A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband's family makes a huge deal out of christmas, huge dinner, tons of gifts, etc. Whenever we are there, we do all the dishes for a family of 6, and when guests come over we do all the dishes for a family of 15. Also, I clean up after all the gift unwrapping because I cannot bear to see so much trash around the house. To be fair, my MIL does all the cooking. However, I would like my brother in law to help out but my husband will never ask him to pitch in with the dishes (and I don't ask because I don't want to ruin the family dynamics). So, I am already not super excited about christmas with his family because I don't want to be a dishwasher for a week. Second, I've had a pretty negative experience with my BIL and his girlfriend a few months ago. Basically, I feel like it was a racial incident where they yelled at me and they would not have treated my husband in the same disrespectful manner (I am a POC and my husband is white). We talked it through and cleared up the air and left on surprisingly good terms, however, since then I'm still a little shook up. I do think that overall they mean well and are good people. But what if a similar situation like that happens again while I am there visiting them during Christmas? So the question is, should I visit them for Christmas this year? My husband loves his family and currently is going to go without me, but he's made it clear he wants me to go with him ... I can tell he's really distraught over it and wants to be with me but also cannot not go see his family. While I would love to be with him over the holidays and also enjoy many things about spending Christmas with his family, I am not excited about doing tons of dishes every day, or to see my BIL and his gf because I feel like even though we cleared up the air, I am afraid of something like that happening again and I want a drama free christmas. The irony is that because I said I don't want to go, this has caused tension with my husband because he really wants me to go. On my end, I find it unfair that he doesn't seem to understand why I don't want to go. He's not a POC and he doesn't "truly" get how scarring moments like that can be, even if they are cleared in the air. On my end I wish he could just stay with me this one Christmas, and not go see his family for just this one year while I recuperate (though I have not explicitly asked for his to stay with me, because I think that would be a little unreasonable.. but now I feel like I should have asked for this because now it's like I'm the bad person for not going with him??). The sad thing is, I sometimes think about divorcing him over this because I think like, if he cannot understand how gravely these incidents affect me as a POC, how will he back up our future kid(s) or any other incidents in the future that are worse? This is not the first situation where I've been treated unfairly in front of him, and he has said or done nothing and left me hanging to fend for myself. Which I am fine doing, but I would like him to stand up for me. .. we've talked about these topics and he is "empathetic" and a good listener but he's a non confrontational kind of person so he is not going to change. Everything else in our relationship has been fantastic, but that incident really shook up my happiness. I am exhausted from standing up for myself in racial incidents, but honestly I think even if I was with a POC I would have to stand up for myself in other ways so IDK, it's like leaving one set of problems for another. How would you all resolve this? Any advice would be helpful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2021): If we take all the aggravating factors out the end result is that you are not looking forward to Xmas this year and you would rather rest at home.
This is not a crime.
It is a crime to yourself to set yourself up for a Xmas load of washing up that you don't want to do for people you don't want to be amongst.
So stay home!
Let your husband figure it out.
Is it the way they treat you?
Or is it the endless washing up?
And treat yourself to a little pamper session of doing a manicure and handcream.
If they are really put out you could suggest getting a dishwasher machine for next year's feast.
But, after pampering and if hubby fails to understand why it's a misery for you, then think over carefully if this marriage will really work and will you both be on the same page when the children arrive.
Maybe you could move far away from your in-laws and just do a zoom call on the day?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): P.S.
I've decided I want this to be said as it was originally written:
"I will also pray for the souls and hearts of your in-laws that they become more empathic and learn to understand."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): Typo correction:
"I will also pray for the souls and hearts of your in-laws that they become more [empathetic] and learn to understand."
"They loved each-other, and nobody was going [to] take that away from them; and nobody was going to hurt either of them."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): As a multiracial POC myself, I know how exhausting it can be interacting with ignorance and intolerance. My parents being an interracial-couple as well, during a time when people felt they could say or do anything to a POC. Nowadays, just being alone in the wrong place at the wrong time; could be literally dangerous, for a man or woman of color. While politics and vaccines separate and divide us for stupid reasons. Families are separated and are not even speaking to each-other; because suddenly your political party defines you, and anyone who isn't the same is your enemy. If unholy hell is not hot enough for haters and evil-doers; I'm sure God will turn-up the heat as high as He needs to!
