A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't believe this situation!6 months ago I meet a guy in a coffee shop. We were attracted to each other instantly. Sex happened a week later, and in couple months I was having dinners with his parents and siblings. We spend with each other many nights together, exept for those he travels for work. I work in a medical office making around 2K a month. I also have a 12 years old, father is not in a picture. My boyfriend is a software engineer for a big company. He is also a project supervisor. Which puts him in a 6 figure salary. I drive old 10 year old SUV. Long story, but I have a small but paid for house, but still after insurance, taxes, utilities and telephone bills, it takes a good chunk out of my salary. My daughter and I live very modestly, I try to save couple hundreds a month for house and car repairs, and may be once a year a short trip to the mountains with her. I mean, it's pretty obvious to anyone that here is a single mother with a still very young child with no help from anyone and not much money. I THOUGHT, it was pretty obvious to him, I never gave it another thought. He knows what I do, he can't possibly think that I am making good salary. I can't afford any fancy restaurant, every time we go, he pays, I never initiate it as I can't pay for it. I cook for him often, and we eat in a lot, and he loves my cooking. He brings groceries also. I thought he is very keen in what is going on with my finances without knowing exactly, but kind of understanding situation. So, he started a conversation about a summer trip to Europe. We started looking at tickets together, planning and anticipating a beatifull time together ( my daughter also). I never knew tickets are so expensive. For the dates we wanted, it's almost 1500$ each round trip. Assuming that he is perfectly aware in what position I am in with money, I thought he realizes that for me to pay for these tickets would be madness and absolutely impossible. Honestly, I thought he was going to pay for them. It's not that I expected from him any vacations, not at all, but when he offered I thought he was going to take care of it. I was completely shocked when he asked, if that price was ok with me. At first I didn't even know what to answer. Then I mumbled something like that : o, I didn't realize how expensive airfare is. He said, we ll continue in a few days with the bookings. Now, I understand that I will have to come up with at least 5k to have this trip or even more ( we didn't even discussed hotels yet, my daughter is old enough not to share room with us. )I am disappointed, of course at one point I will tell him that I can't pay for tickets and will see what happens, but the moment is ruined. The man makes at least 4 times more than me, he has everything 4 times more bigger and expensive than me: house, car, clothes and obviously vacation. We get along great, his family really likes me, and I like them. . I am not saying he must pay for this trip, absolutely not, but this situation left me feel ....lonely, I am not sure that's the proper word to discribe it. I am still trying to dig deep into my feeling trying to understand what exactly it is that I feel. in a mean time I am a bit reluctant to see him until I figure out this situation. That's why I am posting here trying to find some answers. How is it him being so smart not being able to figure out that it's enormous money for me to pay? And what is it a feel about all of these that makes me feel so upset and disappointed? May be I should just not have this reaction at all, and simply tell him, that I can't go on a trip because I can't pay for it?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Just tell him you cannot afford it. If he insists on paying for the trip, show some effort to minimize his costs incurred by you. He cannot expect you to come up with cash you don't have, but he should be satisfied when you show him that he (his wallet) is not taken for granted. Have a great trip!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 He may understand on an intellectual level that you earn far less than he does but that doesn't mean he fully grasps what earning less actually looks like on a day to day basis. Plus he has no children of his own so he can't appreciate what it's like to have another person to consider every moment of every day, every day of your life.
His income is considerably higher, but so too, as you've pointed out, is his overhead. This means he has far less spending money at the end of the month than you assume he does. He has bills too, and worries of his own.
He could have posed the question differently so that his intentions were clear, but he did ASK. A reasonable person would have answered with something like 'Gee, I'd love to but I just can't afford it.'
It was premature and, to be totally honest, in very poor taste of you to have accepted what you thought was a lavish gift from a man you'd only been dating for six months. It's not just air fare we're talking about here. There is the cost of the hotel (were you going to reserve two rooms or all bunk together?). There are meals, transportation in Europe, and spending money, and many local attractions charge admission.
I can understand how it would leave you feeling lonely. The three of you going on an exciting trip together made you all seem like a team, like a real family. Having him cover the cost probably made you feel like someone had your back for a change instead of always having to get by on your own. That someone thought you special enough to treat, in stark contrast to an ex who can't even be bothered to provide the basics for his own child.
