A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am in a steady relationship that we both have assumed each other as husband and wife despite not registering for a civil marriage yet. I love him very much and we've been together for many years. He has made it clear that he doesn't want marriage in the near future and might consider the possibility in 10 years. I am still young and that's not a problem. It's just that I know I would want a marriage at the end of the day but it's not something guaranteed; it is not something in his books. Bluntly put, he's poor and has very poor credit scores, with debts. We are only happy when the financial issues are put aside. All in all, we argue a lot over money. It's often not about who's paying what. It's always about him feeling not able to give me a better life and me feeling very upset from all the arguing. Sometjmes I feel really tired. Because I love him, I don't mind eating cheap and being a cheapskate. I have to let go a lot of things that I have in mind simply because we can't afford it. I am madly in love but I have realised that love isn't everything. I can struggle through but is it practical to be with someone you love but constantly arguing over money?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): It is a bad idea to be with someone that you have chronic arguments over money with. The arguments over time will take their toll on your feelings for him and vice versatile and this weakens the relationship. Note this has nothing to do with how much money is in question. Some couples live barely above poverty line and have no disagreements about money (maybe about other things) . Other couples are wealthy and still argue about their money.The key factor is whether this line of conflict is chronic. If it is temporary then the relationship can be worth sticking through because you know that soon the situation will change so the conflict will go away tor be greatly reduced. But if you don't see the situation changing any time soon then your relationship is going to always be like this as far as you can tell and that means it is probably not going to last. The change I am referring to can be either an increase in money or a change in his attitude. But note that your attitude to his lack of money may eventually take a downward turn if the material situation stays the same. Right now you are content to make a lot of sacrifices. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life if he never makes any more money and neither do you? If you have embraced the frugal lifestyle and don't find it uncomfortable or see it as a sacrifice then that's one thing. But if it does feel uncomfortable and like a sacrifice then it is only a matter of time when you will get worn down and not feel so willing to endure it anymore. Eventually you will question what purpose your sacrifice is serving. It is easy to minimize money issues and say love should conquer it. But reality is it does but only for a finite time. Money is not oust money. It represents a lot of things: the opportunities you will have or not have to experience things in life, the difference between getting health care for yourself and your loved ones in times of emergency or dying prematurely because you cannot afford medical care. Especially if you or a loved one develop a chronic illness that forever requires medical attention. Money can also mean the difference between spending your life slaving away to make ends meet versus having time to invest in things you care about like social justice issues that affect you or taking care of loved ones in a more hands-on way by spending time with them.Money arguments are therefore to be taken very seriously because it is not a given that love "should " conquer all. Money conflicts that are not temporary and not improving but chronic, are a symptom of deeper relationship conflicts.
A
female
reader, Miss.Cupid  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 so i see that you are in the 22-25 age category. Now i'm not sure exactly how old your significant other is. But i have a feeling that he hates himself. and the reason he does is because he has debt, and bad credit, and is currently poor. He hates himself because he wishes he can change the living/finance situation but he cannot. And i think a lot of his anger with himself he puts on you. I think he loves you just as much as you love him. Most divorces occur because of finance trouble. so maybe marriage isnt something thats an option at this moment because of the finance situation and he very well understands that as well. see if there are any other options you guys may have. To be honest, you can only take so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): "He has made it clear that he doesn't want marriage in the near future and might consider the possibility in 10 years. I am still young and that's not a problem. It's just that I know I would want a marriage at the end of the day but it's not something guaranteed; it is not something in his books."Just be aware that if in ten or twenty or fifty years he decides that he doesn't want to get married, then your prospects for finding a suitable prospective husband will diminish significantly over time. "I have to let go a lot of things that I have in mind simply because we can't afford it."Since you are not married there is no "we" where finances are concerned. What is or isn't yours is or isn't yours, what is or isn't his is or isn't his. "I can struggle through but is it practical to be with someone you love but constantly arguing over money?"It is practical to not be married to someone you love but constantly arguing over money, otherwise his debts would be your debts.I suspect you are in "love" with the idealized version of your boyfriend into whom you are waiting for him to magically change to fulfill your expectations. Very unlikely that's ever going to happen, and since he has no reason or incentive to change as long as you continue to shack up with him and make allowances for him then the life you are living with him now is probably very similar to the live you'll be living with him in ten or twenty or fifty years.
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