A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my partner nearly 16 years ago he is married and has two grown up children. We have been together as a couple for nearly 14 years. i have never asked him to leave his wife and never would. He himself came from a broken home and has always said he would never do that to his children as he does not want them to suffer like he did. I know he still loves his wife however he is not in love with her. she will always be special to him. they married very young and he feels he owes her something. we have an amazing relationship and spend time together every evening up until a year ago when i took a job abroard. He reacted very badly to me going even though i did come back every month. He was a strong man before i left and he was reduced to tears every day. His wife knew something was terribly wrong so he told her about me. He told her how much he loved me and how much he was missing me. she didn't want to lose him and didnt say another word. He told her he would leave and i think if I had been here he would have. she accepted his love for me and carried on as if nothing had been said. i know she doesnt want to lose him and told him she loved him. During this very emotional time they ended up in bed. He has always fallen asleep on the sofa and sex had been non existent. I recently went away with him for a few days and he confessed to me. i have returned from abroard now and our relationship was strong again. we are such good friends as well as lovers he is my sole mate. I am heartbroken that he slept with her and i want to believe him that it wont happen again. I now have another dilemma his employer is getting him to work more and more abroard encouraging his wife to go too. His employers wife contacts her direct which makes it very awkward. he has managed to stop her going a few times and has taken me. he says its me he wants to be with we have so much more in common. We are both in pieces when we have to be apart and speak upto 20 times a day on the phone.Its just such a mess. I feel like i have found the man i want to be with and he belongs to someone else. I dont want to break up their family even though the children are now adults. They dote on their dad and I know he couldnt cope with the dissapointment of them finding out. I am happy to carry on like we are and have always accepted that I knew what I was letting myself in for but I love him with all my heart and cant help it. His marriage was already failing when we met this I knew long before we got together. His employer wants him to move abroard more permanently and I knoe she is keen to get him away from me. Should I let him go which I know would make us both miserable or is it time to put my feelings first and ask him to leave her and if going abroard is what he wants to take me with him. the job is a dream to him a dream that I dont want to be responsible for taking away from him by demanding he turns the opportunity down. Im so mixed up I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I wish I just didnt love him so much. After 14 years together our relationship is so strong, its fun its loving and I want it to last for ever.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 September 2008):
 So what do you want from us? I mean if you are happy with the way things are, and you are sure he would pick you over his wife if push comes to shove, what's the problem? Or maybe there is just a sniggle of doubt?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): I suppose the comments I got were what I expected.I know my partner inside out and i know he is not lying to me about the sex. He could not live with the guilt of what had happened when i was away and thats why he told me. if he had been sleeping with her all along then why tell me about it. he often talks to me during the night by e mail of phone which tells me he is not in her bed and is on the sofa. We truly are best friends and one thing I did leave out is the fact that I know his wife and knew her well before I got into the relationship with him and I knew first hand that all was not right at home infact i know that at that time she also had someone else something that I have never told him as i always thought if he decided to leave her for me it would be for the right reasons. He is working away at the moment(she hasnt gone) and will be back in a few weeks. I am going with him on the next trip.I am taking my daughter who is 15. He has been there for the both of us including my parents he is such a huge part of all our lives. Its not just about sex its about sharing those special moments with someone you love and I am in no doubt that he loves me. If his employer wasnt trying to move him abroard i would never have written i was perfectly happy with things the way they were. i am a very independant person and have been married and divorced before we started dating. We have so much in common we both have good jobs and work hard. We are good people. I never set out to hurt anyone especially not his wife. i cant help falling in love with him I just knew from the moment we met he was the man I wanted to be with. He loves me so much even after all this time we are like love struck teenagers we spend every moment we can together, every evening we eat together and every weekend we spend the day and evening together he is never at home with her. i hear any phone calls made between them i am certainly not being lied too. I know he is not a player I know if I made him make a choice between us he would choose me this I am in no doubt whatsoever about. I just cant do it though I cant be the one to make a decision for him that will affect so many peoples lives. i think in my heart i am waiting for her to decide that her marriage is a sham and she deserves more. I know i am a coward.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): Look out, because I'm going to be very tough on you - because you NEED IT sweetie!
Wow. I don't think I've ever been in more disbelief with rationalizations until this. Do you see what you have written? Really, re-read your own words = reality check!
- You say he comes from a broken home and doesn't want to hurt his kids? But at one time, spending "every evening" with you instead of his family somehow doesn't?!
- Your upset that he slept with his WIFE?
- You've put your life basically on hold for 14-16 years?
- You justify keeping this relationship going just because he SAYS that his marriage was failing since before you two even met? NEWSFLASH: "Failing" doesn't continue on for this long!
I will bet that if you actually talked to his wife, you would find out an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY! You say she knows, and actually ACCEPTED this affair?! Anyone that can lie to his family for this long, this well, IS LYING TO YOU TOO! Big time!
This sounds like the biggest "player" on the planet I've ever heard of, dear! I'm sorry - really, I am - that you have made this choice for yourself. You have to end this. It breaks my heart to think of all the things you have given up over so many years for this so-called "soulmate"!
PLEASE, let this one get away - far, FAR AWAY! That's really the only way this pain will eventually end for you - sad, but true!
My sincere prayers for you!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2008):
Go ahead and ask him to leave his wife and take you abroad with him. Find out once and for all which side of the fence he really wants to be on. Be prepared for the worst, after fence sitting for 14 years when you are the supposed love of his life, you may lose out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 I'm afraid I agree with Lexilou. If he wanted to be with you all the time, he could have worked out a way to end the marriage and still see his children. Despite not wanting to cause a broken home, he still has managed to put himself in that situation, hasn't he?
So if you really want to know where you stand with him, yes, put your feelings first. You've been with him for 14 years, and his and his wife's feelings have always come first.
And if his children are grown up, they could deal with a 'broken home.' It's not like it's an intact home, if he's been sleeping on the couch for 14 years. They know it's not a real marriage, there's no way they could fake that for so long.
So I think the reason you had to come here and ask this question, is that you're scared of the answer if you do challenge him to leave her and take you with him. You're fearful that he won't.
What do YOU want out of life? Do you want to wait forever for a man who's shown no signs of leaving his wife? Short trips with you do not count. He's had a long time to do this, his children are grown up, what's stopping him? He might be your soulmate, but I think that you are not his. You've put yourself on the shelf for all these years and probably have missed opportunities with other men who are available. Do you want children?
I think you need to face the fact that in this relationship, he's done all the decision making and you essentially are like a cabinet minister, you serve at his discretion. What do YOU want?
If you do ask him to take you with him, be prepared to learn that he's not willing to make that final step of commitment. But at least then you'll know where you stand with him after all these years.
I do wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 You are not his soulmate. if you were he would have left her for you. Wake up and smell the roses. Do you really really really believe they dont have sex????????????!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on girl he is having his cake and eating it - move on. You wont like my answer, you will rate it as poor or hurtful - but only because deep down you know I am right x
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