A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We have been married for 13 years. Today my husband confesses he has cheated on my twice. He says whatever my verdict is, I am his only love and will always be. I am sure that this is the first time and I regret that we are apart now as I moved to work in a different city. What do you advise? Should I just go ahead and divorce? Is there any little hope that this will never be repeated in case I forgive? Advice me please...
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female
reader, l'Extase +, writes (22 May 2015):
We decided to meet, in 10 days time. We will try, hope this is not just extending the period before we fall apart. Thanks for all your advices!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015): Thank you for all these words, my emotions are very sharp and fall from one extreme to another, including disgusting feeling of imagining that he was making love with the other and all the related thoughts of the scenes how if could have happened, which brings me to the point that i cannot let him touch me any more. Another extreme is wanting to be with him so much and loving him to death. All in all it leads to that I think I will try. .. He is acting now as I would want him to act, and I believe he is honest. The question for me is how to do this so that it can prevent any future similar incidents... I have always thought if you did it once and you have got the forgiveness, you are able to do it again. He bought my ticket for the end of month and asked me to think about it and only accept it if I want. Just one day to talk and come back to our places. I want it now desperately but I am not sure I can control myself not to sleep with him. Which I guess will not be the good thing to do at this stage. And when I forgive and we start to move forward, I know that I will still have this anger which will come from time to time and I will bring this up to him. It is just so difficult, I would never imagine it would be so killing....
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (20 May 2015):
 Hi There,Divorce is always the easy way out of. Fixing your relationship...now that is where the challenge really is.Sure you could walk away, but what if he really regrets what he did? What if this regret is what was need to for BOTH of you to wake up and see there is a problem in YOUR MARRIAGE!!!Take your car for instance...You get a flat tire, that's a problem right? So lets not fix the problem, lets get rid of that car and go get a new one.The hardest things to do brings the best reward.So many people get devoice, get into other relationships, and those relationships, even other marriages, go to ruin all over again...why? Because they didn't learn to change a flat tire and fix the problem, they went out and a new set of problems.I fight for marriages, because they have too much value to just walk away. If you have to walk away, then make sure you learn all your mistakes so that you do not make them in your other relationships.Right here is where people get mad a say "My problems!!! He cheated on me!!!" Yes your mistakes...no marriage or relationship ever breaks up...just because. It takes two people to do it. Normally is it a lack of something...love, attention, respect, affection, patience, understanding, all the things you can not buy in a store. Take those things out of a relationship, and you have room mates. If someone else is willing to give what is not given at home...chances are...one of you will cheat, or think of cheating.One question that was asked of me when I was having problems..."What have you done to make your relationship all that is could be?"Most people say things like...I buy her flowers...I do all the house work... we go out on dates.... I pay all the bills...and so on. Most people describe physical things that they do, and these things should be enough to keep a relationship going...never. Only things felt by the heart can sustain a bond in any relationship.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (19 May 2015):
 Thank you for the follow-up.
Three things stand out to me about the additional information you've given.
1) You have a son together. This does not mean you HAVE to stay together and work on things - you have every right to be angry and hurt by what your husband has done - but it is first on the list of reasons to try. In some situations divorce can be achieved with minimal impact to the child/ren. Unfortunately you and your husband live in two different cities so whatever custody arrangement is agreed upon is likely to be disruptive for your son. He will be dividing his adolescence between two cities as well.
2) It sounds like at least some of the communication about this issue is going on long distance via phone and text. Sometimes it's hard to get a good reading of a person's emotions that way. Remember that your decision here has the potential to change all three of your lives and try not to rush to a decision you may not like in the long run, whether that's getting angry and leaving or swallowing your pride and staying. Consider sitting down IN PERSON with your husband and a marriage/family counselor to better assess the strengths and weaknesses in your marriage, and then decide.
Neither of your posts have mentioned legal representation. If you decide that you cannot reconcile with your husband, make sure you retain a good divorce lawyer so that your rights as a woman and a mother are protected during the divorce process.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): I agree with the above writer. It is not totally impossible for a guy to love a woman but make a mistake.