You can feel whatever you want to feel, but I don't think his error was any greater than yours.
I suggest you simply tell him that you got caught up in the excitement and after giving it serious thought, you really can't afford the trip. You'll have to talk to him soon, before he goes ahead and books these tickets.
This is easily fixable and it would be a shame to spoil what has been a good thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2014):
 Talk to him and tell him the sooner the better. This is a case of two people talking but not communicating.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): Thanks for your answers. Well, I already told him that I didn't realize how expensive tickets are.
I think it wouldn't be such a surprise for me if it was not such a big gap in financial situation for us. If he was on my level, or somewhere around it, then yes, I would not even start thinking of him paying for me. I think this expensive vacation wouldn't even come up, and if we choose still go somewhere where we both can afford , I would without question pay for it.
Yes, I did assume that he understands, because for me it's just a common knowledge that an office clerk cant afford to spend thousands of dollars on 2 weeks vacation in Italy. My spending priorities can go so far.
I would be very much surprised if a WalMart worker, for example, tells me that she/ he went to Paris for a couple of weeks. Or a car wash guy flew to Bahamas for a weekend. Not saying that it n never happens, but its very uncommon. For me it lays on a surface.
If he offered to go to a mountain cabin for a week, then yes, I would understand that he may be expects me to pay part of a trip, but not for a luxury vacation!
Cindy, I don't expect him to have any parental responsibilities. He offered himself to take my daughter with us to see the world a little, his own words. They get along very well. I wouldn't even go without her, I have no family here, and I cant leave her by herself.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2014):
 I'm with Tisha. You both operated on assumptions, and assumptions are often misleading. TALK, instead.
You assume that he should have been more perceptive, - maybe, or maybe not. Some people just aren't very perceptive, or very observant, or very detail oriented,- some things just do not register with them. PLus, sure that your way of life might have given him a wrong impression !" Patronizes coffee shops and drives a SUV ", does not authomatically go with " lives hand to mouth ". I am not scolding you, lol, I do the same . I am not living beyond my means,- I just have different spending priorities , I make different choices than other people. Often people have thought than I am richer than I am, - just last week I had to convince a friend that no, no way in the world I could join her in a two week's vacations to Burma, - she was all " but you always dress nice... you always go to the hair stylist , the nail salon ... " yes, it's precisely because I care about being well dressed and well groomed, silly old peacock that I am:), that I can't go to Burma, so sue me !
Assumptions, assumptions.
You make assumptions, too ( and yours frankly sound even less reasonable ). You had assumed that he would pay everything for an European trip, for you AND your daughter, after six months of dating ?! I don't think many men, rich or not, would authomatically offer that after just six months of dating- that's a BIG gift. And maybe he had " assumed " that the kid could stay home , or that her travel expenses were going to be paid , if not by you , by the girl's father/ relatives . One generally does not take over parental responsibilities for a 6 months companion .
Or more simply, he had assumed ,like you,that this trip was going to be much less expensive, and , that if this was going to be a problem for you, you were going to SAY it. What's the big deal ? " Tickets are 1500 $ each ? OmyGod, that's way more than I can afford on my salary and budget !, we'll have to pass, or , to choose another date / location ". Even IF he " should " have guessed how much you can spend ( debatable ) , well, he did not guess, so what better occasion to set the record straight and let him know , in order that he can plan within your range in the future. You are really overthinking this...
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 April 2014):
I think you should just talk to him about it..you could be blowing things way out of proportion and you may have misinterpreted his words. Either way, just talk to him about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
 But if you want to be annoyed by his lack of clairvoyance then by all means, go ahead and do so. It just will result in the end of the relationship and I don't really think that is what you want. Or is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2014):
Obviously, you do have to spell it out for him. Were you hoping you were dating a mind reader? I know it's so delicious to have a man know you inside out without having to tell him but that is just generally not the case…
It's reasonable for many people to assume that the father is supporting his children, have you discussed the lack of this support with your boyfriend? If not, why not?
http://consumerreports.org/cro/2012/12/what-that-car-really-costs-to-own/index.htm If the SUV is working just fine for you then by all means hang on to it.
