A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:im 22 years old and i have a 2 year old son with a 27 year old guy. a few days after i found out i was pregnant i left the father cuz he got really bad in to drugs and a month before that i gave him a chance to get clean and he wouldnt and i didnt want my child around that kinda stuff. the father called about every 2 months to make sure the baby was fine by that time i was with someone else and the father was pissed off about it. i let the father be there for the birth of our son, but when he tried to punch the guy i was with i mad him leave. in the past 2 years the father has called maybe a total of 15 times and seen my son maybe 5 times. before the last time he called it was over 6 months from the last time that he called. now he is wanting to see my son more and wanting to be a part of his life. my sons birthday is coming up in a few weeks and he is wanting to be there. but as i see it is he is not paying any child support, hasnt been here for my son, hasnt bothered to call much, and my son has a daddy (the guy i got with after i left the father) that loves him and supports him. my son doesnt need the father and would be better off with out him. i just need some advice as to weather im doing the right thing not letting him see my son or if i should let him come in and out of my sons life. the father is still on drugs and drinks alot. he also has a 4 month old that he sees all the time and pays child support for (with another girl) but does nothing for my son.
View related questions:
drugs Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 Ordinarily fathers should have automatic rights to see their kids BUT there are serious child protection issues here. He has shown he is violent and his drugs history is a cause for concern. I would say he shouldn't see the child unless there is a court order outlining access arrangements. Of course, he would have to pursue this matter which means finding money out of his drugs budget for a lawyer. The courts would look at the lack of child support at the same time so it could be very expensive for him. A court hearing would give you the opportunity to raise your concerns and even if it went in his favour you could ask for access to be via supervised family welfare centres that most community social services have available for high risk visits.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 In your update you say this man has been giving death threaths via you to your husband?
And you wonder if you should let him see your son?
Buy a mobile phone with a record function and next time her calls, record the call and go to the police with his threaths.
This man is obviously deep trouble, combined with his drug use who knows what he might do.
Your son does NOT need this man in his life. Considering the in-frequent calling it seems this guy is just on a ego-trip and doesn't really give a damn at all. "I have a right to see my son" without ever talking about his duties first.
Get him out of your life with the help of the law if need be.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (9 July 2008):
Wow, you've done the tough mum thing and you've done well! having read your follow up to this I think you've done everything you could and more. You've given him chance after chance and he's not made any effort.
To be honest I think this guy is still a happy druggie. One day though he'll hit a hard place and realise what he is doing with his life. At that point, when he is trying to make a go of things, THEN give him a chance (with all the ground rules.) to see your son, at your house, under supervision.
You could maybe even introduce him by his first name or as an Uncle rather than "Daddy." That would be less confusing to the kid.
Tell this man that if he has turned a corner and is coming off the drugs then yes, he gets a chance. But if he's just got it into his head that he wants to see his son before going on another bender then tell him to stick it.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have set those kind of ground rules for him the day he started calling once every 3 months and he went from calling every 3 months to every 6 months, i told him that i didnt want my son to be confused with him coming in and out of his life and he saim it wont confuse him. i told him if he keeps telling me that he is going to kill my husband that he cant see our son, and he keeps saying that. and i have told him he cant be on drugs when he comes to see our son and he has came over high on weed one time and the next he came over twicking on ice. both times i made him leave and told him the next time he comes to see our son i was going to give him a drug test. and i did and it was positive for weed once again i made him leave. thats when he stoped calling and finally called after about 8 months so i dont know if i should give him another chance or not. but thanks for the advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): You have a tough situation and should probably call a professional in social work, therapy, or counseling to know what is best. But here is something to ponder while you decide what professional to call:
As a father he has a right to see his son but as a mother you have the right (and obligation) to protect your son.
What about laying some ground rules?
He must call every week to talk to his son.
He must behave respectfully to you, your husband(?), and your son at all times.
He must see his son once a month.
He must not do drugs or drink within 24 hours of seeing him without exception.
It sounds like you are fine without child support but if he does not want to adhere to whatever rules you set for him, then possibly hold financial child support over his head.
Honestly though, a professional is the best way to go on this one.
...............................
|
