A
male
age
51-59,
*ar3418
writes:I have been in a long-term relationship with a woman for 8 years. We met each other at work, and progressively there has been pressure added such that social contact with other employees is not acceptable. The other challenge is her ex-husband which continues after all these years to try to poison the children against her, and our relationship. She has told me that the kids will always come first. I understand that and have children of my own.We have both looked for jobs elsewhere but as many know it is a very difficult time to seek a new job with comparable benefits. I would be happy to take a job even with a reduction in compensation but that would likely require us to live together, which we both would love. However, the interference of her ex makes that a problem as long as her children are less than 18. He has made it clear that he expects her to keep me away from her kids or he will interfere. She does not want to get the police involved fearing more trauma for the children.I feel held hostage and can't continue this course, but don't know if I should give up or stick it out with some conditions. Suggestions, perspectives are desired.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I am not understanding why your employer would put pressure on you both to not have contact with other employees.
Are you her supervisor? Were either of you married when this 8 year relationship happened and people in the office are resentful?
I don't think that they can pressure you into leaving and taking another job unless they have a written express policy that employees cannot date, and that is pretty rare in the US except where supervisors are concerned.
As far as her husband, why do you give a rats ass what he says about your involvement. He can't get away with that unless he has primary custody of her kids and then yes, he can make it difficult for her.
Don't they have a court ordered parenting plan where they share visitation? If he tries to keep her from the kids there is such a thing as alienation of affection which is a form of child abuse and is considered such by the courts. If you were to file such a case in court he could lose custody and visitation of his kids. The courts see it as him abusing his kids.
If he has primary custody, the first steps would be to file a couple of motions to get the time she lost for visitation and also you can file contempt charges that he is not following the parenting plan. Of course this involves costly attorneys.
You have hung in there for 8 years. What exactly is it that is different now?
Also, your girlfriend can use the law enforcement agencies to help enforce the parenting plan on the part of her husband. The kids are not going to be traumatized by professional law officers, sounds to me like they have day to day drama with their parents.
It is never a good situation when two people are fighting over their kids like pieces of furniture and the victims here are not you and your girlfriend, it is her kids.
Those two need to put aside their dislike and anger for each other, grow up and do what's best for their children.
Getting a mediator through her attorney might be the best first step, but if she wants to win, she also needs to be above the fighting with her ex and he feelings about what he is or isn't doing and focus on her children and asking the court to help her do what is best for them.
I don't envy you. I dated a man for two years who had the same problems with his child's mother and they were never married. They hate each other, and are both immature, although she is the hardest one to deal with and their relationship is High Conflict. Quite frankly, the main reason that it was is that both of them have personality disorders.
You may think I am being funny here, but it took breaking up with my boyfriend to realize it because I was uneducated about that. They both were abusive and it took a couple of years for his verbal and emotional abuse to be directed at me....so I am out of there for good.
If you see signs of this in your partner, get out. People with borderline personality disorder, narcissism, anti social, or sociopathic personalities are high conflict high problem people and they cannot change EVER.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): 8 years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone. Why, after all this time, is her ex still saying keep away from the children? By now, if he`d been a good father, you would have a working relationship with him where the children are concerned. Are there any real reasons why hes insisting you stay away from them? He is your main "sticking" point. If your partner doesnt want the children going through any trauma, unless you can come to some sort of agreement with her ex partner about them, it would seem that she is not going to be able to live with you for some time. You may need to ask yourself if its really worth giving up a job...in todays climate... and finding lower paid work, when it may be a long time before you can think of moving in with her. She seems quite rightly, preoccupied with her children. But rather worrying, she seems to be playing along with her ex husbands game when it comes to the children. He is jealous of you and her and using the children to drive a wedge between you both. She should see that and refuse to be bullied by him. You need to ask yourself if the whole mess is really what you want. Id be inclined to walk away and leave the parents to get on with it all.
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