A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've read a lot of questions here and other sites about being married, and getting obsessed with another man.... I'm in the same boat.... married 16 years.... Current financial and job related stresses for my DH. I've traveled the world with him following HIS career (financial) and successes AND FAILURES.... He's an amazing man.. loves me so much. Just NOT giving me what I need emotionally (nor as physically as I need or how I need) right now...Enter, another man online.... WOW!! He's way younger and thinks I'm soooo hot!! I have mixed feelings because I love my DH sooooo much, yet am angry at him for not giving me what I need emotionally and physically after ALL I've done for him.....He's currently away on business. I'm confused and have mixed feelings about meeting this other man in person. One part of me is obsessed with his attention!! The other part of me tells me NOT to ruin my marriage just for a "fling".... I'm sure ALL the answers are going to say DON'T DO IT!! and I know they're right!!! I'm just so confused... Please help....xoxo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I did this... My wife eventually found out and I watched her fall apart. She needed medical care. The kids didn't know how
to help their mom but they hated me for hurting her. She took two years to feel better. I watch her battle daily. The other woman? I hardly remember her face, it makes me feel sick to recall that time in my life. I lost my integrity and I nearly lost my wife, my boys my home our shared history, everything.
Today things are better but we can never go back. I damaged our marriage forever,and all because the person online said "lets meet, it won't do any harm"
Please look at your husband and ask if he deserves the pain.
Then look at yourself, you will hurt forever. you will be tainted and destroyed. seek more help. Log into The Healing Heart. the stories there will terrify you and they good people will help you.
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (26 January 2009):
 You should do it. It could save you and it could save your marriage and it will be fun so long as you do it right.It is perfectly possible to have an affair whilst remaining deeply in love with your husband, indeed by making you feel better about yourself and by dissipating your frustrations and negative feelings towards your husband it can increase your love for him.You haven't given us a lot of information about this younger man so it is hard to say whether he is the right candidate. Obviously you should be cautious about people that you meet on the internet and you need to be sure that he is going to play by the rules and be discreet.I'm recycling an earlier post here but I believe that what you need is a brief and glorious beautiful affair that is over and done in a matter of weeks. Any longer and the risks (emotional and practical) increase. Make it beautiful not sordid. Don't meet up in hotel rooms for a couple of hours of sex - or at least not more often than you have to :-) Take 2 weeks and go somewhere that you have always wanted to go and take your hot younger man with you. You'll kill 2 birds with 1 stone, you'll be romanced in a romantic place, you'll have great sex and it is much easier to draw a line under it when it is over. At this time of year you could take a week skiing in the Alps and then a week down at Como or Maggiore or if you are looking for warmth go to Australia, see Ayers rock and then stop in Fiji for a week on the way back. Make it a time outside time that you can always remember and on which the practicalities of his and your day to day life have no room to intrude. View yourself and your lover as characters in a novel, do things that you would never normally do but know that it ends when you turn the last page. The end of the affair is an essential part of the beauty of it.Then, go home, appreciate all the wonderful things about your husband that caused you marry him in the first place and treat him wonderfully well.Repeat as necessary (with same younger guy or new model).A few thoughts on successful cheating on a spouse that you love:- lie as little as you can. This sounds hypocritical, you are going to have to lie if you are going to have an affair but lying corrodes the soul so try to keep your stories as close to the truth as possible but with a few omissions. "A friend has asked me to go to Como for a week and we may ski for a few days. Its a bit of girls treat. You won't miss me for 2 weeks will you darling?"- if he is a man in his 40s or 50s, he travels a lot and has been successful in the finance industry then he has cheated on you, almost certainly. Don't feel guilty, you are doing what you need to do to preserve your marriage.- avoid like the plague any situations which might cause you to resent your husband for getting in the way of time with your lover. Once that starts to happen it is very toxic to your relationship with your husband. Keep your time with your lover controlled and limited, let it fill in the blank spaces on your calendar. Don't ever let your lover become number 1.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate: sent text messages to him... wanting to meet face to face... no reply... Sunday is "family day" DUH!!he is 20 years my jr...... maybe I'm too much for him. It's just that w my Darling Husband (DH) away, I'm like so hot to see this guy... BUT NOT FOR SEX!! Which is probably all he wants.... A male point of view would be great about that, although I'll take advice from anyone right now.... I want a discreet non-commital infatuation relationship with heavy petting!!!!!!!!!!! Does THAT exsist???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpvtguy:I agree with you!! I guess I just need to hear more replies like yours... BTW, my DH stands for "darling husband" (currently!! there ARE days when it's damn husband)..... I guess I want to be talked out of a comprimize before it happens........... I'm not taking responsability... putting the presssure on others... I wish someone would get online and tell me they've done that too.... I'm wrong!! I', wrong! I';m wrong!! I KNOW THAT!! That's why it hurts and thats why I'm confused, because it's NOT so easy to stop it!!! if it were, I wouldn't be here asking for advice... Which I appreciate so much.......
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHOLLY_7000OMG!!! Thanx for the bucket of cold water!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ur so right!! i DO NOT WANT TO BREAK MY DH's (darling husband's) HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, yes, online is STILL cheating, and YES, it would kill me to find out he did the same... My DH lives thru his integrity, and I KNOW he's never cheated..... It's just that with all the current stress, and we live abroad (and I'm lonely), I guess I'm vulnerable.... I just started seeeing a therapist (told my DH it was for "boredom" and resolutions, but my therapist knows about this online thing and he gave me meds to sort of stop the obsessive thinking about the other guy, but dammit!! maybe it would have worked better if my DH didnt go awa on biz so soon.... (sad face).... Anyway, I don't want to get "beat up" here... just looking for sound solid advice......Thanks for your answer and the cold water.....xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPVTGUY, I'm NOT divorcing my DH!!!!!!! I love him!! We have a whole life together... Just feeling lonely and bored and my DH is currently too distracted to notice (althogh I've told him, and his response was positive....).... Maybe it's just me! maybe I need drama!! IDK!! I'm sooooo confused..... :0(
appreiate all ur responses!!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (26 January 2009):
 You know that you answered your own question correctly, but I'm possibly one of the most permissive here. I know, and know of, several people who occasionally risk their marriages for the same reason. It's in every way wrong and unwise, of course, but I know that it goes on all the time and probably almost everywhere. You should be happy, and it is up to your DH to provide happiness. If he is not doing so, then of course the proper thing to do is separate or divorce. However, you said he is not providing whatever you need emotionally and physically "now." Will he soon enough? Can he?
If not, and divorce not a financially, familial or otherwise positive thing to do, then you can choose to seek occasional thrills elsewhere, at your own risk. There should be much better ways to go about it than online, however, where you really have no idea who the person is or his motives. And younger guys are particularly questionable. Someone you know might be a wiser choice, if totally discrete and you accept the possible consequences. Summary: Best not, but you are entitled to happiness. Don't do it at home, never talk about it and play it safe. Very risky, but it unfortunately goes on all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant "SHOULD I MEET UP WITH THIS OTHER MAN ALTHOUGH I KNOW I SHOULDN'T", sorry.... super distracted!! OMG!
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