It is almost chic these days to voice your intolerance and attack people who are different. People are proud of their islamophobia, antisemitism, xenophobia, and general hatred for people of different origin, faith, race, sexual-orientation, and nationality. Yet it's hard to explain how it feels being on the receiving end of it. I don't abide by race-baiting or calling the race-card; stand-up to unrighteousness, and God Himself will back you up!
This country belonged to my Native Indigenous American ancestors, dating back thousands of years. It's as though we're as a people are completely forgotten, erased, and are not even a part of our own land of origin.
We are all human, and capable of hatred and racial-prejudice. Being a victim of it doesn't make us immune to being infected with it. It's a daily struggle to fight hate, without being hateful. It is by the very grace of God, and prayer; that I am able to endure it, and resist it. Otherwise, I couldn't do it alone. The only history we know about ourselves is passed-down to us by our Native American elders. It's difficult to find much written history about our culture; and it sure is different from what I was told in school as a student when I do! My grandfather, grandmother, and my mom left-out all those wonderful happy things they told me in school! Go figure!
So many people are in-denial about racism; while at the same time displaying every ugly aspect of it. It's worse when they aren't aware of it; and it's unbelievably hurtful, when they are deliberate and outwardly expressive of their hatred. We could explain this all day; and be hated just for trying to explain how we feel and why.
Personally, I think you are right not to go. Your husband doesn't appreciate the magnitude of your experience with his family. It has nothing to do with going against the love for his family; it is about how he doesn't take it upon himself to stand-up for you, even when he witnesses when they treat you badly. He'd rather not risk their love, over yours!!! He is a coward, and never should have brought you into his family; knowing what you'd go through, and actually bearing witness to it. He wasn't brave enough to defend what he has brought into both your lives as a choice. You have to be strong to be an interracial couple, or people will destroy it! Not when God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit forbids it, Whom is the greatest source of power we have to fight it.
Let him go on his own. Ignore his pouting! Let him grow a pair, and have to explain your absence. It's about time he did! Don't be pressured into another excruciating and ruined Christmas. Enjoy your own family for a change.
You know what bothers me? After writing all that long and heartfelt-story about your experience with his family, you don't even bother to mention how he interacts with your own family? How do they treat him? There are two-sides to every story!
You didn't even mention if you've ever spent your Christmas together with your family? My heart aches at the thought that could possibly be, because you're estranged from your own family? As is often the case, when OP's come to DC complaining about their difficult or insufferable in-laws. Using their mate's family as an escape from their own; or to compensate for their lack of having a close-relationship with their own family. How will people whom you didn't grow-up with, be more loving towards you than your own? It's a realty to be dealt with when we're adulting our way through life. Somewhere, you have to rebuild a bridge, or forgive. If that isn't possible, then make a few loving and trusted friends. You can make a family through love and kindness exchanged with others; even if it won't work on your in-laws, or estranged-family.
Don't you dare feel any guilt for preserving your own heart and feelings. If he was half-a-man, you wouldn't be here telling your story.
My dad and mother stood-up to differing sides of the family, and racial-prejudice during worse times than these (if that is even imaginable!); and they eventually brought them to some reasonable peace and understanding. It was not easy, and it took a very long time; but they wouldn't give-up trying. They loved each-other, and nobody was going take that away from them; and nobody was going to hurt either of them. I've inherited their fortitude; and I will stand-up for myself, others, and those I love. I am not ashamed of who I am, and I don't need anybody's approval. I am a child of God, and made in His image. You can hate me until the cows come home; but His love is so wide, so high, and so deep; I won't even feel your puny stupid little bigotry! Hate me all you want from a distance, just don't cross the line!
You can't allow people to make you hate being who the Good Lord made you, or force you into hiding. If you don't feel like cleaning-up, or doing the dishes, don't!
You should always do kindness without feeling you're putting yourself out. Nobody asked you to, nobody forced you to; so don't be a martyr about it.
