A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and unclesI had a friendship with a man for just over 5 years. We were both in our late 40s (now early 50s) and divorced, so free and single. We slept together in the early months, but he stopped it because he wanted us to be friends only.I fell in love with him and we continued to see each other as just friends for 4 1/2 years. But he continued to search for love elsewhere which nearly killed me.Eventually just under 2 years ago I ended it. I told him how much I loved him and how I could no longer maintain his friendship which was so painful to me as I would never have him. We were both very upset.We've been no contact since then apart from birthday messages.Today he sent me a text out of the blue asking if he could see me as he would like to talk to me. It was a very sweet text. I know for sure that he is not looking for sex and I feel that it is unlikely that he misses me and just wants to see me. So I suspect that he wants some information from me - about something or someone or something in my town - who knows.I am intrigued but know that seeing him after all this time will upset me for a good while. I have worked hard on rebuilding my life and am starting to get over him. Of course I do want to see him but am scared of being hurt if he only wants information from me and isn't too bothered about actually seeing ME. I don't know what to do. Do I respond to his text? Do I see him? Thank you all in advance.
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divorce, fell in love, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 November 2014):
 Very good! I like your response.
Fingers crossed.
Thanks for the follow up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, this is the OP here.
Just to update you... I waited 4 days and texted him the following:
Hi A. Life is good here, thank you. I hope all is well with you too. What would you like to talk to me about? B
Light and friendly, but not agreeing to see him. I haven't heard back yet. I will only see him in the unlikely event that he wants to declare his undying love to me. If he just wants information or just has a question, I will say I can't help and ask him to be considerate of my feelings and leave me alone.
Again, thank you for all your good advice. X
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 November 2014):
 You could just lay out the truth and let the cards fall ehere they may. Why temp fate or lead him on with unreal expectations. good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): From personal experience, I wouldn't do it. Moving on and getting over someone you love isn't easy. You've came too far to risk getting hurt all over again when he isn't feeling the same. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses. They have given me food for thought. I haven't replied to his text and its now nearly 11.00 at night, so its way too late for a reply.
I will probably do Ciar's second suggestion and ask what he wants in a few days. But I'll try to stick to text as I'm not sure that seeing him in the flesh is a good idea for me.
You are right - he is a man who reels a woman in and then withdraws. But as the second responder suggests, not a bad man. Just thoughtless and selfish. Which is why I suspect that he wants something and that something probably isn't a walk down the aisle to me!
Again, thank you all very much. X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): If you think it will upset you too much, don't see him again and tell him not to contact you anymore. First ask him why exactly he wants to see you and if it isn't what Ciar said tell him the above. Make it clear that that would be the only reason you would want to see him again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): I would say don't see him.If you suspect he just wants information then you're probably right.And my guess is that you fall for emotionally unavailable men - and here I mean men that aren't completely cold, but who give just enough of the 'right' sort of emotional attention to get you completely hooked and then withdraw - there are thousands upon thousands of these kind of men, who love having women adore them but don't commit. They can seem like really nice guys and actually not deliberately set out to hurt you - some do, some really don't - but either way the problem is they don't take responsibility for the hurt they cause - by this I mean that they just don't change, they're wired that way and they keep repeating the behaviour with other women. Ultimately they're selfish men.If you think that might apply to you then look into why that is - usually women who go for emotionally unavailable men have had a troubled relationship with their own dad - or some sort of traumatic event with the Dad, in an otherwise okay relationship with him, and maybe not realised quite how much it's affected them at the time. Usually it's something that's severely knocked or damaged the woman's inner sense of confidence and self esteem - she's always hoping somehow or waiting for this incredible love to return/come to her, because that's what she had as a child before she was let down. It usually makes women hesitant about knowing what to do re. the way men treat them - women like this linger around hoping, or express the kind of uncertainty that you express now. Women who don't have this experience are often far more decisive and confident.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 November 2014):
I wouldn't agree to see him unless I knew it would be worth my while and anything less than 'I've had a change of heart. I've done nothing but think of you ever since we parted ways and I won't risk losing you again!' wouldn't be worth my while.
You could ignore the text and see what happens. If he really wants to speak to you, he'll try again (for all he knows you just didn't get the first one). If he just wants information about someone else, or is too afraid to try again, it wasn't meant to be and you're better off without.
OR
You could, in a few days ask him what it is he wants to talk about. Be upbeat, casual and confident, but don't sound TOO interested. Speak to him as though you're assuming it's nothing important.
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