A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK.. S0 Im glad I found a website to help me out. First I am not a crazy obsessed person.. So at least I don’t think I am. I have been together/Married for 11 Years with my wife. She is 7 years older than I am We have kids. So here is my situation. When I met my wife I met her in peculiar circumstances. When I met my wife she was "Living With another woman" Yes As in she was involved in a Lesbian relationship for 7 years before I met here.In the beginning she was honest with me and told me about her past relationships and experiences. She gave me a exact figure of how many men she had been with prior to me. Etc Prior to her being in a relationship with a woman, she was with a dude with whom In this relationship she had gotten pregnant and ended up having an abortionI go thru my highs and lows where I cant stand that thought of her being with someone else. And getting pregnant by someone else other than me being the first as in the perfect marriage etc Understand I never had a girlfriend going into this situation and she was already into multiple relationships. Before I met her I just had casual sex here and there with loose women. Mind you I had never even climaxed “inside” a woman of all silly things. So this was my first real relationship when I met her. If at all you can call it a relationship. In the time that I initially met the wife her she was obviously still living with her lesbian lover while running around with me secretly while she cheated on her lesbian lover... To best explain the situation... In the beginning within 2 weeks of being with her she proclaimed she had fallen in love with me.. She would say she was really crazy for me, yet she was in a lesbian relationship and her reasoning for that was simply she had hated men ever since the dude before her dumped her for another chick.Now the resentment I am currently feeling right now 10 years later of being with her is that I feel as if I gave in to her selfish needs in that time period and her selfish manipulation for her own well being... As the months progressed, after 6 months yea 6 months she wanted to have a sexual relationship with me… so we started to have sex. This is where it started to get wacky… she was older than me by 7 years and started talking about getting pregnant. Im like whoa im only 24 and the chick wants to get pregnant. On one of the encounters she claimed she might be pregnant. Why I remember this, I don’t know but at the time she made references to “well if im pregnant you wont be the father because she had someone else to care for the baby.” So during that time I started to get suspicions that I was only being used as a sperm donor which to this day I sincerely think those were her thoughts for that time period. She ended up not being pregnant at all. However that memory has never really escaped my mind especially because like an idiot I found myself in the same situation 4 months later and even went as far as going to the doctor to prove she wasn’t pregnant. Although that particular time I was starting to get strong enough to say enough was enough and proclaimed that I wasn’t going to be a part of this nonsense and I did in fact send her to the curb…. But like a fool in love I was weaved back into that spell and these two episodes come up as clear images in my mind to this day and traps me in thoughts of betrayal and lying etc… 10 years later I sincerely don’t regret everything we have accomplished together, house, car kids etc…. however the resentment just wont leave me regardless of what I doI question my own sanity sometimes because I go thru my highs and lows where one day its doesn’t bother me at all about the past but then the next day it hits me as if it happening again in clear moving images. I have noticed there are certain trigger words, places and actions which cause me to think about everything I endured during this initial time starting with my wife. I believe I have plenty of more resentment because I feel as if I allowed myself to endure a year of being the “other man” if you will… where I had to run around secretly and I had to stay quiet like when I was in a hotel room with her and her lesbian lover called her on the phone and I had to stay silent in the background.During that time she was running secretly with me, she would lie to me about her intimacy with her lesbian lover. During that first year I would go through bouts of manic crying and thoughts of depression at night, this being because at that time I felt I was in love with her, yet the person I loved was going home to the arms of another person in this case a woman which I may add might as well been a man because her lover was a butch type. I guess my resentment has a lot to do with that fact that while this year of initial agony I feel as if, well 10 years later I feel as if during that time I could have been more stronger and if I would have had the courage to look for and date other women, sleep with them take vacations to ease my mind… then maybe I would not feel the way I feel today... Eventually it came to the point where the lesbian lover found out about me and we confronted each other and mutually found out that “the Wife” had lied to the both of us about being intimate with one another. Now 10 years later, and this sounds stupid but I feel as if our relationship never stood a fighting chance because number one while I was with my wife in the beginning she was still having intimacy with her lesbian lover despite telling me otherwise. Another issue that burns me is that during that same time my wife was with her lover, they would explore the world going to Caribbean island vacations, cruise ships etc all the while I stayed at home thinking oh what are the doing together, being intimate etc. And I will tell you I have never had those type of feelings… I didn’t know what was wrong with me.. I would wake up in the morning with my stomach gut wrenching and vomiting etc.I also bothered because I never had girlfriends and never got to know what it is to travel to an island with a significant other Its no so much the not getting to travel part, but it is more that my wife got to experience all these things with a significant other but never experienced it with me as her husband.The reason: well after one year of this nonsense I got the courage and strength to issue an ultimatum. I told her I was gonna walk out of her life unless she made a decision about her lover. So