A
female
age
30-35,
*alisa2012
writes:My fiance of 2 years has an annoying habit. We otherwise have got a great relationship going and he tells me all the time that he loves me. He does things for me without my asking, and is very sweet. But this habit of his is discussing his ex girlfriends. He keeps telling me stories about their times together, and a few times has given TMI. I finally had it out with him, pointing out that I felt that he was undermining our relationship by constantly harping back to the past. I realized that it isn't so much that I mind him talking about them, what annoys me is that he doesn't seem to have moved on. I finally told him that if I could hear what he has learned from those liaisons, instead of just recounting the same stories over and over, I wouldn't be as irritated. He makes these women sound like such wonderful people, and yet they broke up. We had several arguments about it and he promised not to discuss them anymore. But then the other night we learned that one of his ex girlfriends had died of cancer. I said that if he wanted to talk about her, I wouldn't mind. But instead he started talking about the same things that I had asked him not to. Finally I asked him if he were still in love with any of them. He said that he wasn't. But finally he admitted that he didn't feel closure, and that one or two of the breakups had been painful and he had never gotten over them. Should I help him find closure?
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female
reader, Kalisa2012 +, writes (3 November 2012):
Kalisa2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is an update. We got married about two months ago, first of all. Second, he has stopped talking about those ex girlfriends. And third, he said something to me the other night that warmed my heart. That I was above and beyond all those other women! it was so nice to hear this, finally. I guess when he kept going on about them, I got the impression that he was comparing me to them and that I was not coming out favorably. Thanks for the wise answers!
A
female
reader, Kalisa2012 +, writes (13 July 2012):
Kalisa2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies! He has also admitted that he kept emails from them even though it has been a very long time since he has seen these women. I feel like this is getting too big for me. To the first response, I have let him talk about this for over a year. I thought it might give me insight into him by knowing why the breakups occurred. But he isn't getting any healing from it as far as I can see. My allowing him to talk just fuels his desire to stay stuck in the past. He even invites me to talk about my exes, but I have no burning desire to do so. He says that it is just reminiscing, and to be honest he talks about other things too. I just get uncomfortable when he shares sexual things. I really don't want to know. To the second response, that sounds like a good idea. First I have to see if he actually wants to move on. Because I feel like I am sharing my life and my bed with ghosts of the past!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): I don't think it's your job to help him find closure, this is his own personal baggage. But obviously it's in your best interest that he find closure and soon since it's affecting the relationship with you.
I think the best way for you to help him, would be to allow him to talk all he wants and not try to silence him. His unresolved feelings towards his ex's are there, whether you like it or not. Be glad that he's talking with YOU about this, not keeping secrets from you.
if his ruminating about them becomes excessive though (and maybe it already is, hence your present frustration?) then you should suggest to him that he see a counselor to help work out his thoughts and feelings in a more productive way.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 By all means, it seems like the only way to break this pattern. Tell him to sit down and write each of them a letter, telling them how angry he is about the way things ended; or the fact that he never got to say his side of the story during the break up. Feel free to help him construct his thoughts (without judgement) as long as his letter doesn't turn into 101 things I miss about you. Then he can put them in an envelope and mail it off, or store it in a box. Maybe purging it off his mind will help him close the door once in for all. Good luck.
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