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anonymous
writes: I am a married woman who is not happy in her relationship and started talking to guys on the internet. I have spoken to one in particular for only 4 weeks via the internet, over the phone and via text message and I think I am falling in love with him as he is the most romantic person I have ever spoken to and he seems to feel the same. I tried to stop this relationship, but it hurt so bad when I wasn't talking to him. I do not normally fall in love easily and wonder if I am just needing this kind of attention right now - how can I make things better here? Should I try and stop this even though he makes me feel good or should I continue on and see how things go? Please help.Thanks
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 March 2005):
 Don't forget that you're still in the very early stages of getting to know this man, and that your feelings right now are going to be powerful and thrilling, especially if there's been a lack of spark in your marriage for a while. That could cause you to rush into something without really considering the consequences.You write that you think that you're falling in love with him, but it's not possible to actually love someone until you meet them. He may be nothing like the mental picture or the snapshot photos that you have of him. Being in love with someone requires that you understand and accept their faults and weaknesses too - something in short supply when you only have text and phone to contact each other.Not that I'm implying that you couldn't fall in love eventually, but you need to snap out of the romantic daze and recognise exactly where you stand at the moment. Questions you need to address are: Are you willing to leave your relationship to ensure you're free for this man? Is he free to pursue a relationship with you? Do you know enough about his history to make an informed decision about him? For example, does he have kids or debts that you should know about?It's definitely possible that you're just craving romantic attention right now, if your marriage is going through a slump. A situation like this is like someone spraying you with a garden hose when you've been slogging through shimmering heat all day. It feels terrific... for a minute or two. Then you have to think about going home in dripping wet clothes!Only, the 'wet clothes' in this equation are all the non-romance parts of ending one relationship and starting another with someone else . Maybe he's got a temper that you don't know about, or he's a workaholic who'll put everything first except you. Maybe he's a complete slob with morning breath all day! These are things you have to remind yourself.First things first, then. Ask your husband to go with you to counselling to try to work out your problems. You have a lot of history with him and you must have loved him once! Give him another chance to keep making you happy.If there isn't any chance of solving the issues with your husband, make a clean break. Move out, find some space of your own. Then take things very slowly with this new interest. Remind yourself that you're vulnerable and missing closeness and affection, so that you don't rationalise any unpleasant behaviours from the new guy and try to ignore them.Good luck, dear.
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