A
male
age
41-50,
*E125
writes:Hi everyone, I was talking to a female coworker/friend last week. She is married. SHe was telling me about another woman's husband that we both know, who was cheating. My friend said he does his "extracurricular activities, but they all do.." I was very concerned when she said, "they all do" because it made me suspicious that she's had or is having a bad experience with her own husband. I have no idea how to even respond to that, so I've said nothing. Checking to see what you guys make of her statement and if you have any suggestions for me beyond just letting it go..Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022): It deserves no response. It's nothing but gossip, and you're being lured in to snoop around in your private-life. Your marriage is strictly your business, and it behooves us all to mind our own business; and not to meddle in the lives of others.
If she persists, and keeps bugging you to share private information, or talk about other people; I would simply tell her, "I'm sorry to hear that; but I don't prefer to engage in such discussions."
People fish-around and pick you for personal-information; one tactic is to gain your trust by offering you something personal first, to test how gullible or pliable you are.
Stayaway from gossips and rumor-mongers! Keep sexist, racist, or political opinions to yourself when you are at work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2022): Hi OP.I was in your situation once. I was like that woman who is confiding in another man about her marriage when she is absolutely and totally in the wrong for saying anything of the sort to anyone, other than her own husband! It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my entire life.I was having problems in my marriage and started confiding in another man I was attracted to. I would start to confide in him about things more and more. He entertained them and became supportive and encouraged me. He began to seek me out and we had lunch together and grew closer. We both pretended it was just a non threatening friendship, just like any other friendship at work. It would keep the guilt at bay as well as the conscience. But both of us knew what it really was, and where it could lead. We both had the same feelings but neither of us ever spoke about it. We did not need to. Our relationship just evolved. And we did nothing to stop it.Slowly but surely we climbed onto that slippery slope until the emotional friendship culminated into physical intimacy.Clearly if one or both of us knew what was happening and wanted it to stop, we would have cut ties and made ourselves unavailable to the other person whom we saw as a threat to our long term relationship. It would be easy to say look I feel our friendship is getting too close and I don't feel comfortable with that. Then just keep is short and professional or even move to another area of the company if necessary. Whatever it took to safeguard your vows and commitment to another person. It is all possible when you want to do the right thing OP. It is all possible when you love your spouse. But oftentimes people get carried away with someone new because things become stagnant at home or their partner is too familiar and it feels nice to be in the courtship phase of a relationship again when someone finds you interesting and attractive. You once shared that phase with your husband or wife, remember that OP? Eventually everyone becomes familiar. Why risk losing a good thing for someone whose sparkle will also fade soon enough?Most people are NOT self aware enough to realize what it is they are doing and why they are behaving this way. My guess is this woman is a flirt with other men, not just you, and has operated with this song and dance before. She seems like a bad apple. She has self esteem issues and needs male validation to feel good about herself. A decent man such as yourself OP would understand that for whatever reason she is VULNERABLE and you need to back off. Is that crystal clear OP? She cannot tango without a willing partner. And it might not be her husband. I may be skeptical here but it has been my experience and I thought I would present my viewpoint from experience. Usually these types (men OR women) are looking to escape their boring lives or they have problems with themselves or a partner and instead of addressing the problems with their spouse or with a therapist, they tend to want to escape into fantasy and put a band aid on their problems for awhile, without realizing that the problems will all still be there when the fantasy implodes. And reality becomes even more complicated and they are consumed with even more disillusionment. Escape solves nothing. The attention of other men solve nothing. They just cause pain to everyone involved. More pain than making the decision to walk away from a relationship you are not happy with. This woman needs to work on herself. She seems to be messed up for any number of reasons, and she is trying to take you down with her. Do not allow her to trap you into her web. She seems manipulative and cunning. I believe she knows exactly what she