A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have 9 month old son with my ex girlfriend who left me before our son was born. I didn't want to be a father at first which is why she left me. I told her that I couldn't afford a child and we are too young ( Shes 21 I'm 24) I was a total dick over it all but she didn't want to know. Since he was born, I have tried to be the best dad I can. I'm with someone new now and she isn't too keen on me spending time alone with my son and his mum. My ex girlfriend has asked if id like to sleep over at her house on Christmas eve so I can wake up with my son. Its the first time since he was born she has tried to involve me in a family thing. My new girl hit the roof and really upset my ex girl. My new girl thinks that I still love my ex girl and just because we have a son doesnt mean we are joined at the hip forever. Now the offer off the table and it's back to a few hours on boxing day. Would it be unreasonable to go against my new girl wishes to spend time with my son or is she the one who is unreasonable? We have been together 4 months.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Canadian Law- The Child shall have access to both parents on Christmas Day.Commend you on wanting to be a part of your son's life. Don't let guilt be a motivator to not put your current relationship FIRST. About integrity and fidelity; in widsom, you see the pitfall of what appears to be a helpful and friendly invite but due to being one who excercises faithfulnessas it is a part of the glue of a loving relationship; you will decline the over night stay.You are aware this upsets your Girlfriend- she's hurt you would even be clueless enough to not realize its dishonest and violates your relationship and friendship with her.Its tough to be taking time away from your first Christmas with your Girlfriend as that's important too and really; child is 9 months old and wont' recall you weren't there for the day. You can stop in for a few hours to watch eat him wrapping paper. Then head back to your Girlfriend.GF, out of love and understanding and excercising a heck of faith in you, will sacrifice 2 hours for you to spend with your son. Its called COMPROMISE. And it is a win/win situation for her, for you, and for your son.Just understand that if your Ex, since you walked on her, may be motivated to win you back and use your guilt and son to do so; may stop at nothing to get you back. So if the EX even drops one hint about you being a family - you walk out that door. She violated your trust and insults your integrity.BOUNDARIES are healthy and she'll learn fast that she will not be afforded her dishonest games.Happy Holidays!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): Your new gf is right for being upset that you want to sleep over at your ex's place. How would YOU feel if she was sleeping over at her ex boyfriend's? Just having a kid with that person now makes it all right? of course not!Of course you should see your son. But not by sleeping over at your ex girlfriend's. those are two completely separate things, as is obvious to your new gf. There are other options:1. Your son comes to your place and spends the day or half the day with you and your new gf.2. Your ex gf allows your new gf to come over with you to visit your son and sleep over with you as well. (if your ex wouldn't allow your new gf but would allow you, then that shows your ex doesn't respect that you are in a new relationship now)It's inappropriate and wrong for you to sleep over at another woman's house if you're in a relationship. having a child isn't an excuse to do so.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 As for the driving to and from late evening/5 AM. Yeah, that could work, if you happen to live a 5 minute drive away. But I don't really see the big difference between you sleeping in the spare room of your ex girlfriends house, or on her couch, compared to driving home for about 5-6 hours of sleep (unless you do in fact live only 5 minutes away...). It's not like you'd stay up to cuddle with your girlfriend and do presents with her in the middle of the night, not when you have to get up at 5 AM to drive back to your son. Just how much would she be missing you? Does she even live with you, would she even know if you were home that night or not?
I think this just says your girlfriend doesn't trust you one bit, and there's nothing that would benefit her by you driving to and from, wasting time that you could spend on wrapping gifts for your son/getting some sleep.
How long have you and your new girlfriend even been together?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 December 2012):
I personally think you have an immature new girlfriend. You're not interested in spending time with your ex, you're interested in spending time with your son. It's a no brainer, yet she's being all drama-queen about it. Are you going to let a girlfriend (they come and go) get between you and the single most important person in your life (your son)? Prioritize. This is the time to show your son if you're actually honest about wanting to be a good dad, or if it's all just words. You can be a part of his life, and build a relationship (and build a civil if not friendly relationship with your ex too). Or, you can do whatever your girlfriend tells you to.... Personally, if I was in your shoes I'd dump my girlfriend immedeately if she couldn't respect the importance of my son, and SUPPORT it. If something is important to me it NEEDS to be important enough to a partner of mine that they can support me in it. Otherwise, what does it make me? A lap dog that isn't allowed to do anything unless it is approved by my owner? Someone of less value than my partner, as I am not to be supported in things that is important to me, in fact not allowed to have important things unless they are also in my partners interest? If I can not have my own values, own dreams, things that are important to me, then I am nothing but an extention of my partner, and not a person in myself. Just an extention of my partner, bound to follow them and never follow my own mind. Or you can be the dad that you are and put your son before some drama-girlfriend who wants you on a leash and doesn't respect you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Really not an easy situation to be in.