I can't speak for other faiths or beliefs; I can only speak from my own. According to the Holy Bible, a husband and a wife are one flesh in the eyes of God. They stand as one together, and one with God. That makes it holy and sacred. A husband places his wife above others, and she places her husband above all others, when others trespass against their marriage. No matter who they are; be it parents, siblings, or any other relative!!! You are both now adults. Your lives are now yours to protect, build, and maintain as partners; your family can or may abandon you at any given time, but you still have each-other...and of course our Good Lord, Who will never forsake or abandon us. You can ignore references to God, if you are an unbeliever; He won't disappear from existence because of it! ;)
Christmas is the season of good cheer and celebration. If others poison the goodwill of anyone; that reflects on the darkness within them. It's not erased because they hide it, or deny being prejudiced. God sees into the heart of everyone, unlike us; so He knows when we're hiding the ugliness within us. He will be the judge and jury of that; otherwise, we should just show goodness and kindness towards each-other as He commands. If we can't, we should pray for His grace to help us to overcome it. If not, oh well, there's hell! The devil says there's no devil, he's known to be a big liar! If it was true, there'd be no evil, and we'd all love each-other.
Avoid his family-members who make you feel so uneasy that you are so stressed-out you have to write an advice site on the internet to express how you feel. It's sad that the man you've exchanged vows with; and the one you share your very heart, soul, and body with...can't even sense and understand what you feel. I know I do, and understood every word you've written. You should embrace who you are, love others in spite of their ignorance; and take a break this Christmas, for the sake of your own sanity. It is of the utmost importance that you preserve your self-esteem. He doesn't understand what it is to be who you are; but please don't hold it against him for that. He is in denial, when he sees that dark ugliness in his own brother; but as a man, it is his job to stand by his wife. To make her feel safe, being his top-priority; and feel she is cherished and beloved. Until the days you grow old, and are separated by death. God hates divorce, but does not command you to stay in one that is abusive, or adulterous; and/or any marriage that is killing your faith, soul, and spirit.
I will say a special prayer that your marriage be preserved for the sake of love. I will also pray for the souls and hearts of your in-laws that they become more empathic and learn to understand. If you don't speak-up, and help people to understand, they won't. You can speak one-on-one with each of them individually. You may not erase their ignorance; but you may gain more respect through your courage and pride as a POC. We all belong to the human race, regardless of our skin-color or faith. God is watching, and He will deal with this hatred among us; once and for all. His justice is eternal.
If you are a woman of faith, give thanks for your blessings, pray often, pray for your in-laws; and you must pray for God's guidance and strength to survive in this world full of hatred. That's all He needs from us. He takes care of the rest.
God bless and keep you; and may He bless you with a safe and wonderful Christmas.
References to and of my faith and belief are purely my own. They do not reflect the opinions of this web site. I am not ashamed of being a Christian, and will not deny it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2021):
 What strikes me is this:
" I am exhausted from standing up for myself in racial incidents, but honestly I think even if I was with a POC I would have to stand up for myself in other ways so IDK, it's like leaving one set of problems for another."
You only mention one of these incidents with his family ( though in my book ONE is too many) so where do all these racial incidents happen? In your daily life? If so, that sucks.
You also say that even if your husband was a POC you would have to "stand up for yourself". How and why?
YOU do NOT HAVE to do the dishes. You can help, if you want. I think it's kind to do. In my family, the men did the dishes since the women usually did all the cooking. Except at Granpa's (since HE did all the cooking).
You are not obligated to do squat as a guest.
You say your relationship has been fantastic. That is awesome. Did you not meet his family before marriage? It doesn't seem like his family are bad people, and then yelling at you was not about you being POC. But you felt attacked and it wasn't nice.
I think sitting out one Christmas is OK, but does it SOLVE anything?
You want your husband to stand up for you any time you feel attacked, and I don't blame you - but THIS is now how HE is. For good or for bad. You also want to spend Christmas just the two of you, and he apparently wants to spend it with family every year.
It seems like HE can stand up for things when he wants to. Why not talk to him and make a compromise to spend every other Christmas with them? but you haven't even ASKED him!
" (though I have not explicitly asked for his to stay with me, because I think that would be a little unreasonable.. "
Why is it unreasonable for a new married couple to ALSO want to spend a holiday JUST the two of them?
And yes, I think it IS important to think "what if" - such as what if we have kids, how will they be treated? Will we still HAVE to go every year? etc.
From what I read in your post this comes down to "bad communication skills" more than you being a POC.
Your husband CAN NOT read your mind. You will have to communicate your feelings, needs, wants, and wishes. Or nothing will change.
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