A
male
age
36-40,
*alifaxer
writes:I have a problem to which I need some advice. I have been in a gay relationship with my soulmate for almost 3 years now. When we met we were polar opposites: I was 21 years old, very sexually experienced, loved one night stands, was sexually versatile and considered a varied sex life the most important thing in a relationship. My partner was very different. He was 29 years old, inexperienced, sexually shy and not confident at all. I gave up my wild ways because the love I found in him was better than anything I'd ever felt before, and for a long time I didn't miss the adventurous life I'd led before.However, our differing sexual appetites soon began to cause a problem after about a year and has since been at the root of many arguments with me seriously frustrated at his lack of affection towards me, interest in regular sex and his refusal to change his ways, despite me begging at times. I have remained faithful and couldn't imagine ever cheating or ending it. He is a very private person and finds it hard to talk emotions, whereas I don't at all.A blessing in disguise came lately in my finding out he'd been lying to me about having been contacted by an ex. It allowed me to really get mad and demand the truth about a lot of things in order for me to assess our future. Thankfully the ex thing had a perfectly innocent explanation.He finally and reluctantly began to shed light on his past and things that are clearly affecting his relationship with me today, and exposed his 1) He was relentlessly teased as school about being gay, having (what only he considers to be!) a small manhood, and being fat - which has led him to be very introvert and not confident about his body or his ability in the bedroom.2) His parents, although continuing to live together, practically divorced when he was 6 - sleeping in separate beds and not showing any affection whatsoever towards one another while he was growing up.My partner was also circumcised in his mid twenties - very uncommon in the UK - which has left his penis and scrotum area extremely... ticklish, which means that he absolutely doesn't like anyone to touch anything around his groin as he hates the ticklish sensation. For me being a gay man and being denied the ability to even touch another man's penis in over 3 years is tough!My partner today is a very passive, non-active and clueless (for want of a better word?) lover, in that he actually has no idea what he enjoys in the bedroom apart from penetration. He hasn't had the confidence or the opportunities to explore his own sexuality. And he's too shy and embarrassed to do so.However, now that I know all of this I understand why he acts the way he does. He's confessed that he does want to change this side of him and realises how it has affected our relationship - he's just been so void of confidence to ever speak up about it. All this time I just had him down as someone who didn't really enjoy sex.So my questions (at last):i) How can I help him discover the joy of S.E.X. - beyond me on top, him below - without embarrassing him, making him feel stupid... and without me asking him to take the lead, as he just doesn't even know where to begin or what he likes and it overwhelms him.ii) Following this revelation, I took him to the bedroom and tried a few different things to see if he enjoyed it. The actual handling of his genitals was bearable, but he still didn't enjoy it because it tickled. What can you suggest to overcome this?iii) He's one of these people that if he has tried something with a previous partner - and not enjoyed it eg. oral sex, hot and passionate sex - he believes this will be no different with anyone else, even with someone he loves so much like me. How can I convince him that one bad experience should not put him off for life, especially with a different partner as it's completely different.iv) And lastly, I feel like I want to get him EXCITED and not TERRIFIED of sex and trying new things. I know I can't push him too far too fast, but I don't know how to go about helping him with these things - and in what order.Many thanks,
View related questions:
confidence, divorce, one night stand, oral sex, sex life, shy, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilb  +, writes (14 November 2008):
I am a straight 28 yr old female but I think I have a similar problem to uyour partner. I basically freeze up whenever someone wants me to be intimate with them. the only enjoyable times have been
a. when I am travelling and only have to see them for one night
b. when my mind was occupied by my fathers fatal illness and so i didn't really think of anything else during that time
c. when i was in the middle of getting seperated from the army and couldn't think of anything else
so basically I think it has to do with shit in his head and not that he isn't turned on by you.
