A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I would so appreciate if someone could give me advice on my problem as I really don't know what to do.I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, I am 22 he is 24, we have been going out since our teens. We didn't have the best relationship in our teens which when looking back I think is because we was too young and immature to be in such a long term relationship.Anyway a couple of years ago I was kicked out of my parents house (I don not get on with my dad at all) and came to live with him. We are a lot more mature now and we always believed we would be together, we have planned getting a mortgage together, marriage etc.Any way late December I randomly looked on his phone and he had been texting another girl sex texts. Obviously I was distraught and confronted him to which he admitted straight away to texting her but he said they never met. He said the only reason he had texted her was because he wanted to feel wanted because of the way I had been acting with him - admittedly I had not been treating him well, we was going through a rough patch and he would often tell me crying that he didn't think I loved him anymore and I hadnt been acting particularly loving, we didnt really cuddle much etc. When he was crying to me I would pretty much just blank it out and ignore the problem and sometimes just be nasty to him about it (I do have a lot of issues.) This is the reason he gave as to why he texted her.I have forgiven him but we still have huge problems and have huge arguments. Sometimes I feel like I want to leave him but I have no where else to go. I'm still at uni but leave in a few weeks so haven't got full time employment yet. I did have a part time job but I left this in March as it was making me so miserable my boyfriend said he would support me financially until I got a full time job. I genuinely believe he wants to be with me and get married etc. even though he did text that girl I knew he was sorry for it. I am just very confussed with my feelings and don't know if I should leave him. I don't know if the only reason I'm with him is because I live here and have no where else to go. But if I leave I don't know if I would just miss him so much that I would want to come straight back to him.Please tell me what you think of this problem. I have no one to talk to about things like this so would just love someones take on the situation.Thank you
View related questions:
immature, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2014):
 You're probably not going to like what I have to say, but here goes. Life is hard, not easy. You kind of have an expectation that things should be easy, and just happen, rather than you having to struggle to get to where you want.
So you quit a job because it made you miserable. But you're still miserable, because now you have no independence and you're trapped with your boyfriend. He has the money you depend on. And now you don't know if you're staying with him out of convenience or not? You are. It was convenient to move in with him when you got kicked out. You didn't move in with him because you wanted to live with him, you moved in because you didn't feel you had any other option.
Same now, you don't have a job, so you stay because you don't feel like you have any other option.
How are you ever going to find out if you actually love this man or not, if you constantly put yourself in situations where you don't have a choice?
You need to gain independence in order to see things straight. You need to get yourself a new job and your own place to live. Imagine your life WITHOUT your boyfriend. What would you have done? You'd still be without a place to live, without a job... So what would you do? Sit on your ass and cry about it? No, you'd be out there doing something to change the situation. But right now, you're not doing ANYTHING to change your situation, because you have a boyfriend that you use as a security blanket. To hide from the real world.
I think you're miserable about your life right now, how things have turned out. When you're miserable in life, well, no matter who you're in a relationship with you will still feel miserable. Some people think it is their partners job to make them happy... so when they're not happy it is the partners fault. But that's not true. It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF happy. A partner is just the cherry on top, so to speak, someone you will share your happiness with. Not someone you will suck dry like a vampire.
Right now, I have a feeling you're sucking your boyfriend dry, and being a vampire. You haven't been affectionate towards him, you haven't shown him love, you've pushed him away, all at the same time you live with him, he takes care of you financially, and you're feeling miserable even so. That's what I call a vampire. You're ruining this relationship by only focusing on yourself and your own misery, and taking it out on him.
Why were you so cold with him? Why did you not show love to him? Perhaps you don't actually love him? You need to think about that. Is it fair of you to treat him the way you did? Are you still treating him like this?
I don't care much about his sexting, because I know very well what it's like to be given the cold shoulder and be left feeling unloved, and it naturally leads to seeking confirmation elsewhere. I don't condone cheating, but it was just sexting, and you had your fair share of the blame of that one. Shutting someone out like you did really breaks the heart, it's like ice in the heart... It hurts a lot.
I once treated a guy like that, like how you describe, and I regret it and feel shameful for it every time I think about it. I even apologized to him years after we'd been broken up, because I was finally mature enough to see how bitchy such behaviour was, and how much it had hurt him.
So, should you leave your boyfriend? Maybe, maybe not. But you should move out and get your own place and a job, even if it's a shitty job, because you need to stop sucking your boyfriend dry. A relationship is about giving, not just taking, and right now you're not giving to this relationship. So in order to salvage whatever is left, you need to create some distance and gain some independence, and learn how to be happy in life on your own. Treat him better. Be happy. Then see how things play out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): There seems to be a strong co-dependency between you and your boyfriend. You fight a lot, because you both really want to move on and date other people. You are dependent on him for a place to live, and you aren't working. That's placing a heavy burden on the guy; then you're mean to him on top of it. Taking out your personal-frustrations on him.
Yes, you do have a lot of problems. You also wish you had your freedom; but you're trying to convince yourself you love him. Not in the romantic sense. Like a friend.
I think you care for him and love him, but you're not in-love with him. You are afraid to get out on your own. You gave up a job; because you were miserable? That's a huge leap for someone with so few options.
You have no place to go and you mistreat someone giving you a place to live and supporting you? If you had the choice of another place to live; maybe you wouldn't be there now. You need him to financially support you. So you don't want to seem ungrateful. That's why you fight so much. You're both stuck and resentful of it.
The truth is, you really aren't in-love with him; and you have no other options. Marriage would be a HUGE mistake.
HUGE!!!
You can't do anything until you find work. He can't see anyone while you're there. We can't help you; but to suggest that you find employment and leave.
Breaking all ties with your family says more about you, than the family you separated from. Who's isolated? You didn't get along with your dad. There's the root of all your problems. Well, you're not getting along with your boyfriend either. So it's time to introspect and start fixing yourself. You're living like a couple of runaways.
You left your whole family, and you burned all your bridges. So it wasn't just your dad who was a problem. Seems like your boyfriend is getting a taste of what pitted you against your dad. You're difficult to get along with.
You seem to have problems adjusting and pulling your life together. I'd bet the farm, that caused the issues between you and your father as well. What about your mother? Any siblings? Sorry, no one breaks completely clean of their families ;and not have any personal responsibility why they don't get along.
When you make up with your family, they'd be willing to help you out. You are holding that young man hostage; and forcing him to take care of you. That's selfish and unfair.
If you gave up a job, without having another waiting; you made a bad decision.
Make peace with your family. Try and to start a reconnection with them, in small steps.
Get some counseling and use every resource available to help young women in crisis. You are homeless and unemployed.
Dependent on a guy, who wants to see other women.
Until you get your life in order, deal with your personal issues, and make peace with your family. You'll always have to depend on some man for your survival. Forcing yourself to believe you care for him, when you really don't.
Call your mother or a sibling. Offer someone an olive branch. You can't afford to make enemies of your family; when you have no place to go, and so dependent on someone who could just ask you to go anytime.
Of course he's going to lie and make excuses, if you caught him sexting with another woman. He's done with the relationship. It's awful, and he has no choice; because he can't really throw you out with no place to go. That would be cruel.
...............................
|
