A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I met my now ex-girlfriend this past December, and to tell you the truth, she was not that bad at first. However, in January she developed a stomach ulcer due to stress in college academics, which I don't get because they were easy engineering courses, and so she fell ill. Once she fell ill, I had devoted myself to giving her my complete love. To give you an understanding, it was to the point that she even said she had never felt that love in her entire life. For her, it was her first time saying "I love you" to someone, because she was a person who did not believe in saying “I love you” till she found the perfect match. I sent her flowers, cards, gifts, all just because. On Valentine's day she was walking to one of her classes and I was waiting right outside with a big bouquet of flowers, a letter, and I sang her a song in public. I was there when she was awake at 2:30 am due to her stomach pain. I was there when she failed her exams and she couldn’t pick herself up. I was there to encourage her and make her aware of the great person she was. I was there to always make her feel beautiful and not make you feel like a piece of crap like other guys have. I was there when she needed someone to talk to about her family issues, about her parents wanting a divorce, and her health and everything else bothering her. I always asked how she felt, if you took she meds. One day she needed to register for classes, I spent all night working on chem engr homework and yet I still came over to my dorm room slept for 10 minutes when i could have slept for 30 minutes but I did her that favor. I always asked to walk her to your room at night, when she stayed late at the library. I was there when she were sad and wanted to go on a walk. I always was excited to see her and even took the time to dress nicely just because it was her. I gave her love, and made her smile all the time. I was there whenever she needed me, no if ands or buts. I always took the time to put her in front of my schedule and make her my number one priority. I never laid a hand on her and never acted inappropriately, unlike others in her past. I always took the time to give her advice about life. I would sit there and help her on her coursework. I pretty much did as much as I could just to see her happy. The thing about her is that she was insecure, negative, and quite apathetic. She is an avid cyclist, however that is what her determination is mainly focused on. When it comes to academics, she often sits there studying alone because she lacked friends, so I would make it a priority of mine to go accompany her. There were times where she would give up, and I would make every effort to get her to continue. One night, her computer died, and well I ended up walking her to a 24 hr computer lab at 3 in the morning (in 0 degree weather and without a jacket since I lent her my big north face jacket cause she had no jacket) on campus because I did not want her to give up and not do an important engineering assignment. I would make her feel beautiful, I would write poems on the trees in the woods just west of campus, and I would take her there to read them. I loved making her feel happy, making her feel beautiful and special because I wanted her to have that. She improved her person, and became more determined and focused on her school work, and it was all due to me helping her- she even acknowledged it. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, she would find me. If she needed to talk about anything, I would be there for her. I made her my priority because I loved her. However, 4 months into the relationship, she had become sexually active with me. Due to my religion, I had made it explicitly clear from the start of the relationship that I would not have sex until marriage. But she forced herself on me many times, and asked me to do things like oral sex and just regular sex. I ended up giving up my religious beliefs just to be able to live with myself and be able to gratify her. Oral sex was not the most pleasant, not to someone who doesn't even shave her vagina nor does extreme through cleaning. I did that for her because although I may not have liked it I wanted to pleasure her. However, I started to note her selfishness. She would never reciprocate. I was determined not to have regular intercourse with her by lying to her that there were no condoms that fit me, which is just bogus but she bought it. However, she said she was on birth control and then forced herself onto me, and turned out she wasn’t. This happened twice, and so I was placed in a position where I freaked out about her becoming pregnant. The first account was during final exam week when I made it perfectly clear that if she wanted to stay the night at my dorm that there would be no touching. 5 am comes by and there she was pouncing on me. Then about a month ago, when we were done she brought me over to her house to give me back some stuff but she ended up having sex on her parent’s living room floor. I feel disgusted in myself for even allowing that to happen. Both times I told her I had no protection, and she lied about her being on birth control.Then this relationship went downhill. I told her to limit her sexual hype, but she didn't. She even begged me for it. Most guys would find that a big gift, but I have other things to do and I am quite exhausted by day's end. She would often trap me in the library and start having me feel her genital areas, or sneak me into a restroom just to get naked with her and do things. I was starting to feel used. Hell she ended up wanting sex on her parent’s living room floor, and she got it. But now I feel like I am the disgusting person because I should have respected their home, and not done any of that stuff with her. Apart for the sexual issues, she would disrespect my field of study (chemical engineering), she would make fun of me when I would try to be getting my math homework done and I couldn't get it, she would bash on me for being Hispanic (she was white), she would become so rude and so impolite and just basically was just using me for her happiness and pleasure. Never once did she even do something nice for me. She disrespected my parents too, and I never even did that because at least I have some morality and value the meaning of respect. And what hurts the most is that she never apologized, nor did she ever thank me for all the things I did for her. She then started to press for marriage like crazy after only 7 months of dating, and became really obsessive with me! I started to freak out when she would send me text like “I’m watching you and you look hot!” when she was nowhere in sight.Summer came a long and I was determined to end it over the summer. So I started to lie. I lied about other girls coming to see me, and that’s about it. I placed tests on her, and hell I found out she didn’t even know me because she did not know my b-day, favorite color, favorite music, favorite hobby, and other really defining parts of me- and that angered me beyond anything else. So, I kept making up stories about girls coming to kiss me or