A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m really struggling right now and need some help, advice and a bit of love please, Cupid friends.I just feel like my life is falling apart. Especially when it comes to my family. It’s super complex, but I have alcoholic parents who were very emotionally abusive. There’s be police coming to the house regularly because of drunken fights. I have a brother and sister who I’ve always been fairly close to. But we live a big distance away from each other now being adults. I have a relatively ok relationship with my mum - I put clear boundaries in place after I got therapy and don’t ever respond or communicate with her when she’s drunk. Which has worked. Her and my dad have never taken any accountability for how they were in our childhood and I’ve mentioned that it would massively help if we had that chat - but they just avoid it. I have so much built up resentment and it’s affected me and my siblings a lot in our adult life and I feel like I can’t have any stronger relationship with my parents because of it.My sister has just had a baby - and the way she told me was to say “no judgment” at the start. She didn’t tell me her partner was throwing a baby shower and no one told me or my brother she’d given birth. We had to find out from our grandmother. These actions, to me made me realise her boundaries with us and I said congratulations, but left it at that. She kept sending us photos of her baby but I don’t want to get attached when she is so MIA and clearly doesn’t want a close relationship. She has not spoken to me since her baby was born. It’s been 6 months now which has made me feel really hurt.My brother is the one I’ve always had a pretty good relationship with. I used to think the world of him when I was younger. He couldn’t do any wrong. He moved away abroad and we grew apart - and he’s never really made any effort to know what’s going on in anyone’s lives. He asks if we’re ok to talk about himself. He told me he got married whilst away and didn’t really mention it to anyone else. He recently messaged me to say “have you got married?” Because my sisters partner saw an Instagram photo of me and my boyfriend at a wedding. This really annoyed me - given the fact that my sister hasn’t spoken to me and she asked my brother about it - and my brother would even ask me this. I said I’d talk to him when I was less annoyed and he said ‘don’t bother.’ I just feel like I’m being treated like shit from my family and I’m sick of it. I want to detach myself from them. But I do appreciate that I am a very sensitive person. I just thought that I was closer to my family than clearly they think about me. I need what none of them can give me..i.e my mum and dad to take responsibility for their abusive behaviour, my sister to blank me and and not even tell me she’s ok when she gives birth..my brother thinking I’d get married and not even say anything to him. I’m not perfect and I would be so open to admitting this, but I feel so lost and alone right now. I feel like honestly no one actually really cares about me at all and it hurts. I don’t know if I should just accept things for what they are with my family and try my best to detach myself..or if I should try and patch things up. They bring me no joy in life but I can’t imagine being older and having 0 contact with anyone. Thanks so much in advance for your help and for listening. X
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 July 2023):
 I think you have to accept that you, your brother, and your sister were ALL affected by your parents and your upbring but perhaps not quite in the same way.
So you all have childhood trauma and you have all tried to find a path that helped you live a "normal" (to you) life.
Your brother "ran away" to a whole other country to escape his trauma (even if he didn't as he will carry that around always).
I don't think they don't CARE about you but the trauma outweighs keeping close to you. YOU are a constant reminder of how messed up childhood was. They KNOW you went through it too, but they might also feel LIMITED in how many people they can have close and still function.
Your sister did whatever SHE felt worked for her and YOU have done what worked for you.
You might be related as siblings, and bonded through trauma but that doesn't mean you will always be friends.
I think (and this is a guess) that your sister's "avoidance" around her having a kid is to (in her mind) keep her baby safe, something SHE wasn't as a kid. You are part of her trauma, thus YOU fall into a category "alongside" your parents but not WITH your parents.
You are the reminder of where they CAME from, not where they are going.
Maybe what you need to do is think of them as childhood FRIENDS, not siblings. People you keep in contact with by sending birthday and Christmas cards and the occasional Hey how are you?" greetings.
SEE how that FEELS to you.
I hope you have considered so counseling with a specialist to unpack your trauma. And then repack it and put it to rest.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (25 July 2023):
 There are movies about the perfect family and yes, some people seem to be lucky enough to have the perfect family but most of us do not. Some families are far worse than others. Its hard when you are a child, because you don't really have much say so in things and you learn to cope with situations and people the best that you can. It can cause long term devastating affects though growing up in a dysfunctional home.
I sympathize with you growing up with 2 alcoholic parents. That could NOT have been easily for you and your siblings in any way shape or form. My former husband was an alcoholic. I know what it did to me and our children. My son is very detached from others and only lets a very few people truly know him. I am sure it is a protective wall. He doesn't want to get too close to people because he doesn't trust them. He didn't live with his father much but he was around him and seen what his father was like.
My parents fought like cats and dogs when my sister and I were growing up. I used to pray that they would divorce. It wasn't my dad but my mom. I believe with all of my heart that she was bipolar but never would get help. She would just scream at us and go off on us for no reason and with no warning. It molded the way both my sister and I are. To this day I get freaked out when people raise their voices and I absolutely can't stand confrontations with anyone. My mother is 87 and I honestly am still afraid of her. Sad. I have little to do with her because being around her just really depresses me and makes me uneasy. She won't change at her age and I choose not to let her upset me. My sister and I are close but she is very guarded and only shares what she wants to share we will never be as close as I wish we could be. I am a very sensitive tender hearted person and Just can't take fighting and cruelty. My mother used to say horrible things to us and she wasn't drunk or on drugs...just mean.
You have to chose what you want to deal with and what you can handle. If your parents upset you then its ok to not want to be around them. Who can blame you? Don't expect them to apologize because they probably never will. Accept it. They may not even remember alot of what they said or did being alcoholics. As for your brother and sister they are probably dealing with things the best that they can and just don't feel the need to bond as you would like. Again, sadly you can't do much. You can't make people feel what you want them to or be who you want them to be. Do what makes you happy. I don't think that your siblings are trying to hurt you..you have all suffered and everyone has to cope with things in their own way. You were wise to get councelling. Don't stress about what you can't change. It only causes unhappines..
I will leave you with one parting bit of information which helped me in life in dealing with my family. A very wise man told it to me.
You can't choose your family. What you get is what you get. You can choose your friends, and your mate. Family is what you are stuck with. Sometimes you hit the jackpot...and most of the time you don't.
Keep that in mind. I hope it will help.
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