I can understand that you want to be there for your son's first Christmas and be involved in the whole event. I can understand that your ex is being very good to make the offer considering how you acted when she fell pregnant. I can also understand how your new girlfriend feels about the arrangement.
Whatever you decide to do, you'll upset someone. If you take up your exes generous offer of staying overnight and being there when your son wakes up, you'll put your new relationship in jeopardy. If you stay away, your ex will be really upset and assume that you haven't changed and don't want anything to do with your son. Even if you compromise you run the risk of upsetting both of them.
It's also your first Christmas with your new girlfriend and she may have ideas of what that should involve. She won't be too impressed if you get up early and pop around to your exes place.
All I can suggest is that you talk to your current girlfriend and explain what YOU would like to do and then hear what she thinks. I think it's right that you should see your son on Christmas day. If nothing else it shows your ex that you care about your son and want to be a part of his life. I'm not sure that you need to be there first thing when he's only 9 months old and won't remember anyway. Perhaps offer to go round in the afternoon and spend some time with him, but see what your girlfriend thinks too.
Good luck with it all.
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A
female
reader, Lola333  +, writes (4 December 2012):
Definitely do not spend the night. That would not be appropriate at all. You current girlfriend should definitely let you see your child. But I have to ask. Why is your current girlfriend not welcome to come over with you and see your son? It seems to me that if you have no romantic relationship or leftover feelings on either your side or your ex's, then you should both be welcome.
Especially if she is going to be in your future while your child is growing up. But you should have proper visitation meaning that you and your ex should alternate who has your child on holidays. There is no reason why after this year you should have to spend it together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I like Cerberus' compromise.
I think it's RIDICULOUS that your ex-gf expects you to sleep over... Talk to her and find a time in the morning, that will make sense for the both of you and the little man - then go over and spend a couple of house with your son. THIS is about your son NOT your ex-GF. I'm sure you current GF can respect that and that she can spare you for a couple of hours.
If she can't then you have bigger problems. Because HOPEFULLY you will STAY a part of your son's life for the rest of YOUR life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012):
I have to agree with Cerberus . He may only be nine month but when you look back with him as he gets older he will see that he had his dad on his very first Xmas how amazing and special is that..
Now of you have feelings for your ex and think that you would like to try and make something of this relationship then it would be best to let your current girlfriend go.. If however you don't ..
Then I think Cerberus suggestion of going over, coming home and then going over in the morning is more apt and suitable for all.
Have a fun time and take care have a merry Xmas when it comes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Neither is unreasonable, especially if you do still have feelings for you ex.
The thing is though OP it isn't anything to do with his age or what he'll remember, it's his very first xmas and your very first chance to play santa and wrap up all his presents and get up with him in the morning to open them.
I played Santa for all my younger sisters, stayed up once they'd gone to bed, had a few beers while wrapping all their presents and putting them under the tree, it's a real buzz even for an older brother to know the sheer elation that kids have on xmas morning.
Make a compromise OP. Go in the evening xmas eve, to bring your presents etc. and warp up the gifts santa bought him. Then head off home and come back first thing in the morning again.
I think your girlfriend will be okay with that. No need to stay over.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Your ex girlfriend is out of line.
I do not blame your current gf.
You have a child with this woman and you must come up with viable visitation and custody.
spending the night with her at her home is not acceptable in my book
he's nine months old... HE wont' remember.
You should either get your son on Xmas eve or Xmas day
or you and your ex have to work out every other year arrangements. IF Boxing day is acceptable to you then take that.
IF you can't come up with a compromise a good domestic lawyer can for a fee draw up a workable arrangement.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 I don't think either off you is being unreasonable here. You need to look at it from your girlfriends point of view if she told you that she was going to stay over night with her ex boyfriend how would you feel? I understand that you have a child with your ex girlfriend and off course you want to spend time with him. So I would suggest talking to your girlfriend and coming to a compromise. Do not stay over night at your ex but maybe call over for an hour in the morning so you can see your son opening his presents. Talk to her about it though do not go behind her back. She cannot stop you going to see your son on Christmas morning.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Would you be happy with your girlfriend spending the night over alone with her ex?
There is your answer.
My dad was on this same boat. He would go and put us to sleep, and then go with his gf (now wife) spend the night with her, and come home on the morning (at 5 is) or before we woke up. This helped us understand our parents had their own lives, but were there for when we needed them.
Your girlfriend is right to be uncomfortable, there is NO NEED for you to sleep on her house. Tell your ex that you will put him to sleep , and come back on the morning.
This will make both you and your gf more comfortable.
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