It is fair for you to verify his activities and hold him accountable. I have a rule . Unless my partner is not open to total transparency I do not believe there is the ultimate love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Thank you! I have not described the details enough. I am devastated but I love him so much that even in this situation I could not let him suffer and I spoke with him, though I requested the divorce this morning. He is in self denial,disgusted of himself and self-offending. I would never imagine this happen, although we have been married since almost our childhood and he has always been truthful to me. I think he is very honest in what he says. He says he is not giving his promise as he cannot trust himself any more and does not really know he is capable of doing in the future. He has a very bad heritage from his father and relatives and he compares himself to them saying he did what he hated in others. At the same time he is not begging for forgiveness and even says that he will accept anything from me as I have right and he deserves to be treated like that. I cannot really imagine our relationship without trust and freedom we gave each other. He was very lively and happy after that, spoke about the plans to move to us, saying that he had resolved one issue that he would tell me about when I would see him. We talk almost every minute or text. On Saturday again he I noticed something was going to go wrong (I in fact knew this was happening for the first time - I just felt it) and on Sunday he started to show how much he suffers of what he did. And he said he needs to talk to me asap and cant wait until our next meeting. We spoke and I could not sleep even a minute since than. In the morning I wrote him, i want the divorce,he asked not to take this decision quickly and since then we have been texting for several hours. I am not sure I can live with him any more. I am not sure that he really wants it either. Perhaps his sense of guilt and self disrespect is the only thing that makes him beg pardon. He says he'd rather die because our son does not deserve the father like this and he goes on and goes on. I said to him love does not disappear in one day but it can coexist with hate. I also said that I want him to be happy (can you believe, again... he brought me to this and that his son needs him). I would give half of my life to delete these days from my life. I would really give.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): A man who has cheated on his wife twice doesn't really respect his wife, or his marriage. His confession may ease his conscience, but it will destroy your trust. He will say all sorts of loving words; because he is seeking forgiveness.
This question remains. If he loves you so much, why did he cheat on you twice?
Forgiveness can be given after a divorce. He was probably forced to confess; because the person or women he cheated with may have threatened to tell you themselves.
He doesn't have the strength to control his sexual urges for the sake of his marriage-commitment. Therefore; he doesn't deserve your trust. He broke his vows.
If you have the capacity to forgive him entirely and your trust isn't destroyed; it's really your call if you wish to remain in your marriage. Most people try to forgive, but they always carry a tinge of resentment and the painful memory that their mate went outside their marriage. It will revisit time and time again. You'll often wonder if he will do it yet again? If you decide to stay, you will have to overcome all of these insecure feelings. Can he handle the challenge of rebuilding your trust? Is the marriage solid and good in every other aspect? Simply put, is it really worth saving?
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (19 May 2015):
I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.
It sounds from your post like your husband cheated two times (with the same person?) and then confessed to you of his own accord, so that is the scenario on which I base this advice.
Your husband acted wrongly in cheating on you, but IF he confessed to you by his own choice (as opposed to being caught in something), this is a powerful expression of remorse and guilt on his part. What he did doesn't align with his conscience, and the same feeling of sickness and guilt that led him to confess to you - when he could have kept quiet about it while you worked in another city - is likely to stick in his mind and make it easier for him to be faithful in the future. He won't want this feeling again.
Under no circumstances would this obligate you to take him back unless YOU want to give things another shot. But yes, I think the details you describe make him less likely to repeat the offense than someone who has a long-term affair, or hides instances of cheating until caught beyond a doubt and then lies or makes excuses as to why it happened.
So I guess the primary question for you is, do you want this guy back? Was your marriage happy and fulfilling to you before you found out about the cheating? Is what you had together worth saving, or had the love in your marriage faded for you both?
If you decide to work on your marriage, distance is one of the things that absolutely HAS to go. Either he moves to your city or you move back to his, but trying to rebuild trust with your husband at all will be difficult enough. Doing it long-distance, where you have only his word that he is where (and doing what) he claims to be, will be next to impossible. Yes, he SHOULD have been able to remain faithful even while you were (temporarily?) apart, but since this was problematic for him, the baby steps of rebuilding trust in your marriage should include accountability from him to you about cutting contact with his affair partner and keeping out of future situations where he might be tempted. You can't verify these things from afar, and for a while you will need to verify them in order to have peace of mind.
I hope this helps, and whatever your decision, I wish you strength moving forward with it.
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