A
male
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*az
writes:I was seeing this girl for about 4 months and she was really keen on me from the word go. After only about a month and a half she burst into tears one night when I could'nt have sex with her without a comdom on as for some reason it hurts me to not use one, and always has. She replied 'How are we supposed to have kids if you can't even have sex with me without a comdom'. I kind of said then that I was’nt even totally sure if I want them, but maybe one day. After that night though we had been fine, with one brake up which lasted a day, this was because I did not see her enough for what she would have liked. We did not live that close together, about 20 miles apart and I was/am unemployed, but I saw her about 3 - 4 days a week. We got back together after the one day brake up and everything was fine for about a month and a half when she called me up one night saying that 'she's really been thinking about wanting kids and marriage soon' I never had really spoken to much about the subject and on the phone I said I think I want them, but I'm not really sure and when. We both decided to end the relationship. She did phone me the next evening, but I had a friend round and said for her to call me back the next day and she never did. I was fine about the brake up for about a week then I really started to feel like crap and I really missed her. I phoned her up one night to speak to her as I was bothered that she seemed fine about the brake up, and not really upset over the phone when we did it. She did say that of course she’s been upset and was in tears at work a day or so previously. She said she felt releaved though as she did not want to be in a relationship with someone that did not want the same things, however I then said that I did want the same things she said back ‘that’s not what you said the other week?’. I asked her to txt me if she would meet with me for lunch over that weekend to discuss matters. When the weekend came, I never got a txt from her so I txt’d her asking why she didn’t let me know either way and she replied’ I thought u only wanted me to text u if I wanted to meet up and that she was hungover and didn’t want to eat anyway’. I texted her a few times that night asking why we can’t get back together and that I’ve been really upset and the only sort of response I got was ‘If I decide that I want kids soon, I need to be with someone that can support me’. I can only assume that, me not being employed was her major problem.I asked if we could at least friends ,which she agreed to, but she needed time to herself and to be with her friends for abit. She also said that she wants to be single for abit aswell which kinda made me think because one minute she wants a serious relationship and now she wants to be on her own???I left things for about a week and a half until valentines day. I had sent her flowers, a card and a letter telling her exactly how I felt about her, and how I had time to think about marriage and kids. I told her I love her and I really want to have children and get married and that I have thought about nothing else. I texted her valentines day to see if she received the bits as I was not 100% sure of her address. I then receive an email abit later saying ‘Thank you for the flowers they are lovely and must of cost you a fortune.I feel awful for making you feel the way you do at the moment but I am not wanting a relationship.You will start to feel better soon I promise.I sent her a text back after reading it saying something like ‘don’t feel awful, it is ok. And I hope that we can be friends still’?. It has only been about 4 days since then and I still feel that I don’t have a real understanding of the reason we broke up?? I really want to speak to her face to face and find out the reasons. I know that there is no one else in her life. The only reasons I can think is that I did not see her enough, which I would change now in a flash and that I am unemployed, but I don’t think we should have broken up over that because that will change. I still have a couple of things of hers and was going to take them to her, but she does’nt know. Please let me know what I should do as I do love her and would like to get her back, but for complete closure if not, I need to know the real reasons because its annoying the hell out of me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): That girl is crazy you just meet her 4 months ago and she is ready for kids. Tell her to get a STI Check first. I would not date a girl I just know who want me not to use condoms and i don`t know her background and sexual history. I don`t think she break up with you because of unemployment it is more because you are smart and do not want kids know. Before you think about kids find a nice job and save some money first.Then when you have your kids won`t suffer.I think you should find a intelligent college girl are girl or girl who have ambition. My girlfriend doesn`t want any kids until she finishes her degree and Master degree.
A
female
reader, No_Nonsense  +, writes (18 February 2009):
 Hi thereWell, it seems that there are a lot of issues going on at the same time here. I need to ask you: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Then there's the issue of her seeming pretty confused about what she wants! The breakup has happened, however, and it seems that even with all your effort such as the Valentine's Day gifts, her mind is made up. :(The hardest thing is not knowing WHY things happen. Humans can handle the how, when, what and where, but it's the Why that is the real brain-juggler. So I understand that you would need closure from her on this issue, and that's important. Why not just ask her for it? Tell her that she owes you that much at least and that all you want is to hear her out so you can move on. But you have to be ready to just listen to what she says and not argue with it or try to change her mind. That's if you want REAL closure. You might think you want closure just as an attempt to persuade her to get back with you, which is another issue altogether. If the latter is the case, then i would suggest reading over your story on here and pretending your best friend wrote it to you about their situation. Wouldn't you tell him/her to move on and forget about the relationship because it was unhealthy from the word go? Often some distance from the situation helps you see things clearly. As the saying goes,"We can only understand our drama when we are liberated from it." I think it's important for you to step back from it and really see this issue and relationship with new eyes. It might surprise you!If she doesn't want to talk to you or answer your questions, then you have to respect that. At least you know you've tried your best. That is sometimes all we can do. Stay strongG
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