A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years and we've had a few major hiccups along the way but we've always weathered through.One of our main arguments is that I don't sleep over at his house unless my parents are away. My parents are asian and my mom is Catholic and they both would never approve of their daughter sleeping at a boy's house before marriage.The last time I tried to stay at his house about a month and a half ago, I got into a huge argument with my dad and he never ever gets mad about anything. It was terrifying and I absolutely do not want to try that again.My boyfriend thinks that I'm immature and don't stand up for myself, but he's white and was raised differently. He had a rough childhood and I didn't, but now he has problems with authority and I have problems with speaking up. I've told him that I plan on moving out when I get a job, but he thinks that if I can't even sleep at his house that I can't move out. That doesn't really follow, does it?I've been looking for a job for quite a few months now and he thinks I haven't been looking hard enough just because I haven't gone out to McDonald's with a resume. I know I have more to offer and can do better; my last job was at a law office. I think he's just getting on my case because we were both laid off recently and we've been living off my savings because he didn't have any.Anyway, until I can move out I think I should respect my parents' wishes while I'm under their roof no matter my age. My boyfriend thinks that just because I'm not in high school I should be able to do whatever I want, and I'm the immature one? I do try to sleep over whenever I can; in March I spent a month at his house. It's obviously not about sex, no one says you have to have sex exclusively at night.He says he wakes up every morning feeling like sh*t because I'm not there, and he thinks I don't care. I really wish I could take some action everyone would approve of. Every time we argue he pushes me away for a while, be it a few hours or a day or so. Then he'll come back saying he loves me and being all sweet. I understand that he needs space to register everything and think it through, but it's really emotionally exhausting having to bounce back and forth like that.I'm sorry I got sidetracked, I would just like other people's take on my situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): OP seriously read that article points 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20 are all relevant to you, they all exist in this guy.
All of those traits are clearly visible in just what you've written here. Crazy isn't it? Just a few paragraphs displays so many negative and dangerous traits in your boyfriend. And having a bad childhood is no excuse OP but it can be a reason to be seriously cautious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): So let me get this straight. Your boyfriend is living off of your money, throws tantrums like a child then comes back on his knees like a baby, he calls you immature, he puts you down for not being able to stand up for yourself (when it's him you should be standing up to), he puts down your attemptss to find a job (doesn't support you at all) while his lazy ass doesn't have one either he's sponging off his girlfriends savings, he's emotionally blackmailing you to try and get his way (the morning shit thing) and he even does the douche thing of giving you the childish silent treatment when he doesn't get his way? Fuck sake OP, he's right you need to stand up for yourself and it's him you need to stand up to.
It's not your fault he had a bad childhood and you shouldn't have to be his mother which is what he wants you to be.
This guy gives you shit about not having a job while he's living off of your savings? Are you serious?
He even would be happy to see your family life be completely ruined just so he can have you work and provide for him? Just so he can have sex with you at his place? He is trying his very best to ruin your relationship with your parents just to get his own way?
He's using the silent treatment and this soppy bullshit about waking up every morning feeling bad because he didn't get laid last night? Sorry OP but if it's not about the sex then what is it? He misses cuddling at night is it? He misses touching your face? Bullshit OP, it's the sex. You can meet somewhere any day and hang out, cuddle etc.
Sorry OP but you're dating a little boy. The guy really is a spoiled little child and your attempts to appease him are causing untold friction between you and your family. Why would any loving partner let that happen? Because he's not OP, he says he is but he's he's trying to control you, trying to guilt trip you and emotionally blackmail you into getting a job soon so you can provide him money and also telling your parents to fuck off so he can get laid. That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard.
The guy is a grade A loser OP.
Read this, any of it sound at all familiar to you? He has the background and has already started being an emotionally abusive, control freak. http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
You really need to stand up to him here, you know you're completely right about the family thing. You also cannot let him blackmail you like this. You need to grow a backbone OP and stop him trying to control you and you need to cut him off financially OP, that's your money if he thinks it's so easy to get a job then stop paying his way in life.
But you seriously need to logically examine what kind of long term future you have with this guy, you think it will get any easier if you end up living together? You think he'll somehow grow up, change how he behaves, won't emotionally blackmail you to get his way?
Every instinct I have says run a mile OP, everything tells me this guy is going to tear you up.
It's not just about sex OP, it's about control and he will not give up trying to control you. He's exceptionally selfish and verging on the abusive.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Hi
First,why is he living off your savings when you don't even share a home together?
