A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused. My understanding of being on the phone with someone is to have an active conversation. That each party should be holding on to the phone (or have on ear phones) and giving undivided attention to the person on the other line. Why is it that each time my boyfriend and I are on the phone, he does a million other things rather than talk to me. I've actually timed it to where we only actively talk for one to two minutes, then he HAS TO do something else while I'm still on the phone listening to his background noise. He considers that still "talking" to me. I've suggested many times to just end the call if he has to do something and we'll reconnect later, but he insists that I stay on the phone. This is really bothering me, to the point where I've hung up on him a few times.Many times I'm talking and asking him questions and his responses either are vague or doesn't make sense. Examples are: one time I was telling him about something that happened at work because he had asked me about it. As I was talking, I heard him talk to his mom and his aunt, ignoring what I had to say. I asked him why he wasn't listening and he said he just remembered he had to ask his mom something so walked out to the living room to talk to her. Their conversation lasted a good 10 minutes. So I said, but I was talking to you, why couldn't you wait til I was finished or asked me to hold on? He said he thought it was a quick question and he was still listening to me. But of course when asked to repeat what I said, he couldn't.Another example is I was at the grocery store picking up groceries to make dinner for his family and was asking if I should get this/that.. his response was vague and he kept saying "too much work, don't bother".. I kept saying what do you mean? We had planned this, and he was like OK whatever then. I heard his "multi-tasking" tone and asked if he was doing somethibg else, which he confessed to surfing the internet. I was again upset, we are talking on the phobe, why does he decide to multi task and actually think he can handle it? Cuz clearly he wasn't listening to anything I asked and everything seemed too much work cuz all he was focused on was his computer. I feel like I'm constantly educating an elementary school student to sit, listen, and pay attention.I'm so stressed I can't deal with this anymore!! I'm not like him at all - when I receive a phone call, I stop what I'n doing and listen and talk!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 Honestly a lot of relationships have there own little pet hates. I doubt he means to be rude or disrespectful it seems he just has a short attention span. If this is the case, don't try and educate him, he is not a child. Simply stop having phone calls. Talk to him tell him how much it annoys you when he rings and then doesn't pay attention and simply say no more phone calls.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 January 2018):
 So just stick to making the phone conversations short and sweet, if he wants to talk about his car or whatnot, tell him you can't wait to hear it in person.
My husband recently went out of state and decided that having me on speaker phone to chat to while driving was making the 6 hours drive less boring however... I also know that multitasking is not his strong suit so I told him to CALL me when he took a rest (pulled over for food or gas) or when he got to his destination. Because I didn't want him distracted while driving. And quite frankly nothing he had to say was "important" to a point where I though him driving and chatting was a good idea.
So just try and cut the conversations short ESPECIALLY if he seems to "drift" off doing other things and not paying attention.
While you can't really teach him to BE how you want him to be, you can "train" (I hate that word in this situation but it fits the best) him to not stay on the phone when he RATHER do other things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Hello I'm the OP here.
My boyfriend is the one that calls me most of the time. I don't usually initiate the calls. However, if it's important, like for example he was out late last night and didn't realize his baby nephew went to the hospital and had to stay over night. I called him this morning at 10am to let him know and that we need to go to the hospital later to visit.
I don't usually talk about myself and even when telling him my problems it's short and brief. When he is telling me his problems, usually related to his car, he can talk for a long time and stay focused.. that's probably the only time he can stay focused.
I don't mind him multi tasking if he can actually multi task.. but the thing is he can't. I can type out a whole essay while on an active conversation with him and he wouldn't even know what I'm doing, but he can't. And just because I can, I don't do it because I see that as very disrespectful.
Wiseowl, the reason I didn't mention anything good about my boyfriend is there is nothing happy/good about this situation because its very frustrating. However, in the post I mention us preparing a meal for his family, that is good and something we have both enjoyed doing for our families.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Please forgive my errors and typos.
[EDIT]:
"No one likes to hear a constant stream of gossip, complaints, or lengthy stories of doom and gloom."
"If you're one complaint after another, or if you go on and on, especially talking to a hyperactive-person with ADHD."
"I'm only guessing; but maybe he also knows if he doesn't engage you then and there, you're only going to pout and fight about that too."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Know what? I think your boyfriend is tuning-out on you. I think you bore him over the phone. Apart from the fact he has horrendous manners and seems pretty disrespectful.
If you're a chatty talkative-person, or tend to vent a lot; people get tired of your complaints. It starts to sound like blah-blah-blah-wah-wlah like adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons. No one likes to hear a constant stream of gossip, complaints, or lengthy stories doom and gloom. One of my good friends never gets to the point of his story; he gets your curiosity spiked; but goes off on a complete tangent!
Twenty minutes later, he's still on the same story!
