A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I marry a woman that I am not entirely attracted to and might get fat in the future? She is one of my best friends and has everything I want in a woman... but I can tell she does not work-out enough to maintain a healthy body and always finds excuses not to. She has a great family, loves me dearly and would make a wonderful mother. I do love her. I keep myself in shape and I would never let myself go. I feel that looking good is something I want to do for myself and my partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I can relate to this - only I am the woman who over ten years togther has gained and lost weight, gained and lost etc. My partner has in the past few years been extremely 'honest' about how he feels about me carrying extra weight. He tells me when he first 'noticed' it bothering him he tried to be supportive, encourage me to exercise more etc...then HE stopped being nice about it because in HIS mind I didn;t care about it, and that meant I didn;t care about him. He then became incredibly nasty about it - so much so that I could not believe this was the same person I had so much love and respect for.
I should add here that I am a very healthy eater and I do exercise...and that at no point in this relationship had I not cared about my appearance.
The consequences of all this were that I became so depressed I couldn't exercise, my self esteem went to an all time low, I became so self conscious around my partner I never wanted him to see me naked let alone have sex, I harboured such anger at him for his ugly attitude it affected how I viewed him in general,it also made me almost not want to loose weight because if he didn't love me for me then he could go jump! I felt completely hopeless about my weight, my relationship, my life.
I put on weight when I was like this...adding to the problem! Cycle cycle cycle.
One of the worst parts of all this was that my partner was an 'overweight' kid...apparently quite a fatty. His family constantly comments on his appearance, he never feels 'good enough'. He has times when he binges then purges, times when he basically starves himself. He continues to have a REALLY unhealthy view of himself. His self loathing and "issues" are being deflected onto me!
This is a long story...but basically your post makes me think that NO you should not marry this woman. This issue will only fester and lead to bigger problems for you both. She deserves someone who loves ALL she is - and you deserve to feel 100%...especially when you first enter into marriage!!!
If you don;t want to give up all the stuff you love about her - then get some help to work through your issues relating to her physical appearance and YOUR opinion that 'she let's herself go'. I reckon you might find this has more to do with you than her!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Marry her. Her body WILL change after having kids. It just happens. But that does not mean she will get 'fat'. And if she knows how important it is to you that she look good, then maybe she will start exercising with you.
You listed a bunch of positives about her and only one negative; and it's one that might not even come true.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): if ur in love than u shouldn't care if she's fat.
but if not in 100% love don't marry.you can remain
freinds.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (28 September 2008):
 Look mate even men's bodies alter as they get older, you will not have a nice honed body when you reach middle/old age. Your matabilism slows down and you store more fat than your average twenty something.
Why would anyone in their right mind marry someone if there is no chemistry there? It's crazy!!
Find a lady you are attracted to as apose to someone that you find does not attract you.
Let this lady find A REAL MAN, who will love her for herself and does not give a flying fuck about her appearance. Grow up and get into the ral world.
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A
female
reader, Parisienne  +, writes (27 September 2008):
 Everyone will gain weight with age. There is nothing to say that the supermodel of today won't be at least 20 lbs. heavier later. That is an unrealistic criteria for marriage.
It sounds like there is chemistry lacking here. Chemistry is a big thing. So unforunately I would say DO NOT marry this woman unless you 100% want to.
I would also recommend examining yourself and what you want from marriage. Even your looks will fade with time. Do you want your spouse to judge your attractiveness as a prerequisite for marriage? Unless you are a professional athlete, many of us have a hard time putting food on the table to exercise ourselves to perfect shape.
Times are tough, friend. You need to appreciate your mate for what she is and realize that if you aren't attracted to her that you need to allow her to move on. No amount of time will fix a lack of chemistry.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (26 September 2008):
 do you even fancy her now or are you kidding yourself as you sound like you have to make an effort even now to get turned on.....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Honestly, I have to agree with Eyes on this one. If you're not 100% sure, don't marry her. It's not buying a car or a house, this is a commitment for life.
