A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm really desperate for advice - sorry this is a long story. A couple of years ago I separated from my husband (of 12 years marriage - total 18 year relationship). Our relationship had deteriorated to such an extent that we had not had sex for several years, positive emotion was 'numb' and our arguments had become voilent - with once incident when I was permanently scarred. Overall my husband had become controlling and undermining and his family had sensed a problem in our marriage and turned against me - telling me it was my fault and shunning me.My husband moved to be nearer his job and I got my own place to rent - to give us space and time and I really wasn't sure what was going to happen next. Because of my indecision I received real 'hostility' from my parents in particular who did little to hide their disappointment in my actions - and at times got quite aggressive with me - taking my husbands side and making me feel like a failure. I certainly didn't get any support and thankfully I had a few close friends at work to see me through. I sometimes saw my husband at a weekend but generally although I felt sadness I was calmer and able to be myself again during that time. In addition I met a lovely guy who I began a relationship with and then fell in love with. He is loving, generous and kind but I felt unable to give 100% to the relationship at the time because I had not detached myself fully from the failed marriage and was not ready for big commitments like him moving in or anything.My new love then moved to a different country (Australia) with work and is now permanently settled there and has been for a year - I remain in the UK. During this last year I have been changing my career, studying new subjects and generally trying to move my life on positively living in a different place to get away from unsupportive family. They firmly think I should be back with my husband and make comments whenever possible to dig. Neither he or I have started divorce proceedings and I am under terrible pressure to update people on what is happening. I have been accused of 'drifting' yet I feel I am just trying to make the right moves in my own time and at my own pace. Nothing feels good enough and I have begun to feel I need to withdraw from family contact to avoid the constant back-stabbing.I am still in love with the the guy who has moved country. I did not tell my family anything about that relationship (it went on for a year when he was in the UK) because they would have been terribly judgmental and I really couldn't deal with more emotional poison. I just wanted some fun and to feel 'free' again. However I now feel like a fraud and that it was cruel of me towards him to treat him like a secret. I just didn't want it ruined.Now I have gained more confidence in myself I have some things to confront. The guy who moved away and I have maintained a loving 'relationship' with albeit my phone and email, for a year still, after all this time, wants me with him. He has set himself up with stable job, house etc. I could continue my study where he lives and my lifestyle would be amazing - far better than it is now.However.... I can feel myself buckling at the 'giant leap' fear. My 'husband' has made a suggestion we could try again - not sure he would have split in the first place - and with the constant family pressure I am becoming weaker by the day and unsure about the best thing to do. I don't know whether I have it in me to see if it could work and I had done so much to be me again, lived a different life, that I feel like I'm failing - kind of unravelling my feelings back again and potentially I will be back to square one. However a part of me is drawn to the 'familiarity' of knowing him. He knows nothing of the other relationship.I have so much pressure from all sides I feel like I am cracking up. I had planned very very soon to go and see the guy who has moved away - for a holiday / break and to see what life I could live. However I am worried that with my confused thoughts I am being two-faced. I feel so sad because I really love him and yet it seems so 'impossible' with such emotional baggage and lack of family support. I just cannot bare the thought of not seeing him again and not ever knowing what might have been.How can I get over my many fears? - my life seems to be driven by fear! Should I just let the guy living in Australia go or get on a plane and visit him? Instead should I give up on the Ozzy dream and give my husband another chance - try harder to make a go of it in the UK? I am running out of time and options and whichever way I am going to have to lie about things or ring-fence myself to avoid conflict. None of this sits comfortably and I cannot sleep at night with the torment. Any help so gratefully received.
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at work, confidence, divorce, fell in love Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (15 April 2008):
 I would be interested to know what you have decided to do :o)
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (6 April 2008):
Just do it!
The more time you take to think about it, the less likely you are to do the one things that is going to make you HAPPY - being with your boyfriend!
Your ex-husband, his family and your family are all negative impacts on your life, they drain you and exhaust you.
Cut you losses, get on that plane and GO GET YOUR MAN!! Why would you hang around for a bunch of people who don't want to see you TRULY happy? x
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A
female
reader, I care  +, writes (6 April 2008):
 Life is to short for this much trouble I think you should file for a devorce and end that cus obviously he was a sleez for smacking you around your lucky he didn't kill you. An as for the new man if he's good to you and makes you this happy what do you have to really lose by giving it a shot if it don't work you can always move back and as for your family it's none of there buisness your a big girl and they need to realise that and let you live your life for you not them.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (6 April 2008):
I think you know what you want to do but everyone is telling you not to.
Go to Oz on holiday, find out what kind of jobs you could do there. Find out about visas as they are quite strict about only having useful people moving in permanently.
Your marriage broke down quite badly and if it got violent then (in my opinion) it is over. I would never go back to a man who slapped me, let alone did something that left a scar!! You have said repeatedly how much happier and more confident you are now you are on your own.
If his family is being horrible, then do you really want to go back to him knowing what they can be like? If your family is being horrible then either they don't understand what he did to you or they are not worth bothering with.
In a way, they have made it much easier for you. Family is the only thing stopping me moving abroad, but you are now free because you have seen they are not supportive when you need them, and do not care about sending you back to a violent man.
Meet with your husband in a neutral place like a coffee shop or pub during the day (stick to the coffee though). Tell him calmly that you don't love him any more and that you can't forgive him for what he did. Tell him you want to remain civil with him and even stay friends, but you want a quick painless split.
Get it sorted and set off in search of your happy ending.
Good Luck!! xx
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