I don't have advice on how to fix this as I haven't been able to btw I don't even masturbate. my mom always thought of it as a bad thing growing up and I didn't have sex till I was 22 believe me it sucks please have patience and sympathy for him because he probably blames himself much worse than you ever could
A
male
reader, halifaxer +, writes (26 September 2008):
halifaxer is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondon't be silly about asking questions. i'm asking for help. that's what you do.
right, as far as depression goes - he did suffer once, like myself so i can relate. i believe this was when he was about early 20's. i have a theory that i want to put out there and see what you think.
i know from being gay that as a teenager you program yourself to NOT share stuff and NOT be open with feelings and the like. i should've probably mentioned that he is also NOT out to his family. he is close to his mum, but he has a rather strange relationship with his family - completely different from my own experience. he does call round to see his mum probably once every two weeks, but he can go weeks - even months without seeing his sister and his father. that sounds a bit cliched as we were talking about abuse, but i don't think - at least i hope - that isn't the reason why.
he also moved out and bought his own place at 20 years old. as far as exploring his sexuality, he didn't begin to make gay friends or lose his virginity until he was about 23. he didn't have any sort of a heterosexual relationship before this either.
if you take the stance that he spent his teenage years supressing his sexuality, fearing a reaction from his parents, with no similar-minded friends to talk to about it. He moved out, still didn't begin to really explore his feelings for another coupe of years - and then had several bad sexual experiences afterwards... i can't help feeling - he's never really re-programed his mind to be open about stuff since.
for example, when i was a teenager i was very much the same way - no-one to talk to, lots of confusing feeling. but like most - when you come out - you then almost explode and begin living a very open and adventurous life, hence why there is a lot of promescuity among young gay men, drugs (which i never did), and why i think gay men tend to wear their heart on their sleeve - because they've been forced to supress it for so long...
he never had any of that!
he did tell me his first couple of sexual experiences were with virgins, so while he wasn't all that experienced himself, they weren't either and so he didn't have the opportunity to learn anything.
he had another experience with a man that was supposedly very memorable because it was the first person who was very caring and considerate with him in the bedroom. when he revisited this situation with the same man, he found the second time to very selfish on the other man's part. it was actually painful for him - and he says it put him off sex for a long time with anyone because of the experience.
i believe he initially adopted the passive role because he had no understanding of what to do.
to answer your question about the circumcizion, he had tight foreskin
have to go. talk later...
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
 I'm totally with you on the 'fun' part of sex; it IS fun. But it's also a bonding thing in a couple. And that's the part he's not getting. So why is it that it's such a burden? And maybe I do understand that he can't masturbate in front of you, but he could at the very least let you know how he pleasures himself. Touch here, use this amount of pressure, here's the rhythm.
Somewhere, he got the message (and internalized it) that sex is not okay, that it's something to be endured. Now why is that? I keep getting back to the abuse thing. If it flashed in your brain, and you know him very well, hmmm, it may be something to explore. But it has to be done very carefully and very gently. And lovingly, of course, but I think that you are here because you love him to pieces.
He's not letting himself go, his brain is going on some internal dialogue.
Um, if it's not too personal to share, why was he circumcised as an adult? That's pretty rare, I think.
One other question, could he possibly be suffering from depression? How is he in the rest of his life outside the relationship and within the non-sexual part of it with you?
...............................
A
male
reader, halifaxer +, writes (26 September 2008):
halifaxer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat's very interesting that you mention abuse, because it has crossed my mind also but I've never raised this. Basically I'm appealing for un-biased opinions on what to do. Does he masturbate, yes. Does he ever do it in front of me or ejaculate during our sex sessions, no. In fact, this is because it takes him a long time to climax and feels it puts pressure on him with me there.I need to try and get him away from thinking that sex is a chore or an obligation or rather than a "pressured" plate he feels he must step up to - if that makes sense. It's FUN!I did once think sex was the most important thing. I don't anymore, but when it's a quick 5 minute job once a week on his terms it becomes a bit of an issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
Goodness, you're not asking much, are you? :^) Just kidding. A bit. (Right, heterosexual female tries to help out. THIS oughta be good!)
So, to take #1 first, he's basically ceded ALL control of sex to you, by being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. Hon, he's what, 32 years old now? How long has he been 'out'? Is he self-confident and assured in other aspects of his life? Does he feel good about the rest of him now, even if he thinks he's small?
He's doing the heterosexual equivalent of lying there and thinking of England. He doesn't really enjoy it, so he lays all the control, thus all the responsibility AND thus all the failure for HIS lack of pleasure at your door. He's made it your problem, when it really is his. You do know that, right? Even so, we proceed.