touch me, and although she would get pissed she would not leave me. So I continued to be cold, and realized this was the time to make her pay for all the shit she put me through. I became a jack ass to her, in hopes that she would stop calling me and texting me. But it got worse; she got a hold of my work office number and consistently called incessantly. She purchased my public record online just to see where I live, my parents number, and other things. She became a nightmare. And I became perhaps the meanest person ever, when I started dissing on her and basically reversing how she made me feel onto her. She told me so many times she would stop being selfish, but she continued to prove to me she wasn’t going to change. And hell, I knew from then on I could not be with a person like her. Yes I will admit, she was a very honest person (well until the birth control lies), and she only started “caring” when I made a big deal about her selfishness. Besides, it was a long distance relationship over the summer, and you can’t show affection through the phone. She would make me laugh, she would very rarely listen to me and ask me about my day and I enjoyed telling her – but that was once in a very long while. She opened up about her past to me and placed all her trust in me, but I just couldn’t do the same cause I never really trusted her to be honest. Furthermore, her entire family regarded me highly, and found out I was a great person. However, I could not say that about my parents/family. The reason was simple, She has smoked marijuana in college, she has forced and begged me to have sex, she disrespects me often and makes me feel like crap by putting me down and disrespecting my field of study, and she has been involved with underage drinking and sex at the same time. And on top of that, she is very intellectually incompetent to me. Often times she would just sit there and talk about her favorite sex positions or marriage and other ludicrous things, when I would often like to talk about politics or science (being that she is studying mechanical engineering and I am studying chemical engineering) but heck she doesn't even know why the US went into Iraq nor does she know what her field of study, MechE, is about. So my parents would have been disappointed to know that I chose this type of girl. I feel like an awful person now, because I put her through a lot of pain with my words, and I wish I didn’t. It’s just she would not leave me alone, and she became completely obsessive which was freaking me out. Plus, not to mention her behavior where all she cared about was herself, I just could not take it. Was my behavior ok, or did I do something wrong?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. See, it was quite sad. I am just such a good guy and well I was just trying to get her to become a better person. She needed someone to care for her, and well I guess it was wrong for me to devote all of my care for her. And yes it became quite a toxic relationship. Its just I know I should not have lied, and done things out of my morale because now I am disgusted in myself, but its just I didn't know how to handle her. Her parents hate me and even harassed me to the point that I feel into a depression because they called me names and such that made me think otherwise of myself. They too are mad that I left their daughter. And well I just ended up too hurt from all of this. I try to suppress my feelings but at night I can't even sleep like I used to.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Here's the thing. You did too much too soon. Your actions would make any girl believe that she was the "one" and you are head over heels in love with her. Take it as a lesson, dont rush into anything. However much you like a girl, if you surrender yourself completely to her (like you did), she is not going to let you go, unless she is REALLY sensible and knows when a relationship is not working out.
In your case, this girl seems to be a weak person. She got a solid support in you, something which she knew she would never get from anyone else. You made her feel like a queen, you treated her with respect, you gave up your comforts to make her happy...basically you handed it all to her in a silver platter when she had least expected any of it.
The reason she ridiculed your field of study and disrespected your parents was to undermine your confidence in yourself. If she makes your studies look inferior, her chosen discipline automatically becomes superior. That gives her an edge over you and that is her way of trying to make you feel bad. These are signs of a severe inferiority complex.
And then there was the sex. She got you to do what she wanted and you did it. That was another way of getting you to stay.
Overall, it was all one big mess. What is your status with her now? Do you still talk to her? If you do, then stop it AT ONCE, because the smallest hint will make her feel you are still interested in her. Dont feel bad about how you dealt with her, because there really was no good way of doing it. You are too good a guy for her and she knows it. Dont apologize or anything because that will start off a new drama. Dont be too kind to someone who wont appreciate it, it will backfire on to you. Just let things be the way they are, stay out of her way and henceforth, give it time before you make such commitments with your gestures.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2011):
 WOW.... this is a very extended submittal.... all pointing to one, solid conclusion; You and this girl are not compatible,.... and you will probably be much happier (and better off) if and when you two go your separate ways....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Troi +, writes (10 September 2011):
Under such circumstances I think most people would have done the same exact thing. It's scary to care for a person only for you to find out they only like you for a single aspect and don't actually care for YOU- not only that but this sounds like she turned into a stalker and might even need a restraining order at this point. I think you should've gotten away from her as soon as she tried pushing your morals and forced you to sleep with her- that's the first sign of a bad relationship. Next time stand your ground. If someone you're dating isn't willing to compromise for you or change themselves for you then they're not worth being with- there's a million other fish in the waters. Also, be careful with being "too kind". It's a harsh reality that some people that have been denied kindness for most of their life will become intoxicated by it as soon as it appears and they'll become obsessed with the way it makes them feel: happy and proud.
I don't think you should've put her down after or told her lies about girls coming to kiss you but I think you should've broken up with her then and there. It's pretty obvious that she only cared about your kindness and the way she could push you around into doing what she wanted you to do. In your next relationship I think you should tread more carefully in the women chose to date.
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