A
female
age
36-40,
*ngeleyes2003
writes:My husband and I have been together since we were 19, married since the age of 20. He's always been heavily into pornography and is constantly pushing me to engage in activities that make me uncomfortable.I understand that porn use is very common, but it's part of a larger picture... Also, when I say he pushes me, I mean he gets upset when I am hesitant at the idea of a threesome, anal sex without lubrication, etc. In other words, I feel like it's all about him and he couldn't care less about me.About a month after our daughter was born, he got on every adult dating website known to man and set up profiles. I caught him a month later and he claimed that he was merely wanting to talk to another woman about sex.I don't really buy it, but he promised that he would never do anything like that again. Thing is, he did this a few years ago behind my back when I was entertaining the idea of doing a threesome with him. He got online, saying he was single, and looked for women. When I caught him he claimed that he was "just looking for us".So, now seven months later I find information on his computer indicating that he has another secret e-mail account. I went on his gmail history. (He is very careful to log off before doing anything I'd disagree with but sometimes he slips up.) When I went back two weeks, I saw that he had googled:"Where to find sex parties""Why are women on dating sites ugly""Why are women not fun"Is he most likely up to his old bs again? Should I invest in a keylogger for his laptop and phone even though my heart tells me it will probably spell the end of our marriage? I try so hard to make this man happy and I feel like my life will be over if we divorce. I'm only 25 and our daughter is 9 months old. My husband has aspergers and this might be contributing.Do I go all the way and find out the truth?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I assume you knew about his aspergers before you married him. this condition means he has great difficult feeling empathy. Why would you marry someone who has difficulty feeling empathy, how can this lead to a good marriage?
anyway, I think you already know what the truth is.
if you're not OK with his promiscuous behavior, and with his pushiness and disregard for your personal boundaries, and you've already communicated these things to him and he still continues, I think you may want to consider divorce. This kind of behavior is emotionally abusive to you and will get worse over time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): I was at the same crossroads you find yourself in right now. I knew if I verified what I knew in my gut was true... nothing would ever be the same again. I asked myself... whether I could just turn away from my pursuit and remain ignorant.
No matter how afraid I was there was nothing REAL that could ever harm me more than always being afraid... always wondering. My integrity, faith in myself and the fact that deep down I loved myself more than wanting that other fate for me. I believed I was worth more than that.
So are you. You are worth more than that. Do whatever you need to do to place your mind at ease and protect yourself... Do it. Otherwise, you have made yourself a victim and a pawn in someone else's tragedy. Knowing the truth, you will have a clear conscience and if you choose... you can get him the help he needs.
It wasn't easy, but I learned what I had to learn and got my husband help. He has faced his demons and learned what it is to be a man... perhaps for the first time in his life.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 January 2011):
 Stand firm.. be very clear and do not change your mind. I know you have to be very clear and direct when dealing with people with aspergers.
NO THREESOMES
NO ADULTERY
NO ANAL SEX WITHOUT LUBE
Do not change your mind, these are fixed, firm rules. This way he cannot say he doesn't understand.
I would also add NO SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNTS. Why does he need one for. I would be honest with him about everything and tell him that I know about the secret gmail, and think he's a liar who can't be trusted not to have sex with other people.
Why do I get the impression that people with aspergers do not lie.
Do not get keylogger, your not the police, he has the right to ask his questions, he has the right to dream and imagine, even if he dreams about threesomes. But you have the right to demand he be faithful, you have the right not to be used and abused during sex.
You do "everything" for this man.... then you say "it's all about him"... mmmmm... doesn't this ring any bells?... If you treat a man like a king and lay down and ask him to walk all over you, don't be surprised when he makes you his slave and leaves his footprints on your back.
People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Be very clear and very firm about the type of husband you want at home.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): I would invest in the key logger simply to gather evidence. Then I would hire a good divorce lawyer.
Your husband is a horrible person and you sound miserable. Is this the way you want to spend your life?
Your life will not be over, the nightmare will be over and a better life will begin.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Aspergers impedes his ability to have empathy. It also impairs his ability to understand other people's emotions. So when you cry/get upset, it means it's difficult or impossible for him to connect his actions to your feelings. I am dating someone with aspergers too and this connection is always a struggle.
He is hurting you plain and simple, and it won't change. Especially with his disability, he won't be able to change this. He clearly is being extremely selfish and it's unlikely to change no matter how upsetting it is for you.
Pressuring you into anal sex without lube is purposefully hurting you for his own orgasm. There's no reason to ask for it unless he wants it to hurt. You need to leave him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Anal sex without lubrication? Ouch!
Listen... don't let him pressure you into anything that you are not comfortable with. It is ok if both of you are into it otherwise it is not.
Find out the truth. If it is the end of your marriage so be it. Then both of you can get on with your lives and you can both find what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Aspergers is NOT causing this behavior.
You need marital counseling, ASAP, and a keylogger might help you bring that to the fore. However, be prepared for what you get.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 He has been diagnosed with asperger? How serious? You are aware that this is a very serious mental illness that makes people incapable of functioning normally as social human beings?
Basically you are asking why a person with a disease that reduces empathy why he seems not to care about you.
Do you also wonder why blind people just don't seem to see you?
Forget about the cheating, doesn't 'anal sex without lubrication' give you a bloody big clue that this person has issues? Anal sex has one rule 'more lube'. He wants it without?
This isn't a regular "trust" question anymore. Cheating isn't at issue here, you got someone who shows contempt and even hostility to women.
THINK about sex without lube. WHY do you think women produce natural lubrication in their vagina? Because wet spots on the bed are fun? No, to ease skin sliding over skin so people feel pleasure not burns. Anal sex without lube hurts, he wants you to feel pain for his pleasure.
That is your husband, father of your daughter, the man you can't do without.
That is the truth, no keylogger needed.
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