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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex broke up with me yesterday.Of course I'm sad, but at least I'm calm because I know I did nothing wrong, although he's very mad and hurt towards me.He broke up with me because he couldn't cope with my past anymore. Yesterday, when he broke up with me, he exploded in questions like "Why did you break my heart?" and calling me names like cheap, whore, easy, etc...I never cheated. He just disliked things I did when I was single. So I know I did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this, but it's his choice and I honor it.However, now I'm scared. This guy was my first boyfriend and first love ever. We were together for almost 2 years. And let me tello you, for the most part, it was a magical relationship. I cherish the good memories I have of it. There's one problem though...This guy was exactly like me. We had way too many things in common, it was unbelievable, that hepled in that every thing we did was great for us because we both enjoyed the same things, shared the same laughs, concerns, music (we even had a band!). He was fantastic, really. We just got along great, and if it hadn't been because of his jealousy of my past, I would've married him! He didn't find out about my past until we had been together for like 6 months, he said he would try to get over it, but he couldn't.Now I'm scared that later in life I'll meet other men and I won't like them as much because my ex is such a rare breed so to say... a true gentleman, very sweet, who shared my same uncommon interests! So yeah, I may meet guys who won't give a damn about my past, but what about the othr things I look for in a relationship?It's like I had a great relationship, and now I want something even better! I want a guy who's just like me but who also accepts my past. It will be so hard to find. How can I lower my standards or something like that? Help? What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): The story of me and my wife is exactly the same as yours, except I decided to stay with her. We have been together for 29 years and married for 22 of them. Her past also hurt me, as I was brought up to not think well of a woman like her. My feelings have sometimes hurt both her and me and we have both cried many times because of our feelings. Something that is a little bit different is that she is also not happy about parts of her past. We believe that our decision to stay together and work out the feelings was the best decision that we both made. It has not always been easy, but she believes that I was the best that she ever had and I believe the same of her. Like you, our interests and likes were so much the same and continue to be so. We loved being together and still do and have always been our best friends.
I'm sorry that your story did not end as ours did. My wife feels that she would have had to lower her standards to get someone else and I felt the same. Neither of us are perfect, but we both think that the other is the best that we could have reasonably expected to get.
You might want to read my articles on this board to understand what the guy is going through. I don't know if they will help you in the future, but I wrote them to both help my thoughts and to hopefully help others.
Let me ask a question. Do you regret any things that you did in your past? I'm not asking you this because I think that you should. It is not my right to make that opinion. I'm asking because my wife did regret parts of her past, but couldn't admit it. The reason she told me in the first place is because she had regrets and had to tell me. When she later could admit that she wasn't happy with parts of it, it made a big difference to my thinking of her. I still wasn't totally happy with it, but it helped a lot. I'm not telling you to think badly of yourself or lie about what you think. I'm just telling you to look at your thoughts truthfully and admit what you really think. If you think that you have never done anything wrong then that is your right and you should not change what you think. However, be truthful to yourself.
You may find exactly the guy that you want - one who will be like you and be totally accepting of your past. I certainly hope that you do. Everything is a compromise; all parts of life, including relationships. Would you still want to get back with him? Is there a chance that you could, or are his feelings so strong that it could never work out? It has only been a day, so he may be wondering if he did the right thing. Perhaps you should give it a few days and talk to him about it. You have to decide if he is worth that effort. I considered breaking up with my girlfriend a few times in the first couple of years, but never did. I'm happy that I didn't. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide. It has been difficult for us at times, but it has been worth it.
A
female
reader, cheri  +, writes (7 May 2008):
May I ask what was in your past that is so hard for him to get over?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): I posted this question.
By the way, I forgot to say that he really loved me, this wasn't a lame excuse, he really did suffer because of my past, but he also loved me deeply. There were times when he'd cry because he wanted to get over it but couldn't...
He did a lot of things for me, and was alwasy very sweet, romantic, attentive and respectful. So yes, he also loved me.
It just didn't work out of us I guess.
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