Does he masturbate at all? Does he or has he ever reached orgasm? What were his first sexual experiences like? (You don't need to answer, that's a rhetorical question, I'm just trying to get you to think logically about this.)
I go back to your comment about him being very private and shy and not self-confident. This is terribly amateur psychology, but the thing is that the one who withholds affection and intimacy is the one who controls the relationship. Sounds stupid, but that withdrawn person makes the other one jump through hoops, and I don't really know why. Being passive in this way is really being aggressive, but it's hidden behind a facade of being helpless. It's not intentional, it's how he's learned to get by in the world. (Again, I'm screaming 'amateur psychology' to myself, but I'll perservere.)
The problem is that this passive tendency, which has helped him get through being bullied and coping with his parents non-marriage, now is failing him in a real, adult relationship. He needs to realize that this is not a productive and effective means of self-defense, of coping with stress.
He's controlling the sexual part of the relationship by not actively participating in it, and you said that this was the most important thing in a relationship to you. So that means he's managed to give himself the upper hand in the relationship in a way that's impossible to deal with.
Again, this is his problem which he has managed to make yours.
Number 2, the ticklish because he was circumcized thing. Um, I think that's silly. Circumcision removes the foreskin, and has nothing to do with the scrotum or the shaft or the thighs or the rest of the package. He's ticklish because he doesn't want you to touch him. It's probably purely involuntary, but that's what's going on. Ask the other men around here if being circumcised means that they are extra ticklish, I think you'll get a resounding 'no' for an answer. So we get back to the fact that he doesn't really want to be touched 'there'. I don't know what he's gone through in his past, but he has come up with this as an excuse. I'm ticklish on my feet and inner thighs. So I prefer being touched firmly, not roughly, there, and do NOT do a very gentle feathery touch. But again, that's an excuse, a very interesting one but still an excuse.
Question 3, When you say 'inexperienced', you also mention that he has had past experiences which means he does have some idea about what goes on in sex. I think he's decided that he doesn't really like it, and there is something else going on there.
If you were a heterosexual couple, you'd be getting questions about strict, overly repressive or overly religious backgrounds. Also questions about possible sexual abuse as a child, a rape or some relative or family friend 'taking advantage'. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and suggest to you that there is something else going on with him. Something he hasn't told you, and may not be able to acknowledge to himself.
Which brings us to your question four. I think that you need to reopen this topic. It's hard for me to accept that you had to have an argument about an ex to get these revelations out of him. You've been together 3 years? You consider him your soulmate, yet on one of THE most important things to you, he refuses to talk. I'm sorry, but he's not yet your 100% soulmate. He could be, but he's not stepping up and meeting you halfway.
I'm sorry, if you were the male part of a heterosexual couple, I would be telling you to reopen this discussion, in a calm and loving way, preferably not in bed, but when you both are quiet and at home and not heading for bed. I would tell you that she's (thus he) is avoiding sex and the intimacy it entails for some reason that has not yet been revealed.
So, let's get to the confidence thing. He's now 32 years old. He is what he is, physically. I would tell a woman to embrace the body she has and learn to find the beauty in it and explore her own sexual responses, on her own, find out what pleases her and what kind of touch she likes. Then share that with the man. I am telling you to tell him the same thing. (Only change the gender. :D)
If he is so repressed that he can't manage that, I think a sex therapist might be in order. Personally, I think that there's more issues than just sex and self-confidence. You haven't yet found it out, but I'm betting that there is.
So what to do? I'd stop pushing on the sex thing, and get to the root of his lack of confidence, his inability to share with you on an intimate level, his refusal to talk about things even though he knows they are important to you. I doubt he's doing it to be mean or stubborn. He's hiding something, and I think he's hiding it from himself, he's terrified about having to talk about it.
Well, I hope you remember that I am not an expert of any sort in these things, I'm just guessing based on what you wrote. But I think you two need to work on his (and your) communication skills. THEN you can work on the sex part of things.
Good luck, and let us know how things go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): just do it and you wont be scared!
...............................
|
