A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if I should leave my boyfriend of almost 4 years over this... (This is going to be long but please bear with me!!!)When we first started dating I was struggling very much with a deep depression and self-esteem issues brought on by my controlling ex. I hated myself so much that I could hardly speak to anyone because I thought everything I had to say was useless and stupid (my ex's fault); it was really a miracle that my current bf took interest in me at all. It was so hard for me to open up to him but I explained the best I could at the time all of these issues I was having and how I might not be the best person to start a relationship with. He said he didn’t care but I don’t think he completely understood how horrible my issues really were. He did not treat me delicately as he should have to help me rebuild myself as a person so to speak and ended up driving me into an even deeper depression and just completely destroyed what little self-esteem I had left. He would flirt with other girls in front of my face and behind my back and then TELL me about it later. He would never compliment me but he would always talk about how hot other girls were. There are a whole slew of awful things he did to me, and part of it was my fault because I never said any of it bothered me or I did not stress that it bothered me. The reason I didn’t speak up is because I thought that all my thoughts and opinions were just so stupid because I was an insecure stupid girl who was probably over reacting. At this point in my life I felt that I had nothing to offer ANYONE and so I focused on trying my best to make others happy best I could.So because I felt that I could not talk to my boyfriend like a normal person I put all my effort into our sex life and I was blowing him ALL THE TIME. Sometimes without anything being reciprocated. And he told me he'd never received head as good as mine and of course I just BEAMED AND SPARKLED when he said that and I remember thinking that was the only time I ever felt that I was special. Of course now I craved that feeling and eventually I gave him my virginity even though I wasn’t ready to just so that I could make him happy and give him what he wants. It’s pathetic I know. And I knew that too at the time, which only made my self-esteem issues worse. I also bought him presents but he never liked any of them. He never really did things for me. I invited him to many concerts and even paid for his ticket once and the only time he ever took me to a concert was when this girl he used to like bailed on plans with him so he took me instead. I started skipping class to be with him and my junior thesis project was stolen and my teacher didn’t care and didn’t give me extra time to catch up so I ended up failing out of college.you’re probably wondering why I even loved this boy so much... the thing is that when we did talk it was amazing and when we didn’t I would listen to the things he would say to other people and I connected so much. We are both artists and creatively we are perfect for each other. Emotionally we were both retarded. I blamed myself for our horrible relationship. I thought if only I was healthy I could talk to him about all the wonderful things we could do together.Anyhow after failing out of college my parents finally realized that I needed real help even though I had been begging them to get me into therapy for years. my dad cares only about his money and so didn’t want to pay for treatment for me until he realized me failing out of school that he paid for was probably more expensive than paying $20 a therapy session (but my dad is a whole other issue).In therapy I got so much help and I’m well on my way to a full recovery. My relationship with my boyfriend became amazing when I felt I finally had myself back and we have the most amazing conversations and he doesn’t flirt with other girls anymore. He started really complimenting me a lot and told me I was the hottest girlfriend he’s ever had and that sex is beyond what he could’ve ever hoped for. It was such a nice feeling to be appreciated and to be shown.I didn’t want to make him feel guilty and ruin everything by telling him all the horrible things he did to me in the past. But they still bothered me even though things were so much better. During my period I would get vivid flash backs of him telling me that he was bored of my body amongst other things. I just didn’t understand how he could claim to love me and treat me so badly. I would get paranoid and think that he didn’t really love me, he’s just sort of infatuated with me and we have amazing sex. And so recently then I made the decision to sit him down and tell him everything he ever did to hurt me. He was shocked and ashamed and claimed to not even remember most of it. He feels awful but that wasn’t my goal. I just wanted closure and to be reassured. He says that he doesn’t deserve me or anyone and he wants to break up because he thinks all he can ever do is hurt me. While I don’t think that’s true I was still hurt very much and I still feel that hurt even now. I have horrible body issues now because of him but I’m sure I’ll get over it eventually. Especially now that things between us are so amazing. We draw together all the time and write stories together. It really is my dream relationship if you took the icky past away. But it’s been over a year since things were getting good and I still can’t forget all the horrible things that were done to me. To this day I have never gotten angry with him over these things. When I mentioned them I made sure to explain that I didn’t want to hurt him or that I hated him for it.I just don’t know what to do. Our relationship now is amazing but horrible memories plague me and keep me from enjoying how awesome things are now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): I think you need to return to therapy. Your post is phrased in an unusual way as if you have no control at all over your life and everything that has happened to you is someone else's fault. I don't think you are in the right place for a relationship at the moment and should definitely split up from your current boyfriend. Go back to counselling and spend some time by yourself until you can see things more clearly, have more inner strength to realise that what people say to you is often not fact and just needs to be ignored.