A
female
age
26-29,
*imberly12
writes:I'm seventeen and I've been in love with a guy for over two years. When I was in the 9th grade, we dated for pretty much the entire year...until he broke up with me. Even though we were young, we knew that we loved each other. He moved away just a couple months before we broke up. He only lives about 20 miles away from me, but we haven't seen each other since April of 2011. After we broke up, my dad didn't want me seeing him anymore or even talking to him. A couple months after we broke up, he texted me and told me that he still loved me and wanted to get back together. He was okay with it being a long distance relationship, but we had to break up again because of our parents. Since then, we've gotten back into a long distance relationship a few times (and about a year and a half ago he got a tattoo of my initials..), but they always end because his mom always tells him he has to end it. The last time this happened was a few weeks ago. Since then, he'd been texting me telling me that he was still in love with me and still wanted to be with me again someday when we are able to. He promised me that we would be together again someday and even that we'd get married someday. He told me that he knew that I was "the one", and I felt the same way about him. We were supposed to only be "friends" temporarily. But then, last Tuesday I noticed that his texts weren't like they used to be. He would always tell me he loved me every day, but he wasn't doing that anymore. He was only giving me answers like "I know" or "yeah". It was the same for the rest of the week. On Friday, he told me that he was hanging out with some friends and that there was a girl driving them around. I told him that I wish I had friends, and he told me that I have him. I told him that it seems lately that "friends" is all we will ever be. He told me that "maybe" we wouldn't always be just friends. I told him that he used to know for sure, that we would be together again, and he said, "I know." I asked him if something has changed, and he told me no and then said he'd text me back later. So, he texted me again today. He'd been telling me for a while that there are these girls at his school that keep flirting with him and that a lot of girls like him. He told me today that things are getting better for him because girls aren't flirting with him as much. Then he told me that the only girl that likes him is "super cool". I asked him if that meant that he liked her. He didn't answer my question, but he said, "We're still friends, right?" I told him that I didn't think I could be friends with him anymore. He asked me why, and I told him that he misled me to think that he still loved me. He said, "I do. As a friend." And I reminded him that he told me just a week ago that he was still in love with me, and I asked what made him change his mind. He said, again, "I love you as a friend." I told him that he never told me that. He asked if I was mad, and I told him that I was because he told me only a week ago that he loved me as MORE than a friend, and suddenly his story has changed. And he said, "I used to." I asked him what happened, and he said, "Nothing." I told him that something must have changed, and he said, again, "I love you as a friend." I asked him how long has he loved me as only a friend, and he told me that he didn't know and suggested that I stop talking about it. I told him I didn't feel like talking anymore. About a year ago, after we had broken up that time, I remember him telling me that he only loved me as a friend...but eventually, he returned to being "in love" with me again and wanting to be with me..so this isn't the first time it's happened.I'm not really sure what I should do from here. I don't know if it would be better for me to keep talking to him or just stop. On one hand, I like talking to him, but on the other hand, not when he acts like that. A lot of the time, talking to him only makes me upset..but sometimes, not talking to him can make me feel sad, too. I guesss my question is, should I try to keep him in my life because I love him and accept that he won't love me anymore, or should I just keep him out? Also, I'm not really sure what's going on here. Why would he tell me that he loved me a week ago and now he's saying that he only loves me as a friend? I am pretty sure that he's lying about that because I don't think you can stop loving someone in only a day, and this has happened before, like I said. I know that he's starting to like another girl, so I wonder if that could be it. He promised me that he would "always" love me, so what happened?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): [edit] "hormones are not active"
should be: hormones are now active.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): You're only 17, and at your age you really have a lot to learn about l-o-v-e.
You'll meet a boy, and feel deeply for him. That's because he is the only special boy in your life, at the moment. You're just getting to know your feelings; hormones are not active. So if you like him a lot, as far as you know that is "love." Love is a very powerful and complicated emotion.
The love you have for your family is less complicated. It is built-in. It is reinforced daily by their closeness and being easily accessible. They care for your needs, and they are always there. Now you've discovered new feelings that you can have for a guy. Stronger than when you were on 13 or 14. You've spent a lot of time with him. Made no other connections with other people your age. It's all about him.
You think about him a lot. When he's not around, you miss him. You feel really excited to hear from him or see him.
So in the mind of a 17 year-old boy or girl, that is love.
Your parents decided you both needed to stop seeing each other. You made sure you didn't say why; because you don't want us to agree with them.
