A
male
age
,
*yonsdown
writes:My son is 28, and has basically never worked.I'm soooo disappointed in him, I can't begin to say.He hasn't spoken to me in over a year.He doesn't respond to phone calls, emails, texts, or anything.He thinks I belittle him because when I was in contact with him, I'd nag him about getting a job. Any job.I wasn't belittling him.I just think he doesn't like anyone fronting him out on his laziness.His mother is 66, and they have to pay huge rent on their house.I think it's a disgrace he lives off her, when she earns very little (and deserves to be retired, anyway).I've now come into quite a lot of money.I could give him a lump sum, or regular weekly amounts. I don't think I should.Remember, he doesn't talk to me at all.Should I , or should I not, help him out?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 you would be doing him no favors giving him money. He wouldn't thank you for it. At some point he needs to realize that he needs to get on with his own life and not live under his mothers roof. Why not talk to his mother some day? Tell her how you feel, and ask her how she feels. She might be so soft that this is the reason he is not working. Maybe you could help her see that he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 As an adult child who has received her fair share of help from her parents, I strongly urge you NOT to give him any money.
IF he was working and supporting himself and attempting to be an adult, that would be a different story.
Even if he was talking to you and ASKING you for money, if he won't work due to laziness, then I say NO extra money for him.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Why? What has he done but be a lazy bum. I take it you and your wife are separated but on good terms. If it were me and you feel generous enough why not give a little something special to her and do what ever it is that makes you happy with the rest. 28 and never worked, that is not an attitude worthy of feeling obligated to pave his way. If doing something for him is really something you WANT to do perhaps you could offer to pay for the cost of some further training or education course to help motivate him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2016):
 If you WANT to help, help out his mother instead, but I wouldn't give her money either, as he probably will get his hands on it.
Gift cards to the grocery store or something like that.
However, giving HIM any money will just enable him to continue his lazy bum life.
And honestly if he refuses to talk to you, why should you cater to him with money?
Enjoy then money, take a vacation, save some for a rainy day.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 March 2016):
Do not give him a single dime. For one, things that are given are really never appreciated. More importantly, you will be creating a dependent cripple out of him. The only way to learn responsibility is to be responsible for something, even if its just yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2016):
 I guess it depends on the source and the intention of the will of the person who bequeathed the money you are referring to in this particular question.....
I did read your previous question, and I agree that the money you’ve earned with your own effort and personal industry should be yours to decide to do with what you wish.
The way you posted the question, “I’ve now come into quite a lot of money.” suggests that this was a bequest of some type. As in, it’s from another source, besides your own personal industry.
If you are opposed to people accepting money they didn’t earn then perhaps you will need to find another home for the bequest you’ve just received, just to keep to your own stated principles.
There are attorneys who can help you create trusts.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 March 2016):
 And consider that he's been like this for years. Why should he ever even try to be responsible when he is allowed carte blanche to do as he pleases? I read your previous question about your son and I can see he has been a source of concern for some time.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 March 2016):
All you will be doing for this adult man is enable him to live a little longer with his Mom and without exercising any responsibility on his part.
Personally I think it would be depressing to still be tied to the apron strings for an adult aged 28 years. But I cannot guess how he actually feels about the situation. Though his choice to continuing to living with his mother suggests that he is getting his needs met to a satisfactory level. If he was not satisfied then he would no doubt find a place of his own. But then he might have to find a job and fund his own lifestyle and that does not seem to be one of his priorities.
You can enjoy your money, do some things you have always wanted to do and invest the rest, in your name. You cannot yet know what additional expenses you will have in the future if you end up needing medical help or need other support in 20 or 30 years time. And do not go telling all and sundry about the money or you will suddenly acquire all manner of new "friends" who need a permanent loan of your money.
Your son still has many decades still to live and to find work and learn to balance a budget and earn a regular income and save some money.
He is over 21 and he is an adult. He is responsible for himself and from all accounts he is good at being selfish.
Giving him a hand out will teach him nothing and when it runs out he will turn up at your door step asking for more.
If you made a Will you can even include some conditions such Leaving your assets to any grandchildren provided they reach the age of 25 years and failing that, whatever cannot be distributed to grandchildren can be left instead to a charity.
Even if he manages to get a hand-out it is doubtful that he will have a cent left of that money in 12 months time. Don't offer advice as he clearly is not listening.
Stop wondering and worrying about an adult man who respects neither his long suffering mother nor his ever hopeful father.
He will only start to consider becoming an adult man when his back is against the wall and he has to start taking more responsibility.
Sadly he may never have to grow up if his mother also keeps on meeting all his needs as if he is a helpless little boy. It is her choice to keep on trying to look after all his needs though he may not be grateful for all her care.
He fails to communicate with you, and from all accounts he is not interested in any advice you may want to share with him.
His lack of empathy towards you means that he ought to have no expectations that you will bail him out with funds for him to spend.
Some life lessons need to be learned and it is time he tried to address this situation.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Nope. If Daddy isn't good enough to talk to then he isn't good enough to take money from.
Don't mention work or anything else you think he should be doing. It's just broken record stuff. He has the right to live his own life...and to pay for it himself.
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