A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last november me n my gf went out for a night out n she got drunk n then started talkin bout past bf's. And then she started saying something about this fling she had with a guy( she had already told me about this n knew it bothered me). Anyway I started asking her who it was she had the fling with n she started avoiding the question n saying it was just some guy. I wanted to ask some advice on whether I should ask her now? I was worried because it has been soo long! or just let it go? My mind is in a mess! She is my first gf. We've been together 1 year and 8 months.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): You shoud just ask her again, if she doesn't tell you, she either can't trust you or she thinks you won't feel the same about her anymore and is ashamed. Or she just doesn't care. Eitherway it would be better to know no matter how much it will hurt. At least you will know reality and not live in a delusion.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Lexilou, I agree that it is best that he push it to the back of his mind. Unfortunately, it is likely to return to the front at some point. From my own experience and reading many questions on this board, it is apparent to me that it always seems to return to the conscious part of the mind again when it is triggered by an event, a conversation or depression. My wife had to blabber her entire sexual history to me right after we started dating and then told me not to discuss it again. It bothered me a lot at first and then I kept it burried for about 26 years. I had my first bout of depression (medical - low testosterone) that I can ever remember having last year and all of it began to bother me again. It was many hours of discussion with my wife (well over a hundred hours I would guess) and discussing it with 2 women on this board that eventually allowed me to understand why she did what she did and to feel sorry for what she went through instead of resenting haw she had behaved after she left her first husband. Discussion, either with one's partner or together with a counselor is the best way to solve this problem in the beginning, or at least when it surfaces again.
BigSis, I agree that it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. The problem is that his girlfriend has awakened the dog and it is no longer sleeping. I don't know why women have to tell their boyfriends about their pasts. Actually, I do know. The 3 women in my past who started to fall in love with me just had to tell. Two of them did it because they felt guilty about their sexual pasts. I'm not sure about the 3rd, as she started to tell me in bits and pieces. I can only assumt that some guys are the same. However, never having dated a guy, I don't really know. :))
I'm sorry lexilou and BigSis. I respect your answers, both on this question and on other answers of yours that I have read, but I don't think that you can fully understand what the feelings are. Some people think that it is the male brain, left over from caveman days. I personally believe that it is upbringing. I know I was indoctrinated by my family that any woman having multiple partners was a slut and not worthy of any good man. Years of that indoctrination are very difficult to overcome. My first wife saw all too much of the way that my family talked about this and other similar subjects, even though we were in our early and middle 20s. My current wife saw it continue when we were in out mid 30s. You don't easily overcome more than a decade (possibly 2 decades) of that kind of teaching.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 The more you know the more it will hurt you. And there is nothing at all to gain from knowing.
This is a Pandora's box. Don't open it, trust me, I have, and there's nothing good inside. And, like Pandora, once you take it out you can never put it back.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Maybe its something she doesnt want you to know about, maybe you know this person, or its someone she really shouldnt have been with as they might be married etc. Let it lie as it could make things worse.
I have something in my past that my husband knows about, but he DOES NOT want to know who it actually involved as he doesnt think he can handle it. He's afraid its a guy he knows too and we still occasionally see or its the guy I was seeing when I met him as he can a bit insecure about him and there is a lot of jealousy between the two of them. He's wrong its a 3rd guy he never even met but as he has asked me to not tell him, I havent. It doesnt even come up in conversation anymore. So if you can push it to the back of your mind then try x
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Very true, Troubled, and I do understand how our poster feels. By rights, she should have never opened her mouth about her past, and it is only natural that he's curious. But I still stick by what I said, and that it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): I agree with the responses so far, but unfortunately, she has already told him enough information to put him in a difficult emotional position. I just don't get the position where a man or woman can start to tell about there past and then the other person is just supposed to shut up and be fine with it, without asking any questions. If people don't want to answer any questions then they should keep their mouths shut in the first place. I went through this situation and it makes it very difficult and hurtful for the person who is just supposed to keep quiet after their partner starts to spill the beans.
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (18 August 2008):
Have you heard these song lyrics?:
What you never know won't hurt you
What you never know won't lie
What you never know won't desert you
What you never know won't say goodbye
AND...
What you never know won't make you cry.
So it's best left alone, trust me, just enjoy eachother, and be happy.
BigSis
xXx
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 You're coming into this relationship all brand new, so you may not appreciate the fact that the vast majority of people in this world carry some past baggage around with them. That being the case, there would be almost no relationships forming these days if people were not capable of letting the past be in the past and just accepting a person for who they are today.
I urge you to do this. Don't try to force a "confession" out of your girl. She's obviously trying to put this behind her and make something of the relationship with you. And frankly, this is a case of, if you win, you lose. Finding out more will just make things worse between the two of you.
So let it go, and enjoy the company of this woman without worrying about who she used to be.
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (18 August 2008):
 If it bothered you why would you want to know more?
Just let the past be the past and move on or it will hurt you more
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