A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been with a guy for about 8 months now-since the end of August. Things were really good until one day in January, I called him on a Friday to see if we were going out like planned. He had told me he needed that weekend to think and then on that Monday we had a long talk and he said he didn't feel anything and we decided to be friends. That exact same night, he shows up at my house in tears about how he had made a mistake and was just afraid-that he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend his life with me. After that, things were really smooth for a while. However, the week or so before that fateful night, he had become distant, a little less perky than he normally had been. I was going through depression for a while and some episodes had sparked back up then and i assumed that's what was bothering him. Allow me to explain our relationship: He's very cuddly and the biggest sweetheart ever. He would always make a note to tell me he loved me and make really romantic remarks. He's always been friendly, supportive, helpful and we could generally find things to talk about. Overall, we have/had a VERY strong relationshipsWell we haven't had sex yet. A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned it but he became too nervous and said that it had to "feel right" and that he was afraid it'd change things-which made me paranoid for the following week that he didn't feel comfortable around me and that he was uncertain of our relationship to think that something like sex would affect it. Last Thursday evening, I finally brought this up to him and very sincerely he assured me it had nothing to do with that and that "feeling right" meant him lacking nervousness and that "changing things" meant physically changing as in pregnancy risks and such (which sounds strange to me) We had our usual professions of love for one another, he held me and treated me as he always had. Friday, he was eager for me to go over to his house once he got home from work...of course I did this and everything was decent, but he was slightly more apathetic. Saturday, however, he became very "blah" and said he was just stressed about work and such. He still offered cuddling and "I love you"s and on Sunday...it was kind of the same. He still seemed very indifference to everything...very disinterested. I had been the only one to say "I love you. Yesterday, I have class late so we usually only talk on the phone. Normally he would call me around 8-8:30. He called me at 9, had very little to say and just seemed very bland. I brought this up to him and explained that it was bothering me. He just kept saying he felt fine and didn't understand. We didn't talk long but normally we hang out tues/thurs but he said he wasn't sure if he was doing something with his friend but mentioned that he just might've been mentally exhausted because he hadn't had a day to himself since last monday...so I told him he could relax today by himself if he wanted. Usually HE said "i love you" after I said "good night" he didn't do this..so I did and of course he responded with "I love you too" Well tonight, he called around 9 again, and at first he SEEMED a bit cheerier but for some reason, we lost signal on our phones. He called me back and was back to his bland self. I explained that he wasn't acting like himself..that he seemed apathetic. He agreed that he kind of was feeling apathetic but didn't get why I was bothered. That, and he seemed VERY disinterested in everything I was saying after that point. He didn't seem eager to get off of the phone, but he seemed very bored and bleh. I asked if I wasn't entertaining him or something and he just said "you're fine. I'm sorry if I'm not entertaining YOU" in kind of a sarcastic, irritated tone. Anywho, he had to work early so we were going to go to bed, but the part that finally got me to come here was when I said good night and such, I waited a second for his "I love you"...and again, it was just a long pause until I said it. he's acting even MORE distant over these past few days than he was that week when he was questioning our relationship. THAT is what has me most bothered. His personality is similiar to that time. Am I doing something wrong? Should I have let the "sex" thing go? Perhaps I'm just being pesky by telling him that it's bothering me or perhaps I'm just overreacting. Something seems off and either he doesn't see it or just doesn't want to talk about it. Is he losing interest in me?? I'm really lost and upset right now. What could possibly be going on?
View related questions:
spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DearSteve  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 In an ideal world, we’d have an invisible force field that would keep our special relationships and the more mundane daily inconveniences like work separate, but we don’t live in an ideal world. You mention quite a bit throughout your letter that his excuse for being ‘off’ with you is stress at work, and that may well be where the story ends. What makes this situation worse is your earlier conversation about sex. You’re looking out for a reaction from him, any reaction that would indicate his thoughts and feelings towards this subject, and you’re finding them in these latest series of telephone calls, convincing yourself that he’s losing interest. In other words, you’re putting two and two together and making five an acceptable outcome. You’re lucky to have found a man who is so open about his feelings, so ready to share his emotions with you, so trust that if there was a problem, he’d tell you. For now, talk to him about his work, about his day; pay him some attention. Remember, you’re a team - his problems are your problems. Ask him if he is losing interest, but don’t accuse him – he’ll just clam right up and go on the defensive. Talk adult to adult, boyfriend to girlfriend. Communication is the only problem and only solution I can see in this situation. Good luck.
|