Parents don't just tell their children to stop seeing someone without a reason. They even asked him to stop contacting you. So you went behind their backs and contacted him anyway. Now you are learning that you have to be careful how you use the word love. It may mean one thing to a boy, and another thing to you. He may say anything for sex, or to control you.
Love is a very strong word. Careful how you use it.
People your age are supposed to date and meet different people. Try out trial relationships that last for weeks or months at a time. At your age; your feelings are mostly tied to your hormones.
You are strongly attracted to boys; because you are a girl coming of age. You're a little past puberty; so your attraction to the opposite sex is stronger. You have a better understanding of it, and do what you can to please the urges.
You will fixate on a particular boy, and your feelings tell you that you love him. Sorry, but at 17, you're not going to find relationships that go so deep, or last that long.
You're still a girl and he is still just a boy. So you still think somewhat as a child. You judgment may not be as reliable as you might think.
He'll meet other girls and they will make his "love" a little shaky. He has been trying to tell you he wants to see other girls. So you are now a "friend."
Boys will tell you they love you. At age 17, you can't take it that seriously. Emotionally, boys are far less mature at that age than girls are. Their feelings don't run quite as deep. They start thinking more from their pants, than with their heads.
Now you know real love cannot change in only a week. You are correct. It doesn't change that quickly.
Yes, he told you a lot of romantic stuff you wanted to hear. He's a smooth-talker.
He talked you into carrying on a secret relationship in defiance of your parents. He enjoyed having the power of having you choose him; over the respect for your parent's wishes. He lead you on with promising you to marry you someday; and telling you how much he cared so much.
Now you've learned that you have to be very careful how you use the word "love." You can't believe it just because someone says it.
You have also learned that sometimes your parents have a reason for telling you not to do something; because sometimes it is for your own good. Even if you don't agree. Maybe they give you their reasons; but you're old enough to have your own opinion.
You are not old enough, or experienced enough, to make the best decisions. That is, when it comes to boys.
You should not cling to him as a friend; because you feel more for him than that. You have to pull away so your feelings will wear-off; and you will be free to move on, and start meeting other boys. Don't just spend all your time chasing after boys. You need to make some friends for fun; not just to have a boyfriend.
Go have some fun! Stop sneaking around stuck on some boy 20 miles away. Asking you to defy your parents wishes; and then turning around, and telling you he's having fun with other girls. You're being foolish to hold on.
Stop listening to your heart, and now you let your brain tell you what to do.
Your brain told you, if he loved you; he couldn't change in just a week. That's because it doesn't make sense. Your heart foolishly says, keep holding on. He said he's going to marry you someday. What about college and all that time falling in-between?
Your brain asks, why is he hanging around with all those girls if he loves me so much?
Listen to your brain. Your brain is correct. Your heart will agree eventually; but it takes a little longer to catch up with the brain.
Your young emotions will make you overlook things that may do you harm. So you have to let the brain analyze the situation to make sure you're not putting your feelings in the wrong place.
You do feel something deeply for him. It isn't as strong as love; and it isn't the kind of love he now has. He says his love for you is only as a "friend."
This is what your parents saw coming; because you were in too deep for your age. Not really ready to deal with what boys his age are capable of doing.
The things boys may say and do; are sometimes only to manipulate you. They know you are naive and willing to please them.
So when things got too hot and heavy between you two teens; your parents stepped-in to cool things down. Especially if they see the boy may have too much influence over your feelings; and you've fallen too deep. Of course they may have many other reasons; but it's a pretty good guess this is at least one of them.
He cared as much as a "boy" could care for you. As two very young people; your minds are still developing. You are still physically growing; and in the very early stages of your transition from a girl, to woman.
You have much to learn; and your mind has to mature enough to deal with powerful emotions like romantic love. Even when you get to be my age, you'll still be learning.
I took time to write all this because; you don't understand and your feelings are hurting right now.
I think you should listen to your parents and cut ties; so you can move on. Start seeing other boys, focus on school, and making some new friends.
You don't have friends; because all your feelings were tied up and attached to that one boy. That isn't healthy.
That's why you're so sad and lonely. You need to be around other young people to have fun. Not spend all your time pining for a boy. Playing Romeo and Juliet. You also need to see what other guys are like. Socialize and find your own way around. Open up a little, and give yourself choices.
It will stop hurting sooner than you think. Nature worked things out in younger minds to help you to deal with times like these. You recover faster than older people like me.
Good luck, my dear! You'll be okay! You'll see.
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