A
female
age
51-59,
*eetika
writes:I am age 39 married for 11yrs with a men who was fine till we had monetary problem. Due to this problem we decided to work in different countries and earn , leaving behind our daughter under my mothers care. Since past 2 and half years he has become less and less communicative and insensitive to my needs and feelings, for example not responding my long distance calls properly ,he remembers me to buy gifts and soveniors for his friends and colleagues but not for me as he think i earn enough. isolated from family and his attitude made me fell in love with another younger boy, who really makes feel good and great easing my suffering away from home and husband. but somehow i am not able to disclose him my real status and recently i have come to know about his girlfriend in his hometown and surprisingly i am hurt to the extend of shaken by this accidental discovery. i am not in position to leave my boyfriend with whom am so close souly and i need him more when i think of my rude and insensitive husband. But deep down i feel i need to keep my marriage but his uncommuniative and rudness always makes me sick i don't want to get physical with him and try to find ways to escape him whenever we happen to holiday together for our daughters sake. what should i do go back to such husband or get divorce!!! Help me plz !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Dear Eetika,
You must be so tormented about this decision. I understand how you must feel. Take your time to sort things out. Don't rush to any decisions.
From what you have said, it seems to me that you are very unhappy with your marriage. --You could seek marital counseling to try to salvage the marriage or just try talking with him about how his treatment of you makes you feel, etc., (if that is a safe thing to do...) But if you think that will not work then...
If it is:
1. safe in your culture to get a divorce (no Shariah law and equality for women)
2. safe for you and your daughter (your husband isn't violent or retaliative--won't stalk you)
and
3. Economically sound (you have the money to get a divorce lawyer and/or can do the paperwork yourself and have the money to file the fee required, as well as a safe, decent place to live and to take your daughter, if you get custody).
I see no reason why you couldn't divorce your husband. It sounds like you have grown apart and you are miserable with him. Staying together "for the sake of the child" is not always the best thing, but neither is divorce. She will be affected by the divorce, for sure. But if you do split, hopefully you can work out a custody arrangement that is amicable and works for all.
However, I wouldn't entirely rely on the affair-relationship lasting, since he is involved with someone else, anyhow.
But the fact that you had the affair does tell you something -- that you aren't getting what you need from the marriage.
Again, you still could get counseling and try to salvage the marriage, but only if you truly love your husband and think it is worth prolonging the misery to save the relationship. The question is: do you still love your husband? The answer to that question, will guide you in making the right choice (and your safety, of course).
Be well
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Hello Reetika,
well, I'm known for being pragmatic, logical and sensible, so I will answer your dilemma, with the same approach. And what a dilemma, and ALL so human as well.
So, married for 11 years, with one daughter who now lives with your Mother as YOU and your husband work away for financial reasons. The last 2.5 years neither you nor your husband have lived a normal married life, as in being under the same roof, and when you do get the opportunity in seeing each other, he is rude, insensitive and very un-romantic by the sounds of it, and YOU avoid being intimate.
I wanted to repeat all this back to ensure I had understood your position. As you say before the financial difficulties, your husband was fine, as you make no suggestion of rude or insensitive behaviour previously. Financial worries are a huge burden for marriage, in addition to this you are both living separately apart from what seems like a holiday together for your daughter.
Now first I'm going to ask about your daughter, as she is the innocent one here, she lives with your Mother, do YOU and your husband have lots of regular, loving contact with her so she knows and understands WHY you don't live as a family any more. You don't have to answer this directly, just think about it for yourself. Is there any reason why YOU cannot return to living in your hometown to be with your daughter and do some kind of work there, as I'm not sure if you both live away because you want a much higher salary, or because there is NO work where you live. As your daughter although adequately looked after by your Mother I'm sure, and is loved, is not the same as having parents or a parent with them. As I say something for you to think about.
A relationship is bound to suffer with regular emotional intimacy, meaning lots of calls, emails, sharing of daily experiences,and 2.5 years NOT living normally has obviously taken it's toll on your marriage. If neither of you are able to SHARE all this, you will of course become strangers rather than husband and wife - even the strongest marriage would be tested, but what you need to really think about IS this distance you both have down to just the distance as in miles apart, or because you have BOTH stopped feeling love for each other, therefore just going through the motions.
It will be extremely hard to get your marriage back on track with such a distance, you would BOTH need to WANT this, which would mean you both spending time connecting on a daily basis to initiate the closeness again, but IF you don't have those feelings, and YOU will know this, then YOU have to make a decision IF this marriage is what you want, and if NOT then should talk to your husband rather than sweeping this situation under the carpet, because nothing ever stands still, it either grows or ends, but never stagnates.
Marriage should not be endured for the sake of anything, it has to work, and for that, the two people have to want to make that effort when ALL is against them.
The boyfriend you have, is just an emotional and physical 'support' for you, which you have succumb to because you are needy, that is not a critique, all human beings need warmth, closeness and love, but you are NOT in the position to take this without a fall-out, either for your marriage, for YOURSELF becoming emotionally hooked, therefore a much higher chance of being really hurt, and ending up even more emotionally barren as you don't feel loved by your husband, nor your lover, who is very likely to return to his girlfriend, who MUST be considered here, as she has a boyfriend who's cheating on her.
I have yet to see a man or woman who cheats on a partner, that NEVER does it again, and you must think about this. And what I mean by this, people either come in two categories, those who keep one partner as insurance whilst test the waters with someone else so they go from one relationship to another without any time alone, OR the ones who stand on their own two feet, realize after much consideration their marriage/relationship is NOT working, and set about ending the relationship with integrity BEFORE ever dating or getting into bed with someone else. Of course the latter means time alone, and coming to terms with ONE's own needs as a person in their own right, and personally to be a good partner, future prospect for any NEW person in our life, we have to have this transitionary period to resolve emotional issues before we move on.
The situation you are in is completely human, and very understandable, but equally, VERY dangerous, as it will get very messy, the longer you connect, and are intimate with another man, other than your husband, more unlikely you are to want to bond with your husband. You really have to make a decision as to whether this is the END of your journey with your husband, do you still love him deeply, as IF you do, STOP with this other man, and start building with your husband. But don't TRY to have both, it will never work, and IF your husband finds out, it will I'm sure hurt him, and you could end up losing BOTH men.
Stand back for a while and think about what YOU FEEL, and what you WANT for the future. It doesn't make you a bad person, if you want to divorce your husband, but it makes you LESS admirable by NOT dealing with this in a way that although painful, shows your choice for being honest and open!
I really wish you well.
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): I can understand what you are going through. Because i went through the same thing, few months back. I fell in love with a younger guy since my husband was insensitive to my feelings, i dont have kids though. Now ehen i think about it, i feel really stupid. Instead of working on my problems with my husband, i fell for a crook who used me thoroughly and absolutely. From my experience i can tell u to work on my problems with ur husband and see whether u can make ur marriage work. You have a kid also, u need to think about your kids future too. Moreover your lover already has a gf back home. Ask him whether he could marry you if you divorce ur husband. Believe me 99% of these lovers wont accept marriage, they will say all kind of reasons like my parents wont accept, you are elder to me, and you already have a kid. My parents will get a stroke if they go thru this. I am heard all these nonsenses from my ex-bf. he is younger to me only by 2 yrs. Of course that asshole didnt think of all reaons when he slept with me or milked money from me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): I have been married to a man who has been cheating on me. Yes he is gone all the time but I have integrity, moral and values despite my suffering. I do not do to some one what I feel is immorally wrong. And to feel hurt to find out that he is doing the same as you seems immorally wrong.
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