up by sending him msges ecc. afterwards i feel very guilty, but it would be too late. I dont know what to do to start trusting him especially as i have nothing to worry about him. Should i see a psycologist? or should i manage by my self with hard work?thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): hey guys , first of all im amazed thanks so so so much for all your help. Sorry i dont know im its here that i have to leave my feedback if not hope ull read it .... im the original writer of this question. Just wanted to thank all of u especially that anonymous writer and MonDoc i was amazed as those were the questions and bad thoughts that come to my mind!!! And another thing thanks for believing in me although u dont know me, that i could do it by myself.... thanks a lot
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): I have had serious trust issues and I am managing them on my own. I am training myself to shut off the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. "What if he's out with some other girl?" Is replaced with "He loves me just as much as I love him and would never hurt me that way." It's hard and sounds lame, like it wouldn't work, but it has worked for me so far and I am feeling myself begin to relax and trust him again.He has hurt me in the past by lying and covering up meetings with women and we have had many many fights (he never slept with them or anything but I was hurt by his dishonesty and deception). There came a point where I had to forgive him for what he had done. In your case you have to forgive whoever hurt you in the past and stop using it against him. Anyway I realized that I love him for a reason and I cannot use all of his mistakes as fuel for my own insecurities and trust issues. You have to let go and see your man for the person he really is. He is someone who loves you and would never hurt you by deceiving you. If you trust him he is less likely to hurt you, if you don't trust him you may drive him away and make him feel like you don't really love him. Put your faith in him blindly for a while and you'll feel relaxed, your relationship will improve and so will your self confidence.It can be done on your own (I have managed so far but it is a struggle). If you don't feel you can manage alone then seeing a psychologist may be helpful. Different things work for different people.
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A
female
reader, MonDoc  +, writes (15 November 2007):
What it really comes down to is this:
1. are you happy the way you are, with the way things are?
2. Is it your boyfriend that is giving you reason to distrust him - or is it your own views, regardless of what he does, that cause the distrust?
If (1) is "no" - you're not happy, and (2) is that it's your own views that are giving rise to your present dissatisfaction, then you should seek help in order to change those destructive views & processes -- the goal being to get you to a happier state.
If you can't afford actual counselling, have a look at self-help books... there's a wide range available.
What you need is a reprogramming of your views & responses -- whatever form that takes.
At the end of the day, it is YOU that is causing your own unhappiness and trust is a CHOICE that YOU make. You make it by your actions.
Just an example, and I'm not a therapist so I can't guarantee that this will work, but you can give it a try. Have a discussion with yourself whenever you want to send him a message after your insecurities are playing it out. Argue with yourself -- OUT LOUD! Have You(1) as the personification of your doubts, and You(2) as the rational arguer:
You(1): I want to call him
You(2): Why?
You(1): Because I'm scared that he's doing something.
You(2): Like what?
You(1): Cheating on me
You(2): Is there any reason that you think he would?
You(1): Because my last boyfriend did
You(2): But all people don't do the same things; not everyone eats brussel sprouts, for example.
You(1): Yes, but men cheat
You(2): So do some women... does that mean you cheat?
You(1): No, but men are more prone to cheat
You(2): All men have penises, but not all men use them... what about priests & monks?
You(1): Ok, so not all men have sex, and not all men cheat, but I want to check.
You(2): Do you think he'd tell you even if he were?
You(1): No, but it might stop him
You(2): How? If he was that determined, he'd do it after you hung up
You(1): Yes, but he'd be reminded of me & less likely to cheat if I call him
You(2): But, he wouldn't have forgotten about you... if he was going to cheat, you calling him & reminding him about you is pointless anyway because he wouldn't care enough in the first instance to worry anyway - whether you called or not.
..... (and so on & so forth)...
You(1): Oh, fine, forget it. I'm going to watch tv.
Haha. The point is that your rational self (you2) will wear your doubting self (you1) down to a point that you talk yourself out of it. Eventually, the goal is that it'll become a "fake it til you make it" situation -- where, by doing this, you'll make yourself trust by the realisation of the truths that You2 is presenting.
Sorry this is so long... hope it helps in some regard.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (15 November 2007):
Go see a psycologist. Seriously, do it. If you try to manage by yourself I doubt you will improve much, beause isnt that what you have alreayd tried? You are obviously lost as to what to do. And fairly often when you have such issues, the help of a professional is needed. There is no need to do this on your own. You deserve all the support you can get. So I would def advise you go see a professional.
Hope you get it all worked out :)
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