A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my bf for 3 months now. I feel like everything is great. Iv been bursting to tell him i loved him, but wanted to wait until he said it first.The other day i just said it and he said it back. Now i worry that he doesnt actually love me but felt pressured to say it back.I chatted to him about it and he said he has been meaning to say it for a long time, but built it up in his head to be a huge deal. He then said he wasnt sure he has ever been in love before (even though he has had a 4 year relationship) and he said saying it is a huge deal for him.He said he definitelt feels like he loves me (but didnt sound too sure)Im unsure why hes making such a big deal of it? Should i have waited until he said it? We havnt said it again since, even though iv wanted to... i just feel confused! Hope this makes sense! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Three months really is not a huge long time so try and not panic about these things just yet. If you feel that you love him and wanted to say it to him that is fine, but you are both still in the early stages so just take things slow.
Don't be worried, even if he did just say it to please you, actions speak louder than words, if he shows love towards you then that should be enough, don't focus on words.
If he was in a four year relationship and he is telling you he has never been in love, yet he is with you after three months then I would be careful. If it is a big deal for him saying it then maybe leave it for now and see if he tells you himself that he loves you. If he is not ready he might just not want to upset you. So I would hold back on the declarations of love for the moment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): It sounds like he genuinely meant it if he followed up by explaining that he takes it seriously and didn't even say it at all in his last serious relationship.
However, I do find it odd that he didn't say it in a 4 year relationship, that sets off some alarm bells in my head-- is this guy a commitment phobe? Why would he stay for 4 years if he didn't love his ex? It seems like he does have issues of some kind to be in a situation like that. I don't think it was fair of him to stay with a woman for 4 years whom he didn't feel he loved. He should have been honest with her sooner. With that in mind, I would proceed VERY cautiously. He seems to not really know what love is, and not be an emotional person either (because emotional people can't live in a frigid relationship like that).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): My dear, it takes much more than three months to know a person; let alone love him!
There is a big problem nowadays with people anxious to get confirmation and proof of another person's feelings for them. Especially young people, who need everything yesterday. An "every-thing in an instant" society is driven to rush and push for immediate-gratification. All wisdom and good judgement gets brushed aside. He can tell you he loves you, and not mean one letter in the word.
People will tell you what you want to hear if you push them; or if they think it will gain them some sort of advantage over you. What do you know about his past and his background? Saying it too soon leaves too much room for undiscovered details or hodden-surprises.
For the most part, people with deep insecurities don't take notice of the actions demonstrated right before their very eyes. They are dying to hear the words, only not to believe it. Then starts the cycle of demanding to be told how much they're loved and the demand for constant reassurance. Only to be followed-up by total disbelief.
Why did I say all this?
Actions speak louder than words. If you're too anxious to hear the words, you're not paying attention to his actions. You're catering to your insecurities! You want to hear it too badly. Insecurity isn't allowing you to believe it could be possible unless you're told so immediately.
Your arch-enemy can mouth the words "I love you." Those words mean nothing without solid indisputable evidence. Saying so doesn't prove it. Time and familiarity gives it more credibility.
Give him time to know you, and establish mentally and emotionally how he does feel about you. Then when the words are said aloud; hopefully enough proof has been unloaded on you that you knew it long before you heard it. Maybe in another 3 months it may wear-off. You're caught-up in the moment.
Feeling good about, and being with, a person isn't necessarily love. Love requires quite a bit of time and activity between two people before such a connection is truly established. You can be crazy about each other from the start; but love takes it's time. It has to be nurtured with trust, and a good sense of understanding must created between hearts. Three months won't cut it!
If you get ahead of love before the feelings are sufficiently substantiated and well-connected mutually; it may be found one isn't as into it as the other.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (28 January 2018):
Words are cheap and often motivated by other factors such as pressure, politics and so on. Whether he loves you or not, he probably wouldn't have said it the first time had you not done so first. So that one is fairly meaningless.
Actions speak louder than words. So look to how he treats you. Tell him you love him but hold back on frequency until he starts telling you he loves you without you provoking him to do so.
It is difficult to put a time frame on when love happens. We've all known or at least heard of couples who married after only after a few weeks of courtship and lived happily ever after. That's rare, of course. And love often never happens although the two people end up getting married, anyway. Don't be one of those.
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A
female
reader, RaineL123 +, writes (28 January 2018):
Practically speaking, it’s too late-you’ve already said it, so try not to worry about that part anymore.
Going forward don’t bring it up again no matter how much you want to talk about it or ask questions. Let him bring it up when he’s ready. This will give him space and also time to think about how he feels. And it’ll also make you feel better if he brings it up next, then you won’t question his true feelings.
In the meantime, as N91 says, proceed carefully now. Three months IS a short time so don’t rush. It’s a bad sign that you’re worrying this much about it, so really take a deep breath, take a step back and just go back to enjoying the day to day. Work on strengthening bonds one day at a time by just having fun and being happy together. No stress, no pressure.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 January 2018):
 Firstly, I don't really think you can be in love with another person after 3 months. Unless you've known him for years and only just got together then you barely know the guy let's be honest.
How long is a long time? 3 months is already an extremely short amount to time to be saying something like that so he's fell 'in love' after one month? Two? I'm always wary of posts like this where people say they're in love after short periods of time, it just doesn't make any sense to me, I know couples that didn't say they love each other until 1year+ and even to me I think that's still not a great deal of time.
I'd proceed carefully with this, it seems to be going at a very high intensity and those relationships have the potential to burn out very quickly. Most males take quite a while to form deep feelings for partners, so to be 'in love' this soon raises red flags to me.
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