A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I would like advice on cohabitation. My boyfriend lives with his mom and I currently live with my parents. He and I have been dating for 8 years. I would like to move out and live with him although I'm not sure if I should propose to him and then we could find a place together. Or do we find a place, live together, and then marry? I've watched my siblings cohabitate with their partners over the years before marriage and they didn't end well. I worry it might happen to me. Thank you for the response.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): Step 1. Move out and both live alone for at least a year. Step 2. Move in together for at least a year. 3. Get married. I wouldn't recommend marrying until you first know how to live independently and then know how to live together as a couple. Living with someone else is hard work. If you can get through that then you have a relationship strong enough to survive marriage.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 August 2020):
 Absolutely agree with FA on every point.
Living on your own is a GOOD thing to experience and learn. Being dependent on each other from the get go is not a good idea.
Finances is one of the TOP reasons people break up.
Lastly, proposing now doesn't mean your life together will be without complications or that you will last forever. It's unrealistic to think that if you "snag" him now, marry and live together you will have your HEA (Happily ever after). Cohabitation BEFORE marriage doesn't mean it won't last or work out. Sometimes living together will show you sides to your partner you had no idea existed and that overall he is not really as good of a match as you thought.... (not saying it's the case for you two, but it does happen more than people think.)
Be able to take care of yourself. (both of you) You can still date and live apart on your own. After a year of that, try living together and if that seems to work well, then marriage can be on the table.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): Have either of you experienced living alone in your own places? Have either of you learned how to survive on your own, learned how to budget your funds, or have you ever saved for a rainy-day? No, I don't mean living on-campus with a bunch of other kids; within the confines of structure set by a university or college. That's still like living at-home.
Those who worked and struggled through college and supported themselves the whole-time; they've gotten a good dose of life thrown at them. Surviving on Ramen noodles, toast, and/or whatever's leftover in the fridge from the night before. Hoping their roommates haven't beaten them to the last frozen dinner they've stashed, bought with the last $10 they had until payday! If they have to do it again, they'd survive.
Marriage is a pretty huge step to make, with little to no life-experience under your belt. Young-women get the notion of weddings and marriage far ahead of their male-partners. Many move-in thinking it might lead to marriage. For once, somebody has admitted living together doesn't necessarily improve your chances of having a successful marriage. How you go in, is how you'll turnout. If prepared, you stand a chance. If not, not a chance!
In an earlier-era, people married young and struggled together. Living together unmarried was something you didn't let be known to everybody. They had kids when they knew they could afford to, after tying the knot. They built from the ground-up and started everything from scratch. They didn't let entitlement or impatience force them to take shortcuts. No matter how bad things got, divorce was unthinkable; with the exception of abuse, or cheating. They wouldn't think of moving back in with their parents. It was the other-way around. Their aging-parents moved in with them! That was back when my parents grew-up.
That's a gone-by era; because people divorce just because they get tired of each-other. Watching porn is common as watching cartoons! Divorce is like the next step. Date, marry, and divorce.
Living together in a faux-marriage (cohabitation) is a different experience for men from women. Men are slower to commit, and marriage is always a distant-plan. If he's getting everything he wants just living together, why bother giving-up his freedom to walk-out when he's had enough, and still able to take all he has with him?
Sex with the same person becomes boring for both parties. It is sometimes the only thing keeping them together. They haven't learned how to compromise and settle disagreements; and their fight or flight responses are always on a high-setting. "I've had enough of this, I'm outta here!" The argument was over something petty and childish; yet it explodes into nasty verbal-exchanges, cussing, and rash behavior. Are you prepared and emotionally-mature enough to deal with hard-times and disagreements? That's what determines whether or not it is time to propose.
Living together is not the same-thing as dating and living apart. You get time to be independent. You have separate lives, and you can do with your money and time as you please. You don't have to account for your time or whereabouts. Living together, you expect to see each other regularly and establish predictable schedules and routines. This scares immature-men out of their boots! Is he as ready to live together as you are? Can he hold-up his end of things? Pay bills, pay the rent on-time, keep food in the house, insurance paid, and gas in the car(s)? If he lost his job, how long could you do it alone?
You're talking about when to propose when you have so little life-experience at the tender age of 22!!!