But do her the favor of letting her go find the right man for her; don't keep her dangling waiting for you to make up your mind. She deserves a happy life with a man who is VERY attracted to her, anything less is disrespectful of her as a person.
Good luck, I'm sure there's a girl out there at the gym waiting for you to find her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Dear Poster
I don't think it is about her weight or her not doing enough exercise; I think it is far deeper then that.
I suggest you need to think about and find out who is right for you. Would you be happier with someone else? Is she your perfect partner?
Have you done a compatibility test?
Yes, attraction and sexual chemistry is important but there are other crucial factors that you have to keep in mind as well.
No relationship will ever be 100% compatible but the more compatible you are the better you will get along and the more fulfilled you will feel.It also gives a relationship a firm foundation upon which to work through the weaker areas.
You and your partner need three ingredients to make your relationship work:
1. Chemistry
2. Compatibility
3. Commitment
If you contemplating commitment but have doubts or concerns do a compatibility test and try to alleviate as many of your doubts as possible to give you hard evidence that can help you determine whether you and your partner will be compatible.
Always remember, the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them.
Hope this is of assistance to you!
Best wishes and keep SMILING
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is how I look at it, If you truly love her then the possibility of her getting fat in the future is a risk you are going to have to take. If it's that importuned to you then I am sorry. I feel bad for you. Since she has all the other quality you want. Did you ever think that Love is some thing that doesn't matter on looks or weight. If you love her then it shouldn't matter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): You gotta love that comfort weight. I've never heard that term before but it makes so much sense to me. That has happened to every girl I've had a relationship with. She starts off the relationship in great shape, then a few months later, BAM!, she's got a muffin top! Its like thanks a lot; all of your one night stands got to have you in perfect shape, but now that you have someone who loves you and takes care of you, it doesn't matter how you look anymore.
You got to hand it to all those players out there. They are definitely living the good life.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (26 September 2008):
 "She is one of my best friends and has everything I want in a woman.."
asides from attraction and dose of anorexia.
you say you workout alot, maybe you should try working some of that FAT out of your head first.
she apparently has a crappy figure.. you on the other hand have a crappy personality and are overly judgemental.
do yourself and her a favor. and don't marry her and ruin this girls life.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Im not sure the point is that "she might get fat in the future." If you arent attracted to her now then what makes you think it will change? You have to accept people for who they, flaws inside and out.
What do you consider fat? A little overweight or more than 100 lbs overweight? The fact of life is, our bodies change over time. Even if you dont marry this woman, your future wife will probably gain a few while pregnant. Another thing that is common is what I like to call "comfort weight." People tend to keep themselves in top shape while single but may pack on a few pounds when in a comfortable relationship.
If health and body shape is important to you, you might want to choose someone that is into exercise themselves. Like attracts lile. Try meeting someone at a gym or health club.
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A
female
reader, LouLee +, writes (26 September 2008):
 By what you've described her as, she seems like a lovely girl. noones perfect.
Also, if she isn't fat now, chances are she might not be fat in the future.
You dont HAVE to exercise to stay thin, some people are very lucky.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Attraction for some people is plays a big part. Other people aren't that bothered. If you think it will put you off her, then don't. But she isn't overweight yet, you think she might be in the future - a prediction you shouldn't stress yourself out about.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2008):
 I don't think anybody should marry anybody if they aren't 100% sure about what they are doing. Marriage is tough enough with no doubts so to enter into it with some doubts already is a bad idea. You know what's important to you never settle for less.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): You have a set of rules and beliefs, you need to fullfil these to be happy. I may have a different set to you.
Only you can decide if you should marry this woman.
Anyone else making the decision for you is passing the buck on one of the most important decisions in you life.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (26 September 2008):
 i think attracting is huge in keeping a marraige alive.
However, you can not marry her and try to change her. Only she can change when she's ready.
The only thing you can do is accept she is who she is ..and if you marry her, then that is what you're going to get. Can't have it all..so what is more important to you? Can overlook this and accept her other wonderful qualities?
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