A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts. Three years ago, my now husband were dating and my visa was running out so we decided after a year of dating that we'd get married. We didn't want to be apart, and you know the immigration laws in the US aren't exactly happy-la-la-land and that's why we decided to take a step further in the relationship so soon. I finally get my resident card and everything is fine. The issue is that my husband has very verbally and emotionally abusive behavior. If I spent too much time on the internet, he'd cut it off at certain hours because I wasn't spending enough time with him. If I let the burner on because I'm forgetful, he'd scream at me as if I were a little girl. The latest is that I got fired from a job I hated and he responded by taking away my computer and telling me he donated it because I wasn't mature enough to have one. He once called my dad on skype and told him in anger that he didn't want my father to help me financially that he was enabling me and that he wanted me to be an adult. He would give back my car because my dad offered to pay a couple of months so that my car wouldn't get repo'd. I did find a new job just in case, but my husband didn't believe it until I actually started to leave for work.Okay, I get it. I'm a terrible, irresponsible person that makes him angry all the time. I admit this, I grew up in a bubble and I'm having a hard time dealing with reality. I started taking depression and anxiety medication again because of him and sometimes it's hard at work to do the tasks that come so easily to other people. Usually my husband never cared about my mental conditions, yelling or criticizing me when I didn't have the normal behavior he expects of me. On the other side, he's angry and confused because I don't feel attracted to him. This behavior over the years has really affected my desire for him. And he's a lot overweight so my desire for him was mainly his shining personality which obviously isn't there anymore. My friends and family that know the situation tell me he's a dictator and a controller. The others think he's a wonderful person. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, in anger after finding out I was fired he yells at me to leave the house and I do. I go to a friend's for the night but I refuse to let her know because she's his friend too and I don't want to compromise their friendship because of my side of the story. I've been playing games in the evening with a MMO guild since a year and I've come to add a few of them on facebook. The first person I see who I think I could chat with to pass the time is this "man", I'll call him that. I didn't think it through but we begin talking, eventually I tell him the situation and we spend most of the night chatting over facebook and he's more than happy to keep me company. A nice friendship is born between us. I've already been speaking to this person for about a year, as much as the rest of the guild but it wasn't this way until now. The weeks go by and he tries to spend time with me online playing games, telling stories (we're both creative types) and just talking. He makes my days go by much easier. That is until we both suddenly admit we have crushes on each other. Now I had been considering a divorce with my husband, and for some reason my old therapist and my parents had advised that I wait until my ten year visa came up so that I wouldn't be kicked out of the country. At first I didn't care, I wouldn't stay here because of anyone, but I do love living here so I endured. When I obtained my three year visa everything was the same if not worse. It wasn't a relationship.The crush I have on this man is motivating me to do the thing I was afraid to do before. The thing is that I don't want to be unfaithful to my husband, especially now that he's done a 360 knowing that I went to a divorce lawyer and telling me he's sorry and that he'll change when he never cared before. He used to tell me that I needed to shut up and suck it up, and now he's singing a completely different tune. That he just needs to be more supportive.I also don't want to be the married woman that is keeping this other man a secret. I don't want to disrespect him this way. Should I tell him we should only be friends for now? The only issue on this new relationship is that it's going to be long distance. If I move to another state where I have a family network, we'll be 5 hours away from each other by car. Which I think isn't bad, but he does. He says it's a challenge because his past long distance relationships haven't worked, but that something inside him says that he should give it a shot or he'll regret it. I realized I've always had feelings for him but I suppressed them because I was a married woman. I think the world of him. We've spoken over skype so I more or less know I'm very attracted to him. But the most important thing is that I need to go and be independent. I need a job that I love doing that I wouldn't mind breaking my back for. The very things my husband criticizes me for I realize I have to do. But he has very warped ideas that he's the one who has to protect me that I can't leave his side no matter what. He has trouble believing I'm actually going to leave him. I'm also not sure how long the other man is going to wait for me, even thought he says he's willing to be patient and wait as long as he can for me. Right now I feel so emotionally dependent on him, I love his company and more importantly I'd love his company even more if this situation were over. Especially when it's over. But I also have feelings of guilt with my husband. We spent three years building a life together and it's so hard to just tear that to pieces just because I'm unhappy with him. I think of all our friends and family that I'm going to disappoint. They will be sad if I move and if I hurt my husband's heart. He's a good man underneath, he just has very twisted ideas on love. Because he treats me like his daughter and not his wife, I have fallen out of love with him some time ago. Even before I met this new man.We're supposed to a counselor next week, but I already know my heart. I seriously doubt I'll mention the other man at all. I don't want to hurt him more than I have already. Of course he's manipulating my feelings, counting what comforts I have at home and his niece and nephew often ask my why I'm leaving which makes me so sad and angry that he dragged them into this (They're 3 and 5). I know in this new place I'll struggle, but I'll be independent and strong, hopefully this new man will make good on his word and we can start having a real relationship.Asking for him to sign the papers for divorce is so hard. Should I wait a bit? Should I just rip the bandaid off? Should I mention to the counselor in front of him about this other man or should I keep it quiet? We haven't said much of anything, we just admit we have a crush on each other and enjoy each other's company when my husband was upstairs giving me the silent treatment. I really need help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Sometimes in life you have to think about number one...that is yourself. Sounds like your husband has not given you much if any support over your depression. People who don't have depression don't understand how debilitating it is. It effects everything, from getting up in the morning, doing simple tasks and holding down a job. Its not something you have control over. He has been no support by the sounds of it. But now he realises he could lose you so wants to work at the marriage? A controlling and abusive man such as he, needs someone to abuse and realises without you he won't have that. So now he 'pretends' things will change blah blah. And they might for a while, but he will be back to his old ways. That is why I think you should hold all cards close to your chest. Do not tell him of this friendship with this man. If you choose to leave your husband, you can look at Pershing something with this man. Be careful though, as if you haven't met him he may not appear to be what he seems. You are vunerable, and will be drawn to those who lend a listening ear, who gives you the support your husband doesn't. Men like to play the knight in shining armour, women can be fooled into thinking the guy must really care but in actual fact, he just sees you as an easy target. Stay safe, protect yourself. Don't tell your friends anything as your husband might find out. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): OP here. Thanks for answering my question! I used to have a counselor and she confirmed his behavior was abusive. She retired so I'm not going to counseling anymore. I'm trying to get a new one. My resident card is permanent, I made a typo and said I had one for three years but it's actually ten. I was eligible for citizenship because I was married three years to a citizen but now that I'm getting divorced I'm not sure it works that way anymore.
I still haven't gotten an answer to my original questions, and if I did it would be extremely nice. Thank you, all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): Okay firstly of he is abusive even verbally call the police and look into getting a U Visa. Go to a good immigration lawyer and they will advice you. Tell others outside the relationship about his abuse. TELL YOUR COUNSELOR PRIVATELY OF HIS ABUSE. Do not be abusive back but you must document this. Trust me, I will be an immigration attorney soon.Another issue. Look I used to play MMOs pretty consistently and would talk to my guildies when I was younger. The problem is that since the rrelationship is damaged with your "husband" you are unconciously seeking refuge on these guy's arms.I recently broke up with someone from an MMO, who seemed great at first and turned oit to be a total psycho. I was just vulnerable at first.I met my current bf who is an attorney and couldn't be happier.So do be careful.Also. How long since you've had your resident card??? Is it permanent or conditional?? When are you planning on becoming a citizen?CALL THE POLICE as soon as he gets aggressive, and do go forward with it if he is truly being abusive.Look it up, but be careful.
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