A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my Boyfriend for just under 6 months. We are very much in love and are planning on marriage and children. He is a beautiful person and everything I have ever wanted. We have been in a long distance relationship from the beginning and this has added many extra pressures and struggles. Jealousy and insecurity are constant issues. My Boyfriend is very outgoing and always aims to meet new people and make new friends. I have a problem with him befriending attractive young females. Two particular incidents have really hurt me. 1. He visited me at school over valentines day, while I was in class he wandered about my neighborhood. He met a beautiful women in a near by dress shop. The exchanged emails. I snooped through his email account and discovered the email exchange. He was overly complimentary and suggested they meet for a cup of coffee. I suspect he would have never told me about this if I hadn’t come across the email. 2. While I was visiting him we attended a Broadway show. He became interested in one of the back up dancers. He contacted her online. They exchanged emails. They have talked on the phone. and now they are planning to meet. I have told him how uncomfortable these situation make me. It has nearly destroyed our relationship. He accuses me of being insecure and trying to control him. He has never cheated on me. He professes to know where the line between friendship and sex is. Should I just accept him making new beautiful female friends?
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cheated on me, insecure, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 So he specialises in finding beautiful young female friends? Doesn't he ever make any ugly new female friends? Or male friends?
At the moment, where you are both in love and planning on marriage and children, this habit of meeting and contacting beautiful young women may not lead to anything significant (although I wouldn't bet on it -- he seems to be in "shopping around" mode). But one day down the track, he's going to go further and you're going to get hurt.
You know his proclivities and you can see where they might lead. I would be very careful about a guy like this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): What is important is that it is making you feel uncomfortable and bad. Firstly you set those boundaries - they are yours and you stick to them. Secondly he should be bothered about how you feel and not do it. Fact is.... he clearly doesn't care because he blames you which is, in fact, a good way of deflecting the issue and trying to get away with it. What he is doing is wrong. I think its time you called his bluff and went out with a male friend. In fact, if I was you I would dump him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): If you can't trust someone then there are big problems whether they surface now or down the track.
First, YOU need to explore your trust issues and insecurities and be very clear about how these are impacting on your relationships with others/how these motivate your own actions, comments etc. Have you had a bad experience in your past? Did you Dad cheat on your mum? I dunno? But if you don't understand this stuff about yourself - it will keep affecting things even if you move on to a different relationship.
Second, a committed relationship involves each person behaving in such a way that the other person should not feel threatened or insecure (especially after so little time together!!) - your BF sounds like he is not behaving appropriately. I agree with a previous poster, that he should be able to have female friends - but what you are describing here is not that, it is a lot more "murky". I think you have good reason to be concerned. He may not have "cheated" - but he is flirting and having some personal need met through this...I fear that it is only a matter of time before "opportunity knocks" and his coffee date becomes a bit more.
If your relationship is strong and he cares about you as much as you think, you should be able to discuss this issue with him (you need to be careful how you bring it up/what you say etc). He should be willing to accept that you need some boundaries and he should want to show you how much you CAN trust him - and if not, then maybe he is not the guy you should be marrying!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 I agree with the other poster. It doesn't seem he's just being friendly, but he's picking women up.
Just as a word of caution, if a male befriends someone, occasionally it can be an attractive female. Neither her beauty nor his being with you mean they can't be friends.
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A
female
reader, heartfield +, writes (19 May 2008):
 This is a tricky one. The fact that he got angry about it makes me suspicious. It's good to be a friendly person, but if he's going to be in a serious relationship, he needs to have more respect for you, and take better care of your feelings, especially in a long distance relationship. Ask him how he would feel if it were you. Try to explain to him that you're not accusing him of cheating, but that you can't help but feel insecure about it. Ask him why he doesn't tell you about these 'friendships.' If you read the e-mails, did he mention you at all? If not, maybe you need to think about that. Also, maybe you could casually suggest that he bring you along on some of these dates, especially the ones that are near you.
Hope I've helped.
xox Lauren
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Are you invited along when your boyfriend goes on his little coffee dates? If not, you have to ask yourself why. Sounds to me like he's picking up - personally, I wouldn't stand for it.
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