A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Should I keep trying to save my marriage? I am 38 yrs old and married for 3 yrs. My husbad and I are currently on our third session of marriage counseling but I feel that it is too late. I want a divorce. 3 months after we got married and bought a house he left his good paying job to work with his brother. Ever since then things have gone down hill. He has done financial dealing with his brother without my knowledge. His brother is paying him only half of what he was making in his previous job even though there was a promise of more money. His brother has given him bounced checks, the pay is not consistent and my husband allows his brother to be disrespectful towards me without saying a word. He actually blames me. My husband will not leave that job no matter how much I begged. He also does not communicate with me about anything.My husband is not as business savvy as he should be but he only has about a 5th grade reading level. I am a smart woman working for a large co and I can take care of myself and my son(not my husbands). Should I tell him I want a divorce during counseling? Or should I coninue to be patient and wait to see if things will change? I have been going through 3 years of this.Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): it is never to late, but you have to have the will for it!
A
female
reader, TrueLoveCoach +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Dear Anonymous,
Before you decide to end your marriage, I'd like for you to consider continuing the counseling for at least six months. If you've only gone three times, it is way too early to decide that the counseling has not been effective. Meanwhile, here's an excellent book that I have recommended to many of my clients: Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis.
You say that your son is not your husband's biological child and you do not indicate his age. If he is very young, he will have to deal with the loss of a man he may well consider his father figure. Please take this into consideration as you decide what you will do with your marriage.
It's important to keep in mind that counseling will not "fix" your husband. The purpose of marriage counseling is to help the relationship. It's up to you to do your part to work on making the relationship work. It's up to him to do the same.
Here are a few more books you might consider:
The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher
Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage by William Glasser, MD (or any book by Dr. Glasser)
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD
I wish you the best in this difficult situation. Please share your concerns with your counselor.
Michelle E. Vásquez, MS, LPC
Your Successful Singles Love Coach
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): My first thought is that counselling won't be of much help if you've already made up your mind that you want a divorce. It does sound like you and your husband have different priorities. And the fact that he doesn't stand up for you with his brother reflects poorly on him.
Only you can decide whether it's worthwhile to keep trying. But I have to think that if your communication doesn't improve that it indeed may be a lost cause.
Good luck.
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