A
male
age
51-59,
*ussie Scooter
writes:I am 33 years old, married for 5 years and have a 5 month old daughter. When I was in Uni, 13 years ago, prior to meeting my wife, I fell in love with a girl that I was in my same class. On the occasion we did flirt, cuddle, kiss etc, but no more than that. She is Asian and at the time I sort of new that it would never be anything more as her parents expected her to marry a lawyer or doctor. Over the years since, we have always maintained our friendship. On the occasion we would still be very very close. Prior to getting married we nearly got together, but this did not happen as I was engaged and she was still pressured by her parents. Over all of this time I have never forgotten about her and keep thinking of her nearly every day. I was always scared to call her or speak to you due to my feelings that never went away - I always had and still have them for her. She married (a doctor) had a daughter and divorced 4 years ago. I married also, but even at the time when I was getting married, I felt that I was marrying 2nd place as I could never have what I really wanted. She even came to my wedding, and at the time I thought - why is it you not here beside me at the alter.I have never been really happy with my current marriage, we do not talk much, I seem to work more and more with not really wanting to be around my wife. We never did have any decent conversations. We had a child, new house etc, but it has not helped me at all. We have every material - but no happiness. I recently met with my uni love, and to find out that she has had feelings all this time and wants to be with me - she finally realised that trying to please everyone else was never making her happy.I have been thinking of leaving my wife, but was always scared to do so - I do love my daughter and want to be apart of her life. I seem to be always looking for an excuse to leave. I do love my uni friend - always have. I never had the same feelings for my wife as I do for my uni friend.Very confused - should I accept fate and learn to live with my wife, but feel lost for the rest of my life, or should I leave my wife and seek love and happiness - but hurt my wife and miss out on my daughter also - I still want to be apart of her life.I am afraid that my uni love does not really know me, and may be accepting me now as a last resort given that she is currently single.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): I would look at it this way...
Take the uni friend out of the picture and take a look at your marriage and your family, thats your first priority.
It doesn't sound like the marriage would be described as horrid, so no need for you to escape.
Going into the marriage with your unfulfilled love at your wedding would have put all those doubts in your mind, that you were getting second best, not a good way to start a life together.
At the core of your marriage, would it get better if you both started spending quality date time together, going to the movies, spending a night in a luxury hotel etc? If you respect your wife, if you like her as a person, you have the basis for a real marriage, it just needs to be built.
'Stuff' (belongings) doesn't matter and when you think it does, you will only make yourself miserable trying to impossibly attain everything you think will make you happy.
And everyday life is mundane, thats why they say marriage takes work, to get out of the mindset of paying bills, going to work, mowing the lawn, etc, You need to have fun and enjoy each others company, isn't that why people get married in the first place? but then they stop ... why ???
I'm not in your shoes but what I have seen in your message is, your marriage doesn't seem like a writeoff.
As for your uni friend, she is still an unknown mystery woman to you, and very exciting, always just out of reach, you haven't married her, you haven't lived with her, nor had a serious relationship with her, the outcome of any future relationship is UNKNOWN. And what happens if you do hook up, are you somehow thinking life won't get mundane with her too??? It will. Then what.
Now think of your beautiful baby girl, who will grow up without her dad, you're not going to be there for her when she says goodnight, or needs help, and you're going to miss out on all those thousands of times that she will run up to you and gives you a hug for no reason, just because she loves her you, and all the laughter and joy she will fill your days with.
Now think about your wife marrying another man, living in the same home as your daughter, spending more time with her than you do, being her de-facto dad, taking all the hugs meant for you. What if he's not a good man, gets angry quickly... Your wife still being young will probably have more children... Now how do you fit into this situation, and where does your daughter belong, or will she ever feel like she has a real home or family at all?
The choice is yours - the consequences affect many.
My only real piece of advice is Think Carefully and consider all of the future ramifications that may arise from your course of action, and be comfortable that you could live with those, because some things, usually the worst things, can never be undone.
Good Luck and All The Best
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 In short, I think you are having cold feet about the marriage thing. This is normal.....a sort of 'is this it?' thing that some people get.
I would (in your place) distance yourself from this friend from the past and work at your marriage to be honest. I cannopt be more blunt than that.
x
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A
female
reader, hiddenspace +, writes (23 January 2007):
 I think possibly having a young daughter is having an effect on your relationship with your wife, and this girl just happens to be there. Why not let someone babysit your daughter whilst you and your wife spend sometime alone? You mention that youve never felt the way about your wife that you did about your uni friend, perhaps this is because they were at different times in your life. Your uni friend, you fell in love with, when you were at a time in your life when everything was possible, and you were just starting to make a life for yourself, to become the person you wanted to be, now you have settled down with your wife, had a child etc. This love is in a different situation to your uni friend, you have already established a life for yourself, and you are becoming more 'grown-up'.
Also, there is a possiblity that you never really 'had' your uni friend, which might still bug you.
When I was younger there was this guy that i really wanted and even now, I wish I had had him, but i think i just regretted not seizing the moment, and wouldn't give up my life now for him.
You say that your uni love doesn't really know you, what if everything goes wrong with you and your uni friend, you have both established yourselves much more than at university, and will have changed as people. You may not get on like you did before, or you might find that you don't love her as much as you thought you did.
I'm unsure about what advice to give you, as I'm not you, and no-one but you can make your mind, or decide things for you. But I think, you need to take into consideration, that times, people and love changes.
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