A
female
age
36-40,
*ingy
writes:Just in need of some advice.. I'm not sure if I'll listen, but I would love to hear some thoughts.It will be 5 years in February that I've been with my boyfriend, though the last year has been turmoil. About a year ago things sort of came to a point and I began to address some things that I wasn't happy with in the relationship, and things almost ended between us. 1. I told him I didn't like him smoking weed, that I was left out of the lifestyle and it affected me in various ways. I also emphasized to him that I wouldn't ask him to quit because it would breed resentment towards me or he would end up lying and doing it secretly. He told me he would quit, not because I asked, but because he wanted to. I hastily accepted this and gave him the benefit of the doubt.2. I felt that he wasnt putting any effort into life and that he was just settling for a job he hated, that took advantage of him. I emphasized that he was so smart and he could do anything and I didnt want him to waste it. I felt that I was always trying to advance my life for the entirety of our relationship and he was just stagnant. He told me he would find a better job, and he only stayed because he loved the people but he would start looking for something better. 3. I thought that he may have emotional problems that I wanted him to address. He went to a doctor in about March after a particularly bad breakdown, and the doctor gave him a tenative diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He gave him pills to try and basically said that if they worked then he was probably bipolar, and if not then to return to him for a follow up and they could try a different direction to solve the problem. We almost broke up about 2 weeks later, at which point he was so upset and angry that "I was going to walk away before I even gave the pills a chance to work and how it was so unfair." 4. We had BAD communication problems and this problem is reoccuring. It seems completely unchanged no matter how many times we acknowledge the issue. I gave him an untimatum that was either we do counselling or break up because I was sick of arguing about the same thing over and over. He doesn't want to do counselling, he thinks that if we do a date every week to talk about things we will imrpove. I accepted this possibility and gave it a chance...Anyways... It has been about a year and I find myself looking around trying to analyze the situation. He has not stopped smoking weed. He claims that he has cut down, but it is still every day and I feel that he is dependent on it. I wouldnt mind the occasional recreational habit! but it feels like all the time.He DID get a better job about a month ago... but it was because he had gotten fired from his last job and had no choice! Does that still count as getting a better job for the sake of himself, me, our future..? I feel like I owe him some credit there but at the same time.... We had a fight (The same fight in which I offered up the counselling ultimatum)and he revealed that he stopped taking the medication the doctor had prescribed. He says he felt better without them, and he saw them as a "leg up through a difficult time." I HAD noticed a difference with the pills, and I think that you can't just drop the issue! Even if there is nothing wrong, you should follow up. But if there is something wrong it wont just go away! Our communication issues are the same... and in my heart I feel that they won't get better this way. We are definitely insane; doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over....I just don't know what to do. He is a great guy and I love him, and these negatives don't define who he is overall... but they are problems that I am not sure I want in my future. I dont know if I could live with them forever and not have a growing resentment.. I am not perfect and I know this! I am working on myself throughout all of this too. I have steeled myself to leave him so many times but a billion things stop me. I dont think I have the courage to rip my life to shreds. But this has gone on so long I feel like I am insane. This is the tip of the iceberg but this is quite a long post.. I just need enlightenment. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What did you do? Should I keep giving him a benefit of the doubt? Am I being too demanding and unrealistic? Is there a better way to address these things? I worry that this is as good as it gets, because sometimes we are quite happy, and if I leave I will die of regret someday. :(Any feedback would be great. Thank you for reading this long thing!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Thanks for the feedback, I certainly think that you are going down the right track. You have a good attitude in that you aren't going to force him but just bring up the points, you certainly can't spend another year waiting though! Relationships sometimes reach their natural end and this could be one of those times. I wish you the best of luck, you can always post on here again if times get tough in the process of things ending. If I thought I was going to have a family and see history repeat itself with the drug taking together as father/son, I would feel disappointed. Life offers more then that but it seems your bf is stuck in a bit of a rut. Take care x
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female
reader, bingy +, writes (18 October 2011):
bingy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't see myself marrying him as things are. The problem with it is that people pretty much come "as is". I can't see him ever truly stopping smoking marijuana. Possibly quitting for a while, but taking it up again after perhaps a few years. It sounds unfair, but it is an assumption that has basis. Him and his father habitually smoke weed together, lots of it, and sometimes I find myself looking at the two of them and thinking: What if that was my son and my husband doing that? How would I feel about it? I appreciate your comment. I wish I had a more clear direction to go in. Perhaps putting the issues forward again is the way to go. Letting him know what I expect and don't want in my future... and I suppose the rest is up to him. Not so much telling him what to do.. but telling him what I want and need and seeing if he feels like fitting the mold? I love him dearly, but our future is questionable.. and I feel like at the age of 24 the future is something that I need to seriously address.It's just disheartening. It feels like there were a few main promises that have just gone by the wayside. I don't think I can give it another year to find out, again, nothing has changed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): Hello
I hope perhaps writing that post has helped you a little! I think you have gone about things in the best way possible for both you and your relationship. Five years is a long time, I have been with my bf for over five years now and I feel lucky that we have been able to grow together in life. I try my best to be laid back and never place restrictions on what he should or shouldn't do, and he is the same as me. I believe no one has the power to rule another's life or tell them what they can and can't do.
In your situation I can see how you were very open and I admire how you didn't demand that he change, but you spoke honestly about the areas of his life he could do with addressing.
I wonder if you can see yourself with him in another five years? Would he still be smoking weed, staying in the job he has now while you strive for higher achievements. Can you imagine yourself marrying him how he is now?
Maybe he takes you for granted, I don't know whether I would be able to do this but maybe he needs you to break up with him to see what he has lost? But that would be hard to do and could risk him not seeing at all!
If you love this guy then pushing for counselling could be a good option, ask him not to do it for you but for the sake of your relationship as you asked before but backed down but let him know that your feelings havent changed and would appreciate him trying.
I apologise if there are spelling mistakes I am typing on my phone and it usually messes up!
Best of luck x
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