A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a poor relationship with my mother. She is very abusive both mentally and emotionally. I find her to be very manipulative, provocative and incredibly aggressive. She always says and does things to upset me on purpose. I don't trust her intentions.My brother moved out for the 2nd time, a few months ago so it's just me and her. I virtually don't talk to her unless I need to and avoid her like the plague knowing very well we'll only end up having an altercation.The thing is I told her a couple months ago that I plan to move out and I just found the perfect apartment, at the perfect price in the perfect location but two days later she informed me that her cancer which she has been battling for years has returned and the doctors can't do anything to help this time.I haven't shown much emotion since she told me or changed by behaviors towards her since. It's like I don't feel much sympathy for her because I feel if I do she'll just see it as the perfect opportunity to sink her teeth into me and suck me out dry. Now I don't know if I can still move out now of if i need to relinquish my new apartment and stay with her. She's still a human being.On the outside it may seem as if as if I'm being harsh to my mother but you have no idea what she's like. She's very duplicitous. And I've given her years of chances only to realise she enjoys abusing me. I feel proud of myself for finally standing up to her and her ways.What do I do? My emotions are confusing right now. I don't know if moving out will just make me look like a monster. Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2016): Just move out!
A negative enviroment wont help her cancer anyway!
Tell mum that you have disrupted her enough and your moving out will give her the peace and quiet she needs!
Its a lot better than you hanging round the house wishing she could die so you can be free!
And then call her once a week and send flowers with kind messages!
And visit occassionally.
She will get help from specialists and knowing you are ok and getting on with your life will give her a positive energy which is good for her!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2016):
 You can not STILL care for her while living elsewhere?
I understand why you feel it's your obligation to take care of her, but I don't think it's your obligation to take any more abuse.
Unless your new place is far from her house I suggest you stick to your plan and make a visiting schedule with your brother so you both can make sure she is OK.
People like you who have been abused by someone that close to you, your mother, often feels a strong sense of obligation to their abuser. Mostly because it's been drilled into you by your abuser and in part by society that says you should take care of your parents.
But you might NEED to put yourself first now.
The "outside" doesn't live with her, YOU have, so don't worry about WHAT they think. It's NOT their lives, it's yours. And YOU only have one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): I am so sorry that you are going through such difficulties. I too, have gone through this same situation with an abusive parent who became ill. I totally relate to the frustration, manipulation, feelings of guilt, all of the psychological warfare that an abusive uses. Please know, you are entitled to your own happy, life so moving to your own apartment is not wrong. I am speaking from my experience, I am confident that you will feel a better person knowing that she is provided a safe home, food, healthcare, transportation etc. etc., if you do decide to move into your own place. That being said, I recommend speaking to your siblings for help in coordinating this, making sure that everyone is able to participate in providing their time and care to make sure that she is properly cared for. Also, contact your local hospital for a list of resources that are available for home health care, meal delivery services as well as transportation services when you and your family are unavailable, these resources will help greatly. I understand so much what you are going through and pray that things go well for you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 I think you should move out. I understand that she is your mother and she has a battle at the moment. That does not mean that you need to put your life on hold and live there unhappily. In actual fact the relationship might actually improve between you both when you are not living together. Are you close to your brother? Maybe you both need to work out a schedule where each of you take turns to visit your mother and ensure that she is comfortable. But under no circumstances do you need to take abuse off your mother just because she is ill. That does not make it okay at all. That is why I feel it is best if you move out to your apartment and move on with your life.
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