A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 25 years old and engaged to be married. I have been with my fiance for about 4 and a half years and we have a 3 year old child together. About 9 to 10 months ago I found out he was cheating on me. I don't think the relationship was at a physical point yet but I think it was definately headed there. When I found out about it he admitted that he had a one night stand in his previous marriage. The ex to my knowledge is still none the wiser. I really do want to be with him but I am really scared of being cheated on again. It still bothers me often. It hurt very badly. I just choose to push the thoughts away and try to move on. Do you think once a cheater, always a cheater? Should I marry someone who I know has cheated more than once? He says he really realized what he had at the prospect of losing it all...I wonder. Opinions, please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2015): No the best option is to move and find someone who will truly love you!
A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (20 July 2011):
 Depends.
Are you okay with him sleeping with other girls? Yes? Then Marry him.
No? Then don't marry him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2011):
I would absolutely not marry a person like this. He's cheated on you in your relationship, and he was married before and he cheated on her.
So he had no respect for his first wife or their marriage.
And he has no respect for you now.
You'd be mad to marry this man. It's inevitable that he'll do it again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): you are in for some heart break if you marry him, you can't say we didnt warn you!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2011):
 I'd need more than some words to convince me he'd reformed. This one has shown he's capable of deceit and I think I'd insist on some pre-marital counseling and institute some rules about access to emails and phones and all that.
I don't think playing ostrich is the best way to assure a good outcome in this instance.
I'd say some more work is needed, by him and by you, on the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (20 July 2011):
You need to get him into pre-marriage counseling. If he will not go, break it off. If he will not admit his mistakes, break it off. If he will not commit to never cheating again, break it off. If you can not forgive him, break it off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): initially, i would say no, don't marry him... but you know him better than me... there is no easy way out of this dilemma, when your heart is in the hands of someone you are not sure about... if you do decide to marry him, keep a watchful eye on him at all times...
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (20 July 2011):
 I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't marry this guy. Just because he's said he wouldn't do it again doesn't mean he won't. He told you he cheated on you and you're still willing to marry him and that probly tells him that he can sleep around and you'll always forgive him for it. If he does it to one wife, he'll do it to the next. Don't marry this guy until you know for sure that you can trust him. You're planning to spend the rest of your life with this guy, but don't marry someone who didn't have enough respect for you to stay faithful. Make sure he shows you that he's sorry and that he can be trusted. Let him do this for a while and maybe then you can decide what you want to get yourself into.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): don't should marry him. He has a history of cheating, and he has cheated on you once already. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. even if he doesn't cheat on you again, this knowledge will probably forever make you insecure. Your trust has already been broken, it's very hard to get it back, you'll probably always be insecure in the back of your mind even if he's being "good" and over time this anxiety can worsen and you may turn into a jealous person and someone that you're not because you're being eaten by anxiety and this can destroy a relationship/marriage even if he's being good. so to me this is a lose-lose situation: he will either cheat on you again (which I think is likely given his history) or he won't but you'll never be the same again nevertheless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2011): Once a cheater, always a cheater. It takes a lack of conscience to cheat on someone... consciences don't develop overnight; it takes a life change to develop one.
I feel your pain... you feel damned if you do, damned if you don't: either way, you're hurting and I hate that for you :(
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