to fast forward finally she left her lover which was painful for her in some weird way and my wife and I started living together. Then !!!Wham 3 months into living together she gets pregnant. Although I do not regret at all I was having a child.. What I do resent a lot is that in 10 years later of being with my wife I have never had the experiences that She had of traveling to Caribbean islands, cruises etc and other fun stuff that normal couples do before they get married… Although I know it is my fault as well for succumbing to the situation and I allowed myself to fill her needs and her biological clock at the time without regard for my own needs. And it doesn’t get any better than that… a few months ago I encountered some of her friends who made reference to my wifes past that she may have been more promiscuous than she really had told me in her younger years. Thus in the beginning right after my wife left her lover it was discovered an STD was transmitted. The one that gives outbreaks. I cant even mention it…Here is what bother me about that…. In my past I always used protection so I for a fact know that it was not me who passed it along instead it was vice versa. Although she has sincerely proclaimed no knowledge of having it I think that perhaps there was knowledge of her having the STD but for her own selfishness didn’t disclose it so I wouldn’t dump her.. So of course in an argument I once again throw that in her face. And for the benefit of the doubt lets say she didn’t know.. it isn’t any better to know that the dude who she was with before the lesbian cheated on her so he probably transmitted the STD. either way it’s a lose situation. By that time I already knew what I was getting into and at the time I presumed it could have been me to transmit it so since there was no proof and love will be love I continued to be with her… Yes And the few people who I told my story to at the time always warned me that you will enter torture by staying in th relationship. Go Figure always listen to your friends is the lesson.The weird thing about the whole situation is Yes I do feel as if there is love in the relationship but I cannot let that dirty past go. Number one the fact that she was with some dude and he impregnated her and made her abort the pregnancy bothers me a great deal. I guess I always believed if I was going to be with someone at least it should have been me to impregnate for the first time. Almost like looking for a virgin bride. Which doesn’t happen today. The images bother me. Occasionally I compare myself to all my friends. It hurts me to know that people around me always have romantic stories of how they traveled to places with their spouse and and how they have pictures of when they were dating or how the man proposed etc etc. I never get jealous instead I get happy to hear these stories. Then I get depressed when I think of us as married couple I feel as if it was a prearranged marriage by some weird cruel act of fate or maybe it was just how my life was written and I have to accept it for the good.My wife and I have no real memories like other normal couples have had shared…For example My wife and I never dated, we never went movies, carnivals, vacations and pretty much that courtship phenomena. And I think it is my fault and more her fault because of her selfishness and to this day. To this day is very selfish with certain things but I think I would certainly be able to deal with her other flaws finely if it were not for this past that we share. Certainly at least I think I would have much more been at ease if I got involved with her if say she already had a child born as opposed to the latter of what she did. There is torment because of all the accomplishments we have achieved together I will never regret none of them. It is just that the way it happened, suddenly like prearranged fate that I feel a sense of certain things I never got to accomplish in life. Like a dude who gets married as a virgin trapped with that thought. It burns me inside today to know that particular vulnerable time I was really a much better person, than to have fallen for the situation which I got involved Being involved with a woman already in a relationship, much less a woman in a lesbian relationship. I have been doing research and research on finding a solution because although it does not necessarily affect my daily life functions, it does hit me hard when it hits me. I am not sure if this is ethical but on occasions I have expressed to my wife in a peaceful sincere way about my feelings. I have almost let her know there is a sense of missing accomplishments in my life because we together never experienced the things a normal couple experienced before entering marriage. Mind you We didn’t even have a real wedding… we did city hall thing because by the time we decided to get married we already had a baby and had bought an apartment. I often have told her I wished I had experienced more girls and I wish that it was me instead with the dirty past so she can know how all this feels. Currently, I’m even contemplating openly cheating on her and having my wife actually find out about an affair. Its crazy Should I go out there and have my own secret affair, will it make me feel better or should I openly have an affair. I hope I have conveyed enough information for someone to cook up some advice. 10 years later I am seriously considering a divorce almost as if to find another girl and to say her take me for my past since at least I have now experienced at least one relationship in my life. There are surely other factors going on that would be considerable factors for divorce but I think the icing on the cake would be because of my wifes past.
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abortion, affair, be pregnant, depressed, divorce, her past, jealous, lesbian, might be pregnant, never had a girlfriend, period, sperm, std, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 I think you are simply looking for validation to go out and have an affair.
Your wife's past is in the past, and that is where it should have impacted on any relationship you planned to have with her ......... in the past,not after ten years of marriage and some kids. Have your thought about how a marriage break up would affect your kids by the way?
Fortunately I am in a relatively good mood so I wont call you a prick, even though that is what I think you are!
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