A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered a whole new aspect to my fiancée, I mean, I knew he dabbled once, but several weeks ago, I discovered photos of him dressed as a woman. He responded to an ad online to be "transformed" and went atleast 9 times over the past two years, so it was fairly regular but not ALL the time. For living together and not knowing it was mind blowing. I had also discovered a facebook account for his female persona and a secret email address that he used to talk to people that he had met as his other side. I did discover in those emails that he was looking to experiment with strangers sexually but only as if he were a woman. I also discovered his interest in transsexual women, pornography, and masturbation. After almost breaking things off several times(because of the lying and trying to cheat on me) we've decided to work it out, and even try to incorporate into our sex life. I'm very open minded and was not turned off by his curiosities and fantasies. I feel we have/had a satisfying sex life. He is my only partner i've ever had, and I'm his only long term partner and he didn't have an extensive history. I'm very generous in the bedroom and do not expect anything reciprocated and am usually the initiator, especially as of late. He never seems opposed and appears quite satisfied. He almost always is assertive in trying to make it mutual in one way or another and is not selfish at all. I always felt it was even and well balanced. He's become more open about the alternate sexuality aspect of his life and has expressed to me that his fantasy is to made feel feminine by the most feminine.(make-up, dress, submission) He also told me that he would prefer the sex that we have regularly almost all the time, but to spice things up, he would like to have sex in "reverse" and have me penetrate him while he's dressed and feels like a woman. He later told me he'd like to have dress up days where we can be like "girlfriends" and go out as different people entirely anonymously. I kind of understand that he used the ads and emails and wanted to experiment anonymously because he didn't want me to think he was weird. He has said he holds me to a higher standard than most people. He also says he enjoys being a man and would nit want to be a woman 24/7 or for a long time, but more as an escape and because it's pushing the envelope so much. He had a dysfunctional childhood without his father and did not live with his mother, but being raised by random family members throughout his life and did not feel a true connection with them. He also hit puberty late, but 16 years old isn't anything to be medically concerned about. He is quite intelligent and incredibly handsome. (the first time I saw him, I said to myself looking out at the audience from the stage, 'that is the most attractive man in the room--' who would've thought 2 months later we'd start dating?) I'm working through my trust for him, but it keeps coming up more and more with us. Should I indulge his fantasy? I like intimacy, but I am satisfied with it as it is. I've experimented with anal play with him and we've enjoyed it, but I only did when I was tipsy because I don't really enjoy pain, but I enjoy above all else pleasing him. I took many college courses in Psych and the psych major in me feels like if I indulge he may get increasingly worse, just as his intrigue escalated with his sexuality in general. The other half wants to please him and explore together. I love him very much and want him to stay with this and not stray anymore. He loves me with all his heart as well which is why he is looking to share this with me, which means so much to me. What do you guys think? Should I work it in? Or find an alternative means to quench, stifle, anything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding! I probably am over-analyzing, but everything you've all written has danced across my mind atleast once in the past few weeks. I'm gonna try to address things you guys have said, I'm sorry for the jumbled thoughts!
Outside of this, our relationship is seemingly very healthy and progressing well (we're prepping for our wedding!) and I have expressed that we should have taken a break, but instead set our wedding for a later date.
At first I was blaming myself, then his family, then his fellow cross-dressing-straight-male-online-community, and now I'm feeling it's related to porn, which I only discovered he watched last week.
I don't so much question his gender identity as much as I question what sexually drives him. He does seem comfortable as a man, and is not effeminate (as himself) or dainty-like. I truly feel that in his mind, he rationalized and enjoyed this dissociative feeling he has as his alternate persona. He also told me that the idea that a woman can feel so vulnerable and how sex was so invasive for her was so intriguing to him and as a man, he could never feel that feeling unless he was receiving.
I am a straight woman and I have never really had these kinds of fetish like interests nor been intrigued or aroused by anything but us in our natural state. He has told me that in his CD/TG clique, they told him that he had homosexual tendencies and he often denied it saying that he just found the feminine and softness appealing.
Also working the midnight shift at my ghost town of a job where all I'm left to do is think for 8 hours doesn't exactly help me from not over thinking. It often becomes overwhelming!
I am up for experimenting, but like some of you said, slowly and baby-steps. Putting it that way is helping me accept it some more. I just know that if I do experiment, and I will express this to him, that if I do not enjoy it, I am going to tell him, but would be up for a compromise. It came up so abruptly (all of this since December-- which is when we got engaged too) so it seemed like so much to handle.
I admit, I did get harsh with him and say things to him like, "Is this the man who I want to have children with?" and "what do I tell my kids when they find pictures or your drawer of clothes? are you going to be proud?" and now I want to kick myself for having said that. He knows I don't want to judge him, but with me and I'm sure most people, nothing is quite black-and-white/clear-cut, especially when it's something that makes you question a giant aspect of your life.
I considered moving on to someone else, but I honestly do love him with all of my heart. He is my first love and I do know that he loves me, but does not love or trust himself. He treats me very well and is very sweet to me and aside from this, we are incredibly compatible and perfect for one another-- aside from this! He is becoming very open about it and I am grateful for it because he could just have easily kept on hiding and lying. He knows that for our marriage to work out, we both need to be open and we're growing together (We are both relatively young for this marriage thing!)
Thanks all again! Calmed me down about it to feel I'm not alone in the world!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): I think you're over thinking this thing massively.
You're trying to plan and research this and get other opinions etc etc. Is that how you approach all your sexual activities? You're overloading your mind with what if's, you're absorbing too much information making too many plans and you're getting tied up in knots.
You need to take this slowly, I know he wants lots of things and it's okay for him open up about this and tell you that. But this is all new to you, you're still unsure how comfortable you are with it but instead of slowly trying it out, taking small steps and exploring it. You're trying to cover all the bases and trying figure out whether you'll like it beforehand.
No offence OP, but I think you're being far too analytical in your approach to this. I think you're worrying too much because you're overwhelmed by all the info you're trying to gather. Being a psych student I think this might be your approach to everything. Especially things you're unsure about.
Just let it all go and try some small steps, small things in the bedroom and see if you like it first.
Look it's like trying out a new recipe, you can sit there and read and read and read and ask as many people as possible if it's nice, study the ingredients and try and figure out how well they'll mix together all to figure out whether you'd like it. But as we both know the best way to find that out is to make it and grab a small spoon and try some of it, if you like try more of it. Then try different variations.
This fetish of his is the same, there's no point in sitting trying to figure out whether you like and just try it.
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Sounds like you shouldn't get tied down and marry him, he obviously has unaddressed issues mentally and with his sexual orientation is this someone who you want to raise children with? Is he constantly going to be trying to be dressed as a woman? Is he years down the track going to want to leave to be a transgender it isn't normal for a male regardless of what others say to want to dress like a woman he has issues definitely.
Don't try to pyschoanalyse him yourself move on find someone who has a healthy state of mind and doesn't question his sexuality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPart of me isn't opposed, but another part gets sad thinking about it. I'm not a sexual person or dependent upon other things involved besides him and myself. Ideally we wouldn't need dress up clothes or a strap-on ever atleast for me. Personally, I'm the kind of person who doesn't watch porn, doesn't smoke or curse and enjoys the purities of life. I don't want to say thatvi morally don't feel comfortable because I am sexually active and open minded, but for me, I romanticize us not having to use pornography, toys, stimulants, etc In the bedroom. I fear that we are sexually incompatible. I also worry that maybe I'm just too prudish. I then tell mysellf in my dichotomy that I know my limits and that might be beyond it.
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