A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in such a dilemma! I am a 21 yr old woman and this dilemma has been going on for a few years now. When my dad was a child and his parents has died,this family consisted of 2 parents, 2 sons and 2 daughters and the parents looked after my dad like a 3rd son until he married my mum. anyway, my dad always saw them as his family and his brothers and i had heard so much about them but never met them. so when i was about 16 and on my dad's 40th birthday my big brother introduced me to a friend of his named steve and told me that he is one of dad's "brother's" sons. he was the same age as my big brother (21 at the time). We instantly got chatting and he made me laugh so much. after that he started coming to my house and hanging around with me and my brother and my sisters. i think i did quite fancy him but found out he had a long-term girlfriend named sarah. a few years passed and he and my brother were best of mates and he and his girlfriend had a very bad break-up. she told him she was pregnant and he took out a loan to pay for her abortion, after a couple of years he found out she had cheated on him and the child wasnt his.even though he had forgiven her he couldn't handle it and ended up sleeping with about 6 of his best girl mates who were all in love with him. he confessed this to another best mate of his named joe.after a few months sarah was in hospital as she had to have one of her ovaries removed, steve stood by her side all the way and when she came out of hospital she moved in with him and his family to look after her. Sarah's big sister is married to steves big brother which is how they had met. anyway many of sarah's friends came to see her and then steve ended up having an affair with one of them. steves friend joe told sarah about his cheating ways and steve and sarah---after a rocky 7 year relationship---- ended it.after a few months steve would come around with joe and they hung around my house trying to help him get over it but steve didnt know that it was joe who told sarah in the first place. eventually joe started hanging around with him less and less and then he realised joe was the one who grassed him up. steve tried to stay positive and didnt say anything joe. this is where the dilemma began----i felt sorry for steve because i could see he still loved sarah. it hurt coz she always came around his house to see her sister and would completely ignore him. when this would happen he would call me and we would go out for lunch. eventually at home my dad started to see some chemistry between me and steve and accused me of having a thing with him---and there wasnt! my whole family started calling me a tart but i had developed a close friendship with steve and didn't want to stop hanging out with him. my big brother defended me against everyone saying his best friend steve would never do such a thing. however, in order to avoid any staring in the house i started to go out more with steve and we became the best of mates. he would tell me about all the crazy dates he went on and i would laugh and give him advice. we just loved hanging out shopping and eating and talking about life, we trusted each other completely.we confided in each other and at times he told me how much he missed sarah.this went on for about 2 years. overtime we were inseperable, completed each others sentences. my friends all wondered if there was anything going on--but there wasnt.the one day he told me he was seeing a stripper but found out she had a boyfriend and realised she was using him for sex. he had had enough of cheating girls and one day said to me, why cant all girls be like you?then he would say things like you are my life saver, you picked me up when i was down and he pecked me on the lips as i was leaving.i blushed and walked away---did i fancy him? a week later he told me the stripper had called saying she loved him and was leaving her bf so he went back to her. all of a sudden i was feeling jealous. ispoke to a friend about it and she said u dont shut up about him are you sure you dont love him? it took a while but i realised i did. i didnt wanna tellhim though because i was scared of how he would react. would it ruin our friendship? he was my big brothers best mate?my dad is very strict however and doesnt want me to have a boyfriend because he wants me to have an arranged marriage. imagine if i got with him, my dad accused me of being with him once i wouldnt want to prove him right?i kept hanging out with steve anyway and then he said again, i have had enough of girls. 1 girl broke my heart and i became a womaniser but because of you i have changed---i used to lecture him about cheating all the time!then one day i was walking with steve and we saw a friend of my dads,he told my dad he had seen us walking around together. dad went mad and said if i find you anywhere near him again im gonna kill you both. even though dad said this i carried on hangin out wuth him, but one day steve was silent and said im scared to be with a girl again, i said why? he said in case i fall for her but then cheat on her and break her heart, i think iwill stray. then he said,even if i am in love with someone now im scared to be with them in case ihurt them.......i dont wanna do that to you!my face went bright red and i just changed the subject without realising. i went home and thought about it for ages. did he say he loved me?the next time i saw him he was quiet again and said, we have to stop hanging out! i was shocked....why? he said people are going to see us and think there is something going on between us and we would both be dead meat. --i cried! i cried somuch and blurted out my feelings for him. next thing iknew we were in the pub toilets making out. but we both stopped----guilt--what would our families think? i went home that day so confused because i told him my feelings and he didnt say anything but we just ended up in the bathroom? did he want sex or something? i was a virgin and he knew that.the next day i tried to call him but no answer,the day after he answered and said im on a date i will call you later. i was even more puzzled. a few weeks had passed and he hadnt returned my calls. What had i done? what was going on? why wouldnt he speak to me? have i just lost my best friend?i was so upset i started drinking a lot. my big brother got concerned and told steve (obviously they're best mates). then one day steve called and said he needed to borrow some money----anythingto seehim so i agreed. then he said, lets go watch a film. i ended up making out with him at the movies and we went on to 3rd base. when we walked out he said omg...you love me dont you? i said well yeah? he said, well you can call us watever you want then.the next day i felt so guilty, did i just cross the friendship line? i felt