Sometimes a very monotone voice can be annoying over the phone, and your ear will naturally tune-out. There are so many factors and reasons; but I think your relationship is dying. He's only pretending to listen, but would rather not hear from you when he's not there.
Your conversation may be interesting and important to you; but a captive-audience isn't a willing and receptive audience. If you're one complaint after another, or if you go on and on, especially talking to a hyperactive-person with a ADHD. You will lose your mind trying to keep their attention. They are all over the place and their mind is wandering the whole time!
If he's fidgeting and you hear a lot of activity in the background, tell him you'll talk to him later. Save it for a one-on-one conversation when you know you have his undivided attention. Provided he cares to listen to you. Ever!
I suspect you two argue a lot, you complain a lot, and your voice has become an irritant to him. I'm not dismissing your post, nor your concerns. You're totally legit.
It sounds like your boyfriend has a short attention-span; but mostly tunes you out, because he finds you annoying. If you call him on his down-time or me-time, you are intruding on his time. I'm only guessing; but maybe he also knows if he doesn't engage you then and there, you're only going pout and fight about that too.
I think communication between you and your boyfriend is just really not linked as it should be. I honestly don't think it would matter whether it was in-person or over the phone.
He's just not interested in what you have to say, and the relationship is just burdensome to him. He stays in it because breaking-up will be the drama of the century; and some guys think it's just cheaper to keep her.
By the way, you didn't say one nice thing about him in all your post. So I don't think there's much happiness going on either-way.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 January 2018):
Are most of these conversations about you? I have a friend who likes to talk with me on the phone forever. After the introductory question of how I've been (which is about a 10-second answer) the topic turns to what is going on in her life...most stuff that I'm not interested in and about people I've never met. It is more like she is talking to herself. She seems to really get started at about the 60- to 90-minute mark and I finally tell her I have to go.
Either make the conversations more interesting than what he's finding on the internet or make them shorter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Oh my god, my sister is the exact same way, except the worst part is that SHE calls ME! I just tell her uh let’s talk later and hang up (we’re close so it’s ok).
So I think some people are AWFUL on the phone, and I think they might be completely clueless about their awfulness, it’s not on purpose.
That doesn’t mean too bad so sad you. First of all, is this your primary way of communicating with him? If so just talk to him about it, explain what you need/want and be VERY specific with instructions. Tell him when you’re on the phone with him you feel like you’re not prioritized and it hurts your feelings, and what he can do to help make you feel better is to set aside X amount of time to find a quiet corner with no distractions (away from family, tv, etc) to talk. Whatever it is you specifically feel and need.
Then find out what’s going on on his end. Is it hard to focus? Does he not enjoy phone time? I think there are some people who don’t enjoy it or at best they want to maximize productivity while on the phone...
If on his end he doesn’t have some sinister reason for being like this then you might have to accept he’s a bad phone person. If he really tries and can’t help it and you want to be with him, you might just have to let it go for your own peace of mind. But with balance and compromise he should work on what is a better way to communicate with you, like in lieu of phone calls, he can come see you in person to talk, etc.
So I feel you and get it, but talk to him about him and see what compromise you can reach. Really get him to see how this makes you feel. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2018):
I think this is getting to be the "norm" for many people your age group. (and I mean no offense towards your generations but a statement of fact).
My advice? Instead of asking him should I call later? You say talk to you later and hang up.
"I've suggested many times to just end the call if he has to do something and we'll reconnect later, but he insists that I stay on the phone."
I am like you, if I get a phone call I focus on that (unless I'm driving or a place I can't pick up then you go to voicemail.) Even when I get the 1 1/2 calls from my dad which is USUALLY a repeat of last weeks conversation but I still focus on that - not 10 other things.
I think of you start doing that he will either realize hey wait a minute why is she doing that and ask you OR he won't and then you will know that he really doesn't GIVE a flying F about it or the conversation.
Make the phone calls SHORT and sweet.
And decide is the topic I'M talking about important or can it wait until we are IN PERSON?
I know my husband sometimes calls and complains about stuff at work ON HIS way home... and then I have to hear the SAME story when he gets home... Doesn't get more exciting, you know?!
So for the next MONTH - try short and sweet phone calls. Anything else, TALK to him about that IN PERSON.
See how that goes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Stop calling him. He's not a phone person. Just accept it. Send him texts instead and refuse to talk to him on the phone. Just stop doing it as it is very annoying and will only cause you to break up with him as you will grow intensely tired of this. So stop doing it! Text him instead. And then talk to him in person, not on the phone. Accept that he is not a phone person.
You CAN NOT change someone. How many times do we have to tell this to people? You can not TEACH him to pay attention to you on the phone. So stop trying. It will never happen. He is the way he is, this is normal for him, this is what makes sense to him. So ether accept it and adjust to it, or end the relationship.
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