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): OP here! thanks so much to everyone who replied!the thing is that my ex and my current boyfriend mistreated me in entirely different ways. my ex was very possessive and obsessive and would not even let me talk to other boys. he was so insecure that he thought my best friend and i were in a secret lesbian relationship together!! he also would not let me talk to my male best friend of over 10 years. he would call me a slutt and a cheater even though i never did anything. he however never made me feel insecure about my body and had no problem showing that he "cared".my current bf was the complete opposite. he let me do whatever i wanted, however HE also did whatever he wanted and never gave me any sense of security or that he cared.after going to therapy i discussed this with him every week after a session. we really did start to build a better relationship. i do believe that he really did/does love me despite everything that he did. he says he just doesnt know how to show emotions properly and he hates himself for it. he is very very remorseful and cant believe that he did all those things to me. it was definitely not all in my head. when i had the courage to speak up everything started changing.however i just cannot get over some of the things hes done to me. sometimes i will cry after we have sex because i remember all the times he told me what made my body flawed. he tries so hard to convince me of the opposite. maybe i should go back to therapy since obviously im still having issues. i just dont know how it will help me if these issues are stilling on my mind. shouldn't they have melted away by now? i dont want to keep making my boyfriend feel shitty by constantly bringing up the past.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 March 2013):
 this is in no way to lay blame on you or anything at all. but you say that you have gone to therapy and are in a much better place emotionally. now all of a sudden HE'S done a 180 and has treated you completely different? is it remotely possible that he didn't necessarily change the way he treated you, rather, maybe he never treated you that poorly to begin with? is it possible that you were just in such a bad place emotionally that you internalized and interpreted what he was doing as hurtful because you were so damaged? does that make sense at all?
i know for me, i had gotten so used to being lied to and cheated on because i had one whore of an ex gf, that i assumed everyone after that was a liar and a cheater, also. and i internalized everyone's behavior to mean that they were liars and cheaters, too.
for example, when i started dating someone new, and they'd do one little thing that was probably innocent, but it made me feel like they were lying, i ran for the hills and ditched them. and i didn't give them a chance to explain. but now that i've had some time to heal, i look back and realize it wasn't them at all, it was ME. the whole time. i was so damaged, that i was creating this false reality.
i'm not saying this is the case, but it was for me.
anyway, you seem like you've done a lot of changing in the past year or two. so why not wipe the slate clean and start over? the past is the past. if you're happy now, why ruin a good thing?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Sorry but it sounds like you need to spend more time in therapy. You are not by any means over it if horrible memories plague you and you have horrible body issues.
Please do see your doctor and continue your therapy.
Take a break from dating him or anyone until you come to a peaceful, self-accepting place.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Dear OP,When you boyfriend didn't accept in your 'worse' stage,what makes you think he deserves you when your 'recovering'.Istead of being with you,supporting you and helping you thru he only brought you down,treated you like a door mat(which you let him)he walked all over you and left you hurt!!he made you feel insecure about urself,your body!you think you need sex,presents to make him love you!he only brought out the negative traits in you OP and never brought out the positive ones! You finally got therapy and now recovering and all of a sudden this man decides to change,now you become the best 'girlfriend' ever!umm sense a chameleon here OP,don't be soo naivee,you'v been strong you fought ur insecurities without the help of your so called boyfriend!you don't need this negativity!let him go,I'd say get rid of him! You need a new start OP one that doesn't involve him! He's treated you like dirt and you don't need that!he dint respect you then what makes you think he will now! He's just using you and having fun with other women around!He will continue taking you out only when someone has bailed on him!you don't deserve this,walk away!he seems evil! Make a wise choice now and you won't regret it,staying with this person screams 'wrong' from all sides!good luck OP
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