strange. then he called me saying sorry but he wants us to be mates and he only sees me as a friend. i was heartbroken. even so he still wanted us to hang out again..it was so awkward but we made out again. the next day he said never again. so the next time we went out for a meal....it happened again. in fact i was saying NO to him! all of a sudden we kept seein each other and making out, it felt so right. he told me how i changed him, brought him back to life. i felt special. the only guilt was lying to my family. at times we would make out and then my brother would call my brother to pick him up saying he was alone and stuck for a lift, my brother would then bring him to my house. i felt so bad, i kept saying no i cant see you and he would get angry and say if i didnt he would go off with other girls. i didnt want him to so i carried on. then he said he wanted to make love to me, i was unsure at first but he really pressured me. we got a hotel room. in the room i said i was scared and he said not to be.......i asked him if he was using me. he said if i wanted sex i would have gone off with my girlfriend. ---WHAT? i was confused, he said yes i have a girlfrind--the stripper, she says she loves me but she doesnt, she just uses me for sex. at that point i was so shocked? what was going on? he kept saying with her its sex,with you its making love. i still said no im not ready........then he said this is the last time im gonna see you--- ever. he said you know our families will never let us be together but lets just make memories together so we have no regrets in life. he said he loved me but couldnt explain what kind of love he had for me.i was 20 years old and thought its now or never. eventually i ended up having unprotected sex with him.the next day i was in so much pain, but i ran anyway to get an emergency contraceptive. however, i was late and wen i told him he went berserk and accused me of cheating on him! fortunately i wasnt pregnant. but as he said it was the last day he would see me i didnt bother calling him and he didnt call me until a few weeks later. he said he lied and that he didnt really have a girlfriend---i was so upset. why lie?eventually we started to try and makeit work and we were on and off for ages because i found that he wasnt making much time for me, forgetting things like making plans and cancelling them, taking loads of money off me---i mean hundreds of pounds and not paying me back a penny. i was feeling used. when he forgot about my 21st bday i was angry. his excuse was i was at the gym, im 26 i dont believe in birthdays. the day after he said lets have a break. so i went to china for about a month---he kept texting me telling me he missed me. when i came back i thought i miss my best friend soi called him, he came to see me and it was like old times..........chatting away.he was talking about his career path going well and i was really happy for him. then he said he went back to the stripper---i was shocked, but he said he was going to sleep with her but he walked away. he didnt realise how much he loved me till i had gone.wat happened, i got back with him and for the next few months, things were perfect between us but 4 sum reason i kept thinking of my family and it was gettin harder to let steve go. idid break up wit him and tried to b friends but then steve found out that sarah was gettin married-----to joe!steve was gutted, his ex that he loved for 7 years and his best mate!i went back to him n kept him happy, things were going well for us bt then he realised that in order to go forward wit his dream career he may have to move abroad to thailand! this is somethin he had wanted to do for years and sarah never let him do it---i didnt wanna do the same--be an obstacle in his life but i couldnt move to thailand and leave my family. my mum hasnt been well for months and cant walk and then 2 weeks ago my dad had a stroke and is paralysed on the right side of his body --- i cant leave them, they need me!i decided that its best we let go of each other, but we kept going back and it was getting harder. we decided to spend one last day together and we made love (it hurt again as it was my second time in the whole yr that we were together!but it felt right.i have taken the pill again so hopefully i wont be pregnant).i went home and was tryin not to be upset but the door knocked andit was joe---he passed me his wedding invitation and left. i dunno why but i cried somuch. steve called me the next day and gave me a beautiful ornament to reassure me that he wud always be there 4 me as a friend, it didnt help that he was still callin by my pet name. but then he started talking abt sarah again saying that he misses her. i told him joe gave me a wedding invite and he got really upset. the wedding is in a month! he got really snappy and shouted at me and then sayin how now one loved him as much as sarah but then he said to me he loves me but doesnt know how and he misses me. i went home and he came by with my brother later. i was puttin on such a brave face at home so no one finds out what went on between us. then my family started talking about joe and sarahs wedding in front of steve. i felt so bad i could see it was hurting him but he was trying to keep a brave face on as well. one thing i have learnt from him is to b strong. what should i do? should i still see him as a friend because i know he needs me but we only broke up 2 days ago! im hurt so bad, seein him hurts more but iknow he is going to be upset too coz sarah is gettin married.whats worse is that she told her sister to tell steve that she still loves him!they have been over for abt 3 or 4 years tho!he is stuck coz he still feels something for her but he feels for me too but at the same time he has thailand inthe back of his mind. im confused---someone give me some advice coz none of my friends even know about us and i have no one to talk to abt it!im thinking maybe i shud just let him go completely for my own sake but i will feel so bad...........lets jus hope im not pregnant as well.
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a break, abortion, affair, be pregnant, best friend, broke up, heartbroken, his ex, jealous, money, moved in, stripper, text, the pill, third base, unprotected sex, wedding, womaniser Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, always there for you  +, writes (5 April 2008):
hi, i'm just 15 and alot of people may say that i don't knoow what love is but i think that you should let him go because God has someone special for you (your soul mate) and staying with him may be just keeping you away from your soul mate and also keeping him from finding his. he might feel like he can't live without you but he'll get over it after some time, and only then you both can be happy.
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