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age
36-40,
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writes: I have been seeing a 29 yr old guy for about a month. When he moved here to Boston from NYC for an 8 month freelance job, his girlfriend of 2 yrs broke up with him because of the distance, although "she would feel more comfortable with it if they were married." He does not know if he is ready to get married; he very much dislikes the social pressure to settle down because it is the right age, and not the right girl. He and I met at a bar and really hit it off. We saw eachother almost everyday, and spoke often. The sex was great, and our connection is really sommething phenomena. Anyway, His ex girlfriend has come into Boston for the long holiday weekend in order to see if they can work things out, but with the marriage ultimatum still in the air (I think). When he told me about her trip, I was saddened, but immediatly put on a game face and suggested activities and things for him to do with her around town. He asked "Who's side are you on? Why are you doing this?" I told him that since I have nothing on a girl of two years, that I cant compare even in the slightest, that I knew I was going to lose to her, so I might as well try and be a friend to him and help him have a good time with her. We went out with friends to Gay Nite (just for kicks) one time after this conversation, before his ex came into town, and it was grand. I called to say I appreciated him supporting me supporting my gay friend. I tried to see him the next evening to talk one more time before his ex came into town, but he was out with other friends and "feeling ill." I wished him well and only sent him a message this morning (Saturday) giving him the scoop on a Little Italy fest he might like to go to with the ex. I even gave directions. Question: am I being too self defeated? Should I have put up more of a fight? I dont know what to do! Do I even have a chance?
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female
reader, alice209  +, writes (31 August 2008):
hey!I know what it's like to feel in the shadow of an ex. When I met my last boyfriend, he'd been engaged to his previous girlfriend. But she'd dumped him. It is hard because you feel like the guy has already found 'the one' so who are you right?!Men are fickle creatures, if there's one thing I've learnt it is undoubtably apparent he will still have feelings for her, but! She dumped him. If he thought their relationship was going well, she sure as hell slapped him in the face! So he'll be doubting her commitment too. Plus, she's clearly pressuring him to marry her. A) he's obviously not in a place to commit or he would have bent like elastic for her B) by pressuring him to do something he's not comfortable with, she'll have pushed him away and C) if he's not THAT committed to her, she may not be 'the one'. Everything happens for a reason and yeah he will want to see her, he's spent a lot of time with her and won't wanna bring bad blood, but there's no need to push him towards her. He's probably thinking, 'what the hell?! I thought this girl liked me!'My best advice, you seem to know of some great stuff going on, invite him to something... With you! Not his ex. Have a drink, flirt. Don't apologize or talk about why you thought you should help him see his ex. If he brings it up, laugh it off, say something like 'just thought it'd be nice for you to show her the city'. It is important you show him you're still interested, because he may be thinking you're not that fussed because you were trying to push him towards her. You haven't given up, you haven't done anything silly, it's completely natural the way you feel. All women have that little insecure school girl in them... Just don't let her win all the time :-) hope that helps x
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