A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm just feeling so ashamed and confused and I'm hoping someone can help me know whether or not I could have legal rights when it comes to a certain situation:Approximately 1 month ago, on Facebook, I heard from a guy whom I had dated nearly 11 years ago. He and I had lived and worked near each other and we had had a special relationship, but I wound up needing to move far away and maintaining our relationship was just going to be too difficult at the time. When he found me, recently, within HOURS of contacting me, he started saying that he had always loved me and missed me - and that he had been trying to locate me, but could not because I had moved several times. He said that he was six-months divorced. Even though we were still far apart (him in NY and me in NC) he said that he would love to see me "someday soon" and that he had relatives down here he had been meaning to visit anyway. So, all of this made me very happy since this was a man for whom I had always kept feelings. I felt it may be "meant to be" that he found me after all these years. Still, I tried to be cautious and question him about how he could still love me, etc., after all this time. I told him that I had been hurt badly in the past and that I had trust issues I was still working on. But, he was just so convincing and adamant about his feelings. It was as if we hadn't been apart all that time. He was texting me and calling me nearly every day and night, too, as if we were an "item." Again, I was very happy and hoping to see him in the near future.So...here's where it gets bad. He started sending me some cellphone pictures of himself - nothing bad, just "normal" photos of him smiling, etc. - and he wanted me to send some pictures back. However, when I sent "normal" pictures back to him, he started asking - almost immediately - for "sexier" pictures. I couldn't believe it. It began to feel paranoid that he may have just been saying all of that sweet stuff to get to a final result of getting dirty pictures from me. But I "knew him," I thought. No way would he do that. Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I did send him a couple of "sexy" pics. I really couldn't believe he'd be preying on me like that. But, sure enough, as soon as he got the pictures he kept bugging me for, he stopped texting me every night - he stopped with the "I love you"'s. He would disappear for days - no communication. I tried to get him to explain himself and I told him how much I needed to be reassured that he had not just used me for those pictures - but, he treated me as if I were crazy or something for feeling "wronged." He was like a different person. It was just a very horrible and demeaning thing for him to do and I can't understand how someone could/would do that to someone else.I soon found out that he is actually not "technically" divorced, yet. In fact, his ex and he are going to court, soon, to finalize their divorce and custody rights to their kids. I understand his ex could use his actions with me against him in court. Should I help her? I just feel like there should be repercussions for conning me so badly. He also sent me dirty messages - very explicit - that I did not return - and the topper is that he sent a picture of his *ahem* hoohah with out my requesting it at all. Disgusting. What should I do? I want this man to be held accountable for his disgusting actions. I know I was naive - but does that give him the right to cause such emotional distress and get away with it? I have records of everything. Doesn't his ex have rights to these records to help her in court? Thanks for any help out there.
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divorce, facebook, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Walk away...just remember he has photos of you etc. and can use them against you. I would be very careful what you do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYikes...and sorry for my terrible grammar in that response! I'm an upcoming English major, too! :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your advice and well-wishes. It's been very helpful. I think I'm just going to walk away and truly learn my lesson. As for the pics...I guess I just won't run for office anytime soon. There's no way of knowing where they've wound up. I never did that before - always a "goody-goody" - so I think I was just feeling rebellious. Plus, I wanted to believe in the best in this guy.
An disturbing update: I just found out that this his soon-to-be-ex actually has her 10-yr-old daughter log on to HIS Facebook page (when the daughter is visiting him - I guess their living apart) and pretend to be him to other women on there so that she can report back to her mom on who he is flirting with, etc. Isn't that sick? I mean, what's the matter with people, to use a child in such a way?
So, it doesn't sound like the ex is much of a prize, herself, in the parenting department. I truly feel sorry for that little girl - and they have a younger daughter as well. I wish that I could them, but I know that Child Services wouldn't do anything. A child has to be literally beaten to a pulp in this day and age before that organization has the authority to step in. It's really sad.
So...I know I acted naive. I know I just wanted a man for whom I used to carry a torch to tell me that I was attractive and that he loved me...yadda, yadda...all the things a woman wants to hear. I bought into it - hook, line, and sinker. My dad died from cancer, right around the holidays, a few years ago, and I get a little down this time of year, missing him. Having this guy come out of nowhere and start lavishing me with praise was uplifting, at first. What's worse is that he knew about my dad - he knew I was feeling down and was vulnerable.
I actually don't want revenge. I want to prevent another young woman from becoming victimized by him again. But, I don't know how to get in touch with his wife. So, that's that.
Again, thanks for all of your help out there. Happy Holiday, everyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I never, ever, ever suggest calling a guys ex or current partner. But in this case, well that woman needs all the help she can get to dump this rat.
If you can find her telephone number or address, I would just send her a quick note to say that I'm a friend and I heard she was looking for something to help her get a divorce. Leave it at that. If she needs help from you then she'll get in touch.
I don't agree with bothering other women with signs that the guy they know is a jerk, but in your case, this guy deserves whatever his ex wife can give to him. He's a nasty piece of work. Please think of her feelings, the aim is to help, not to hurt her and her children any more. Forget about revenge, if it's revenge you want then just walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): This isn't just about getting even with the ex. There are children involved and are you doing it because he is a danger to them or because you are bitter for what he did to you. Men are pigs, don't send pictures of yourself next time just because because they ask, thats what they want and in the end you still chose to to it.
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