You're still living with your parents for whatever reason. If either of you had previously lived on your own; you didn't have any other plan or option, but to return home to your parents. How ready for marriage is that? Living together is not like marriage; because you can get pissed-off and just move back home. Can you hold-up everything all by yourself if that happens? Are you leaving the burden on your parents to take you in if things go wrong?
No matter what age you are. You had better know that person you plan to sleep next to, after signing that lease and making your deposit. You say you've known him for 8 years.
You were only kids most of that time. Now you're (barely) adults with your own opinions, habits, and attitudes. Once you're out in the real-world, you will have outside-influences you don't encounter now; not while surviving under the protection and safety of living at home with your parents. Other-people out there try to get into your business. They try to sway your opinions, throw obstacles in your way, and many don't like to see you succeed. Can you both deal with it on the adult-level? You develop your own survival-skills by knowing your potential and capabilities by living alone first.
If things don't workout, who moves? If you purchased a house together, where would you go if you breakup! Who gets to keep the house? Would you/could you still live with someone you had to breakup with???
Once moms and dads finally get their dependents out of their houses, why can't they have a peaceful life and retirement without having to raise their kids a second-time???
Your relationship fails, and here you come....wanting to move home again? That's a sign you didn't have a backup-plan. You didn't prepare for hard-times. You didn't maintain yourself a financial-parachute. It means young-people didn't listen to parental-advice that would have saved you a lot of heartache and misery. Are you listening to the advice and wisdom of your parents, and will you put it into practice?
Are you grown-up enough to live independently, if he doesn't decide he wants to marry you? There is still the possibility the answer might be no, or just maybe one-day! How long are you willing to wait for one-day to come?
Before marriage or moving-in, ponder these questions. (Meant for all readers!) Is he or she reliable? Do you trust each other enough to get through rough-patches? Can he or she hold-down a steady full-time job? Are they frivolous with their money, or are they fiscally-responsible? Are their exes and ex-spouses completely out of the picture, or will he or she cause drama? How real is this commitment? Do they care as much for me, as I care for them? Are the kids from their previous marriage or relationship going to accept our relationship? Will there be baby-mama drama, or baby-daddy conflict always at our doorstep?
The reason so many people live together rather than marry is adapting to the predominately-male aversion to commitment and marriage. There has to be some sort of compromise or alternative; or women would never get a man to stick around and live with them. Women unwisely entangle their incomes and credit with guys who seem wishy-washy about the next step. I don't think you need to live together; until you know what it's like to be independent, and surviving on your own. Until you've developed your own survival-skills. Knowing and confident that you don't need to financially support nor depend on a man; who could just walk-out on you. No marriage, no babies! Lest he was merely a sperm-donor from the start. Then you must be ready to be single-mom. Not leaving the kids any choice about not having a father; as some selfishly decide.
That's not a cynical perception. It's the harsh reality of life. Why must you propose? Uncertain that he ever will? Have you asked your parents this question?
I don't offer answers on DC to be popular. I like to provoke thought and give people something to think and talk about. These days we tend to make rash decisions, act on impulse, and throw caution to the wind. We depend so much on devices, it's easy to forget we have a living and active brain. The brain is our action and decision center. Wisdom comes with experience and the retention of what we have learned; and having the ability to be practical, use good-judgement, and know when and how to apply what we've learned. It's smart to listen to the experienced, and take advice with an open-mind.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 August 2020):
 Honestly, truely,
I wouldn't advise anyone to cohabitate romantically with anyone who hasn't paid their own rent for a year. That would include you and your boyfriend.
The pattern you have observed in your siblings is caused by taking two people who have never had to clean up after themselves, pay their own bills, plan their own meals, Scrub down the bathroom after a hangover and so on. When those dirty socks pile up it can be the end of a beautiful relationship.
Here is what we did at about your age (18-21). I went to university away from home for one year. Then we met. Then I lived in Australia for 2 years (long term contract) and she finished out a year of university and worked a year on the other side of the country. We came back the same summer. We married in August and went back to university.
The reason we were able to maintain our commitment to each other, was because we both knew that we could take care of our selves. There was not this expectation that one would pay all the bills, or one would do all the cooking and cleaning.
I propose that neither one of you is ready to live together yet.
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