As your parents are not going to alter their views then whilst your living there then your boyfriend either accepts this or you go your differents ways.He clearly has no idea about your culture and probably never will do if after 2 years of being with you he still doesn't get it.Stick to your guns.
As for applying at McDonalds why don't you BOTH try,it beats doing nothing and means YOU can hold on to your savings.Plus it shows future employers you have a good work ethic and are prepared to do any job rather than nothing at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): 1st. Why the hell are YOU supporting you bf, isn't he man enough to support himself? Stop that. THAT is a huge red flag, support him now and you will support him forever.2nd. THEIR house THEIR rules. My parents are Not Asian, they are Hispanic and Hispanics and Asians raise their kids very similarly to those kind of standards.I am your age and I KNOW my mother/father would not look with kind eyes that I slept over alone with a boy, or he slept over alone with me.What did I do? MOVE OUT.You cannot demand independence if you have not earned it, sure he misses you, but is he supporting you or soemthing to make demands of you? He met you with your family. Disrespecting your parents rules does not mean speaking up for yourself, moving out and telling your boyfriend to deal with it is speaking up.Why would you put your parents over your bf? You parents are supporting you and you are on their house this late in life, bf come and go, but your parents will always be your parents. Always respect them even if you do not agree with them.Also, my white boyfriend's parents are also strict on me and him being alone on a room...AND WE LIVE TOGETHER! But when we visit, it is separate rooms. It is their house, and we have to respct their rules.HE is the one being INMATURE, HE is the one that needs to get it together. Maturity is not being a brat to your parents (even at your age) because you do not get your way.Want your way? move out. You can't? Then suck it up and respect their rules and their feelings. If your bf cannot respct/understand this...then he just needs to deal/be patient...or get a job, and apt and have you move in and support you like your parents do. If not let him walk away, you can do better than a guy living off your savings. WHY ISNT GETTING A JOB ON MCDONALDS AND LIVING OFF YOU AND PRESSURING YOU BECAUSE HE CANNOT SCREW YOU??? There is not a ring on your finger so he has no right to make any demands, even if there was one. He has to grow up!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): I'm asian too and this is going to be a very hard relationship for you now, 10 years from now, 20+.
You should not just apply anywhere because he wants to be with you, please continue applying to good positions and consider contracting if you're having a hard time. It's career changing to go from a law office to McDonalds on your resume.
His upbringing and yours are going to cause problems. His isn't that great so he's going to be more self centered and see things from his perspective. He has never had what you have with your parents. I would for sure go with your parents advice. You know him best so please consider your life after marriage and raising a family: What role do you see him playing in your life as a father to your children? Did you sacrifice your family to get there? How are you connecting your kids to your parents? How are they connecting to his?
Make sure you like where you're headed. He shouldn't be asking you to get a job and move out, he should already have a job and a place for you. You two are not a good match for each other. Note: This isn't about him being white. There are plenty of white men with great upbringing who would act completely different in this situation and be very happy and supportive of you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 This "boyfriend" sounds totally self-centered and uninterested in you and the adult world outside his world... It doesn't bode well for much of a future with him... and, quite frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't noticed that....
HE'S tapping in to YOUR savings???
Think long and hard if you ought to spend ANY time with this creature.... never mind overnights at his (parents) home!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (12 November 2012):
hi, on this i think that your boyfriend needs to be more understanding: if you are still financially dependent on your parents, then you need to respect their wishes (like you mentioned). however, when he blames you for not getting a job, he is trying to twist the situation around - he could also be getting a job and telling you that he will support you until you find a job. Don't listen to him and do what you feel most comfortable with. On your parents part, they do seem a bit strict though as you are well over your majority now. How do they get along with your bf? bf-gf relationships are never certain, but one thing for sure is that your parents will always be there for you.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Their house, their rules. He needs to understand that while you're staying with your parents, you have to respect their rules. If he can't cope with that, then you need to take a hard look at why he's pressuring you so hard and so completely unwilling to be patient while you two get your lives back together.
You do not have to sleep over at his house with you in order for your relationship to be a decent one. He needs to work with the cards he's dealt. Yes, he misses you. That does not give him the right to treat you like crap, and act like a child and pout and throw a tantrum because he's not getting his way.
Life's unfair. The sooner he comes to terms with that and learns how to be positive even when he's not getting his way the better.
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