A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey! ok I am a 16 year old girl. My parents have been divorced since I was 8 I think? My mom re married and now has 2 toddlers, my dad is still not remarried. I have always had such a strong bond with my dad. I have always been a daddy's girl. I think it is because it has always been just the 2 of us so we spend a lot of time together. With my mom... she remarried soon after the divorce so it was never just the 2 of us together for us to have a strong relationship. Point is.. I am very unhappy at my mom's house when I stay there. Her husband treats me badly and told me that if a don't work hard at school next term... I must pack my bags and move out. I am so upset that my mom lets him say those kind of things! I just have never felt comfortable in my mom's home. I feel like such an outsider. My mom buys me soo many things but I feel as though she's never around for me when it comes to doing mother daughter things. I guess she uses her buying me things as a way of showing her love for me but I just want her affection and love... I dont want objects.There are a lot of other things that make me unhappy at my mom. Yes I have lost respect for them a bit because of all this. I gave up meat and chicken for lent and it drove her mad that she had to organise a separate meal for me every night. She said I might as well go stay at my dad for that month that I fasted. I find that comment really sad and unfair. She is willing 2 not see me for a whole month just because she doesn't feel like cooking a little separate meal.I feel as if I don't have to bother anymore with them. I am tired of always having 2 impress the woman who gave birth to me. I just want to be myself and feel settled in my own home. I sent her a very long email explaining all this and telling her exactly how I feel. We have a bit of a communication problem at home (cos of the kids.. she doesn't have much time to sit down and have a chat) So in this email i told her EVERYTHING! Although i think it may have been a little bit harsh... I didn't know how else to tell her all this. She said the email was out of line. I didnt swear, I just told her what she does that makes me act the way I do and I told her that if my dad is really planning 2 move to london (which he is) that I want to go with him. I told her that I think it's disgusting that she lets her husband treat and speak to me the way he does.Was I wrong to send this email? I think that if I didn't let her know how I feel, it would never have come out and I would have just kept it in forever. Should I have done it differently? I do think that over typing.. things come out in a different way so she could have misunderstood the things I said. Am I being unreasonably over sensitive about the things she does?? I don't know what to do anymore. Should I go live with my dad for a while? Should I? Should I? Should I? I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel bad for sending the email but at the same I feel it's about time she knows exactly how I feel! What do you guys think? Sorry for the very very long story! I just need some advice! Anything would be greatly appreciated ! x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2007): I think there are definitely two sides to your email, the parts where you're right and the parts where your mum is right. Being 16 or 17 is a REALLY hard age to be because everyone sees you as an adult, you see yourself as an adult but a lot of child still remains. I can understand you being upset that your stepdad is trying to discipline you, possibly you think he has no right to, but at least the circumstance you mentioned seems to suggest he was being cruel to be kind in a way. He wants you to do well in school. I admit he went about it in the wrong way but I get the feeling that it wasnt his intention to upset you. My mum had a baby when I was a bit younger than you so I understand how it feels to not have any of your mother's time when you really need it but it's just something you have to accept. Babies and young kids need almost constant attention and your mum is obliged to give your younger siblings that attention. It seems she's just forgotten to give you your share of the time too but it shouldn't have to be her making the effort. Why not go and talk to her when she's bathing the kids or offer to help with them so she can have an early night or whatever? This is also probably why she got upset about the veggie diet, not because she doesn't love you or wanted you to move out, just because she has so much other stuff on her plate.
I guess the point I'm making is that growing up means accepting that everyone has their own problems and issues. Don't get me wrong, there's no way I would go back to being your age, I found it the most difficult and painful time in my life, but you need to acknowledge that youre not the only person in your family having problems. If you want to move out to live with your dad maybe you should give it a trial period. In a way you're lucky to have the option to move out for a while but try to bear in mind that everyone has their issues and we're the only people responsible for our own happiness. No-one can make us feel angry or sad or happy. We need to do that for ourselves.
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