Are you native to the US? I noticed you placed the $ sign behind the number like this: 3$ coffee instead of the more common US convention of $3 coffee.
You also used the word "advices" instead of the word "advice" which would have been more in line with common US parlance.
"We spend with each other many nights together" instead of "we spend many nights together"
"I have a 12 years old" instead of "I have a 12 year old"
"father is not in a picture" instead of "father is not in the picture"
"we didn't even discussed hotels yet" instead of "we haven't even discussed hotels yet"
So these clues tell me that you are not a native American English speaker, so you are either an immigrant to the US or you are from the US but perhaps your daily language is Spanish? or something else?
The reason I point out these things is that you are making assumptions based on your world view and my observation is that your world view may not be in a alignment with his. You are making assumptions and he is making assumptions.
So my advice remains, speak the truth and do not make assumptions and do not make the mistake of assuming he knows you well enough to know everything about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2014): Tisha, Thank you for your advices. I like my car. It's actually a very nice reliable car, that doesn't require lots of repairs at all. House also, but I have to have savings IN CASE something happens. I spend my money very wisely, and can afford much more than other people who make even more money than me. I don't know how he could possibly assume that me having a 3$ coffee signifies that I can pay for such a vacation. He knows me for half a year, I don't have to spell it out for him how I live. He sees my house, furniture. Even not very observant person can't not notice the difference between his lifestyle and mine. Anon. Female, that's what i will do, I lol just tell him that I looking closely at expences can't afford it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2014):
P.S. And just to add an additional cost saving idea to your list, why are you driving an out of warranty SUV? Do you live in a state that gets massive snowstorms or haul a lot of stuff around?
You are paying more for gas and any repairs are now all on you. Timing belts and whatnots become really expensive.
I would consider selling 10 year old SUV and finding a safe smaller car with better gas mileage and some warranty on it. Buy a used one so you're not paying extra for the privilege of driving a new one off the lot….
Oh and P.S.S. You will have to come clean that when you started talking about this trip that you thought he was going to pay for it. That's a big assumption and maybe that's part of your discomfort?
P.S.S.S. This whole being honest thing may wind up with you two understanding each other much better. Or it could be a disaster and the whole thing is over before it reaches the 7 month mark. But what are your alternatives? Be brave, be truthful. Go!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2014):
I can see why you are disappointed that he wasn't aware enough to know that you simply can't afford the trip. Perhaps he just wasn't thinking and assumed that you had the resources to be able to afford it.
You met him in a coffee shop, so perhaps he assumed from there that someone sitting in a place where a coffee drink costs $3 has the disposable income to be able to pay for a fancy coffee drink every day?
I think you haven't been fully honest with him about your financial situation. It's time to be perfectly honest and frank with him about that.
"My vacation budget is $X. That is what I can afford for myself and my daughter. The trip to Europe sounded so lovely, I just couldn't bring myself to tell you my truth.
"My truth is that the trip is not in my financial means. Thank you though for the lovely thought and I do appreciate that you believed I could swing that."
I'm wondering if this relationship is really viable if you aren't able to be honest with him and if he has expectations about you that don't match reality?
What do you have to lose? You have been dating this man for 6 months and are talking about taking a trip with your daughter. That seems very, er, familiar for so short a time. Generally a huge trip like that might be best after a year of dating, when you know you are really compatible?
I think you both have expectations of this relationship and neither of you are being forthcoming enough, for how intimately you are now involved.
It's time for one of you to woman up and speak your truth! And yes, that means you. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2014): I empathise with you, and think it is probably lonliness you feel, as so far everything has been going so well with this relationship.
I expect you are just dreading telling him as it will be like you made an assumption he would pay, not because you were taking advantage or necessarily wanting him to, just the situation of differing financial circumstances. All you have to say is your devastated, as having looked at the cost in detail, it's not actually going to be possible for you and your daughter, but maybe something you need a little more time to save up and plan for. Differing financial circuumstances are awkward, but shouldn't come between you and him. Your working, your saving, your not depending on anyone or looking for a free ride, so don't feel bad about anything.
...............................
|