is doing. She is playing the woe is me card and trying to make you feel sorry for her, triggering your hero instinct to make her feel better and get closer and rescue her from whatever it is she feels plagued by. Let her HUSBAND be her hero. She has no business speaking to you about this. No business at all. In fact, it shows what kind of a person she is. She is confiding in another man behind her husband's back. Maybe even pushing the envelope towards an affair and she is testing the waters by saying ALL married men have affairs. First of all, not ALL married men have affairs. That statement only suits her current narrative and purpose. It is absolutely untrue. GOOD MEN do not have affairs. GOOD MEN do not hurt their wives. GOOD MEN do not use women who are vulnerable or in a bad place for sex. GOOD MEN WALK AWAY. I suspect OP you are one of the GOOD guys and that is why you are asking for a second opinion here. It is not because you are attracted to this woman and want us to say she wants to fuck you so that you can carry on with this flirtation? Until you have an affair with her? Been there, done that. At the end of the day, you have a choice. So does she. But obviously she is in escape mode so it is up to you OP to be the good guy here. To be the ADULT. Imagine what her husband would do if he found out she was trying to get close to you? He'd beat the shit out of you and with good reason. How would you like another man trying to get close to your wife, having your wife confide in him because you had a rough patch? How would you like him having sex with her trying to make her feel better while she saw you as an utter failure? EMPATHY OP. Have empathy for the husband. Empathy for your wife if you are married. Empathy for this confused woman at work. Because she is misguided. Friendships between men and women can get very sticky and sometimes we call them friends because our intentions are shady. It is easy to justify getting close a friend when you have shady intentions. You use that to your advantage but it is a very dangerous game OP. This woman is NOT your friend. Because she has her OWN agenda. She is SELFISH. She is putting you in the middle of her marriage and her problems. In the end, she is going to mess you up too if you ALLOW her to. She is seeking to USE you (and other men?) to alleviate and escape her problems and that is plain mean and self absorbed OP. That is not friendship. And it is not friendship on your end if you are asking why she is angling for an escape (affair) hoping she wants one? Be honest with yourself here. She is not a nice person. What she is doing I can see coming from miles away. Classic entrapment techniques by confiding in a man, triggering his hero instinct to save her, all the while weaving her web and trapping him. He has nowhere to go. He has crossed the point of no return. She has him where she wants him.Ignore her from now on. Do not be another one of those WEAK men who are led by their cock not by their good sense and judgment. You are not weak OP and she cannot manipulate you without your consent. She is no friend. Do not risk your own decency and integrity as well as your professional reputation and career for a roll in the hay with a conniving, messed up woman. She is bad news. You should have no respect for someone like this. You owe her nothing. She is just someone you work with who is all messed up and is seeking validation in another man. She is no friend to you. She is NO FRIEND to her HUSBAND most importantly of all. Why would you want to have a "friend" who cannot be trusted and is capable of betrayal? You cannot trust her with anything you say or do. You are NOT the answer to her problems OP. You will only contribute to them. And she needs to step up and take care of her marriage with her husband. You have no business being in the middle. And she has no business discussing it with you!!! As I said, steer clear. You are in time to nip this. BE a good man OP. Start focusing on your life and your hobbies and get out there and start new relationships/friendships with available women. I fear her clutches are already in you. Sadly. But we are just in time to FREE YOU!!!! You need to get a life OP! You obviously don't have enough of one if you are so caught up in hers!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 January 2022):
 I agree with Ciar,
Her marital problems are not yours. This is a coworker. A married coworker. Keep things professional.
You are not her therapist or marriage counselor.
What do I make of her statement? That she might just have been agreeing to keep neutral in the conversation. Or she has been cheated on in the past or present. However, if she is being cheated on by her husband, that IS her business. She has to decide if she wants to stay with a cheater or not.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 January 2022):
 No need to say anything. I would not encourage this woman to discuss her marital problems, assuming she has any, with you.
This is often how affairs start, so I wouldn't encourage those kinds of conversations.
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