A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've previously posted a question in January (15/01) of this year.I guess this can be called an update....For a clearer picturs, I am going to post my previous question here as well.What tolerance or threshold limit one should have on his/her past?I've recently got together with a girl who had quite a past. She has been very truthful and open about them. She's had 5 ex-boyfriends before we got together. I have no problem with that for sure as I have numerous past relationships myself. However there are two issues that really bothered me. She has admitted to having an abortion while being together with her 4th boyfriend and cheated on her 5th boyfriend. Cheating is bad I could live with it but to have had an abortion is past my limit of acceptable character. The question is how do I not think about it. I love her dearly but I hold back sometimes mindful of her past. What tolerance or threshold limit one should have on his/her past?The update here is that we've been together for 10 months now and I've learned to accept and move on. We promise never to talk about the past.Anyway, just a few days ago she told me she's got random messeges and calls from the guy she cheated with (on her ex-bf) and has casually replied his messeges. This happens about once in a month or two for this past one year. They have not gone out though. To me, this guy is just out to have sex and as much as I think my gf is wrong to cheat on her ex-bf, I view this guy very negatively as he know that at that time she has a bf but still went ahead to seduce her and get her into bed. So, imagine my surprice when she told me they still messege each other. My gf tells me its nothing and she sometimes doesn't even reply. But basically, i view it as still keeping in touch. I thought we moved on. To me, if you really want to move on, you would delete his contact number and everything (especaiily for someone who just want sex without commitment). We discussed and argued a lot about it. Although she came out defending herself and declared her love for me, I'm disappointed and saddened by what has happened. I have no words to describe my feelings. I'm not sure if i can go through this. Should I take it as it is or move on with my life?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 January 2009):
You say that he is just after sex, but at the time so was she. She found a guy she got on with and slept with him. And that means that at the end of it all, she is still going to get on with him and it can lead to friendship.
You have told her that you do not like her texting her ex's (and he is an ex, even if they were only together one night) and she has to respect your feelings on this even if she doesn't cut contact.
If you do not trust her not to cheat then do not be with her, but if you trust her and you just have a problem with her friendship with this guy then talk to her about it and come to a compromise. DO NOT accuse her or she will get defensive. But talk calmly and explain that this upsets you because you feel threatened by it.
Good Luck!! xx
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