A
female
age
41-50,
*reen banana
writes:I'm feeling very low and rundown and i blame my husband for the majority of our problems as i feel increasingly bitter towards him, i don't know if i should pull myself together and stop being so selfish or if it really is him thats being unreasonable, we owe a HUGE amount of debt (over the hundred grand mark and thats not including the morgage)most are loans/credit cards in his name, he was made redundant about five years ago and decided to use some money we had to set up a business as he said he couldn't go back to working for someone else, after spending over £20,000 on two business that were none starters he finally started something, this started to go wrong and still costs us money now, he started something else which again isn't making us a loss and after a big argument he finally went and got a part time job, The main problem is he is now angry all the time, what little time he spends with the kids he spends shouting at them, a lot, throws things in a strop (never at anyone)(we are always having to buy new bins, crockary and cupboard doors) and complains he is tired all the time and that i don't support him enough,that he hasn't got enough time to do everything and i don't help.I have a part time job which i have had for the last 14 years and hate (I have only stuck at it whilt my husband swopped and changed his jobs, six months and he would decide it wasn't for him and change jobs)the children are in child care while i work the rest or the time i look after them, regardless of my husbands working week, i have four children the oldest of which is 6, I keep the house, cook every meal, weekly shop, and do the laundry (im usless at that appantly he never has any socks) I never go out im always in looking after the kids,if i do go out he makes me feel so guilty i end up comming home early, he goes out to a sports club once a week and the local every friday not getting in untill very late and is then in a bad mood most of the weekend as he 'has lots of jobs he hasn't the time to do' and is too tired to do any of them. sorry if this is just a rant but i just wanted to get other peopeles opinion, i am even considering the very drastic action of leaving him and going into rented with the kids i am so unhappy but there is just a niggle at the back of me that askes the question is it me and should i be more tolerent of him.
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female
reader, green banana +, writes (4 August 2009):
green banana is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your repliies,
I was having children because he wanted a large family - he wanted 8 but i said no at 4, also unfortunatly i didn't realise we were in so much dept, i belived the business was ok as (i think i said this origanaly) the vast majority of the dept was in his name and i didn't find out untill about 6 months ago, by then it was to late, i trusted him and only found the credit card bills and loan agreements when i was looking for something else, I think trust is a big part of a relationship and athough with hind sight i was niave i belived my husband when he told me things were going all right. We are taking advice for the dept i dragged him along to speak to the C.A.B even though he said he didn't think we needed to and oh... i tryed the holding his and telling him i loved him and we would get through this together - he laughed and asked if i had been drinking at lunch time. - does any of this change your mind GrimmReality?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2009): I think the obvious burden here is the financial one, and you both are under a lot of stress from it and you are both carrying around a lot of guilt and shame which makes you feel bad about yourselves and instead of having compassion for each other and working as a team to find solutions, you both are piling up resentments towards each other and wanting to blame the other.
This alone is destroying your relationship. I feel sorry for your children. And even though you may want to run and go to rented houseing with your kids, I don't think that is going to solve anything unless you are in fear of physical violence.
Because there are children involved, I think both you and your husband owe it to those kids to get a grip on your emotions, calm down and start looking towards each other instead of away to rebuild your relationship and marriage.
First in order is to tell your husband that you fear for his health, as all that explosive anger he has is really bad for his heart. Tell him that you want to work on the marriage and that you wish he wasn't so angry at the world, but you would like to seek some marriage counseling because you think your family is worth saving.
Tell him that you feel he is blaming you and you him and that is not helping anything. Tell him what you do appreciate about him and what you respect him for and ask him what he thinks of you. Start by holding his hand and looking into his eyes and telling him you love him, anything to soften him up and get to his heart, because he is hurting, too....and so are you. Show some compassion for that and stop blaming him for all of your troubles. You built this house of cards together and you can see yourself out of it and build a stronger foundation together.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Wait a second....
You have 4 kids with the oldest 6, and you have had these money problems...and this has been going on for how long?
Well he needs to seriously get a grip and swallow his pride. If he has to work for someone else, so be it...things are tough all over.
This debt had to be incurred over a period of time. Why the hell were you having Kids? Surely you could both see that having kids so close together on top of the huge financial burden being ran up was about as bad a decision as you could make.
I'm sure you love your kids, but come on, thats just ludicrous! Did either of you consider this each time you were pregnant? So unless you have additional info that would change my mind, you are just as much to blame for irresponsibly having children without a real sound plan for taking care of them.
I am sorry if you find me rude, but there simply has got to be more to this story. If that is all there is to it, then you both are equally at fault.
So please, tell me there is more to this story because I really want you to change my mind.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 August 2009):
He sounds like he's just not happy in life and he doesn't realise how much of an idiot he's being.
A good kick up the arse might just sort him out.... and if it doesn't then you do always have that option of leaving and going into rented accom.
The debt is run up by him starting businesses so it's not like you've spent his cash and run off.
Leave him and take the kids and head to a friend or family member. Do it as a temporary thing. Give him the shock of being alone in that house and finding out what it would be like if you really did leave him for good.
Then tell him what is wrong with your marriage, and how you want him to see someone about his anger and split the work more equally.
Growing up with a dad who smashed things, let me tell you, it is in NO WAY great. I always wished he would hit us or mum and get it over with so we could leave or go into care. Anything rather than that constant fear of if it might happen.
Get him to see his doctor and then have a calm sit down talk about what he needs to change and what you can do to change too.
You should be able to go out more and he should be finding ways to bring in a few more pennies to go on those credit cards. If you just put a little extra on one card each month and chop it up so it can't get any bigger, then you can pay it off. Every little really does help as I discovered with my credit card.
Good Luck!! xx
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